Emotion flickered in the depths of his eyes, but Nate carefully controlled his reaction and didn’t interrupt.
“Iwillbe, but I can’t give a timeline. Pressure is shit at the best of times, and a promise beyond loving you and putting you above all else, outside of the commitments of my contract, is a lot. I don’t want that hanging over either of us.”
I paused for a beat, but he stayed quiet, so I continued. “I want to tell Sutton and Jayden about the two of us, if that’s okay. I know we’re not on the same team anymore, but they’re my friends, and I want them to know.” I swallowed thickly. “Honestly, at some point I expect this’ll blow up in my face, so I’ll—we’llneed all the support we can get.”
Sutton especially had been far from subtle before I’d left the States. The guys had their suspicions; I was sure of it. It felt right, good to share this with them.
Reaching for Nate’s hand, I willed my pulse to settle. “Will you move to the States with me? I know it’s more complicated than that because of visas, but I love you and want a future with you.”
Pink crept up Nate’s neck, and his Adam’s apple bobbed. His silence was also beginning to freak me out.
“What do you think?” My question dipped low, doubt beginning to sneak in. Plan B was always an option, one I’d share with him regardless. Until I did, I needed a reaction.
“And what am I supposed to do in Vegas when it’s no longer the off-season? I have no idea how visas work, but I can’t imagine there’s a need for someone who knows about farm supplies and can run a store in the middle of the desert.” There was no challenge in Nate’s question, just genuine curiosity.
“That’s something we can work out together, right?” I lifted a shoulder. “I don’t have all the answers. I just know I want us to be together.”
Rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, Nate stared out into the distance. “And I’d be playing your friend who’s moved from Australia to just hang out with you?” While he wasn’t quite incredulous, I could see he was struggling. “Shit, Ryan, everything inside me is screaming at me to say screw it and take the risk.” Hope flickered to life until he opened his mouth again. “But you can’t believe anyone is going to buy we’re ‘just’ friends, unless you plan to keep me locked away in your rental.”
The hammering of my heart made it difficult to concentrate. What was worse was I’d thought the exact same things, debated the shit out of it. “Well, I did say I expected it will all blow up.”
“No.” Nate shook his head, and I froze.No?“I don’t meannono.”
“Fuck,” I huffed out on a gasp.
Nate squeezed my hand. “I meanno, that can’t be how it happens. You need to control the narrative, especially as with no uncertainty me being there, hanging out, and all but being attached to your hip, the truth will come out. Based on what you’ve said and what I know, you don’t want to be outed by the gossip rags, or anyone, in fact. Fuck, no one does.”
My breath stuttered, my hands shaking a little. That was exactly what I didn’t want.
“What worries me,” he continued, this time brushing his thumb against my cheek, “is that you’ve made it absolutely clear you don’t want to be under the microscope any more than you are, and you don’t want to be the League’s only out queer player. I won’t be the reason you become any of those things.”
“But I’m willing to for you,” I rushed to say—eventuallywent unsaid—but Nate was already shaking his head. I took a breath, frustration clawing its way to the surface.
“Just stop and think,” Nate said before I could press on. “You have to do this for you. You do it for me, and one day, if it all goes balls up, you could blame me, resent me.” Sadness laced his words.
“I could never resent—”
“You may not think so, but you could. I just want you to spend some real time working this out.” He scrunched up his face, saying, “Yesterday, you were riding the high of your first f—”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” I leaned back and balled my hands into fists. “I’m a grown-ass fucking man and am not just trying to get you to America so I can get a regular fuck.” Anger swept through me, thick and fast. A tidal wave of disappointment that he could even say such a thing threatened to take me under.
Nate startled, his color disappearing so quickly, a rush of concern hit me. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I— Shit, Ryan, I didn’t mean you only wanted me as an easy fuck.” A wash of green bled into his white, and for a moment, I thought he was going to hurl. “That’s not what I meant.” Whisper-soft, his words found their mark. Tension drained from my body, and I closed my eyes. Why the fuck did everything have to be so complicated?
“I’m sorry I jumped all over you,” I whispered, flexing my hand, craving his touch. His gaze caught my movement, and he reached out and clutched my hand. “I love you, and I don’t know how to do that and be happy, and work, and be who you need me to be. I’m a selfish fuck because I want it all. I’m greedy, and I want the whole fucking cake.”
Shit, I was going to cry.
Tears threatened, and I begged them not to fall. I hadn’t cried since the day Nate’s dad dropped me at the airport all those years ago. Even then, it was after he’d left me, and I’d raced to the restroom where I could snivel in private. But fuck if I didn’t want to bawl my eyes out now.
Nate’s finger brushing against my cheek created a damp path. Hell. He kissed me, barely a peck, but enough to remind me he was still here.
When he pulled back, his eyes glistened. “I want you to have it all. You deserve it all.”
With a calming breath, I leaned my forehead against his. “I have a second plan.”
A soft chuckle passed his lips. “Of course you do.”
The warmth in his voice eased some of the aches in my heart.
