When Ryan hesitated, I realized my expression was wide open to interpretation. “You know I can’t—”
I couldn’t help but cut him off. “You don’t owe me any more of an explanation for not being out.” When the look in his eyes shifted to uncertainty, I couldn’t hold back, trying to ease the expression there. “I’m happy to hear and hope you can confide in me if there’s more you want to share, but as to you feeling guilty or however you’re feeling, don’t. I want you to be happy.”
“You don’t think I’m a cowa—”
“Hell no, stop right there, and we’ve already been over this. Being out or not, sharing your story has nothing to do with heroism or bravery. And fuck, this life can be as shitty as it is awesome. It’s hard enough, and throw in sexuality and identity into the mix, and we both know there’s plenty of hate in the world and people who can’t get their heads out of their arses.”
He swallowed hard, and it became impossible to not reach out and touch him. Clutching the back of his neck, I stroked my fingers over the skin, dancing across his short hair there.
“You mean that?”
Hurt for Ryan and his fear, the way he possibly saw himself, spread through my chest. Emotion clung to my words when I said, “Since I was fifteen years old, I’ve wanted you. Even after all this time, you’ve been this presence in my soul. I couldn’t let you go, couldn’t shake off this feeling that something was missing in my life.
“I’ll be honest and say the thought of keeping this, what could be between us, a secret for a long time hurts, but that’s about me and my desire to touch you, kiss you when I want, hold you, and hug you in the street if I feel the need. But that’s on me. It’s my cross to bear.
“For now, Ryan.” I smiled softly at the man who had my heart. “I want to focus on the here and now and see where that takes us. And hopefully the first place will be to my seriously comfy bed.”
The chuckle that burst free from him filled the small space between us, relaxing his shoulders and bringing fresh emotion back into his eyes.
“Thank you.”
“For dragging you to my bed? Anytime,” I teased, wanting to keep hold of the ease to help smooth away the sharp edges of his struggles.
“Well that, but for everything else too.”
Not wanting any more distance between us, I stepped into him and brushed my lips against his. That he was naked and I was fully dressed didn’t escape my notice. It also gave me wicked ideas.
“Bed.” I encouraged him toward the mattress. His steps were willing, his mouth returning to mine as he moved closer. Once his legs connected with the bed, I angled away and peered up. “You want me to suck you off?”
Ryan’s nod was instant, his mouth smirk-free as his breath hitched. “Yeah, so much.” He gripped his cock, his knuckles pressing against my covered dick as he did so.
“Let me take care of you,” I whispered, easing him back, determined to make him pass out with a smile on his face and clear his mind from worrying about our future.
CHAPTER16
RYAN
EARLY JUNE
Time raced by too quickly,though every moment spent with my family and Ryan was everything.
After talking with Nate again about my fear of coming out, some pressure had lifted from my shoulders. That didn’t make each day that I couldn’t touch him when not alone any less awful, but I felt safe, understood, and so grateful he didn’t pressure me.
The days Nate worked, I happily hung out with my sister, niece, and Gran. They still remained weirdly quiet about me staying away. While our conversations were nonstop about our time apart, not a single challenging question was asked, and any discussion about the future was related to the team and our hopes for next year.
The first Friday, we’d headed out of town and stayed in an Airbnb so we could enjoy our night out meeting with Nate’s friends. That night I’d been all up in Nate’s business. My hands had barely released the man, and my mouth only parted from his for polite conversation. By the time we returned to Gran’s, I’d already been mulling over the advantages of coming out to my family.
The ridiculous thing was, they’d be nothing but supportive. I knew this as well as I knew the grass was green. That knowledge didn’t stop my heart from slamming against my chest. Nor did it prevent my mouth from drying up like the outback desert. And all that led me to being confused as hell and spending too many hours arguing with myself.
I hated that I talked myself in circles. Detested my heart and head, and every emotion that sprouted legs and left me more confused and frustrated.
“Hey, you okay?” Nate lowered his voice.
I bobbed my head and shot him a reassuring smile. With my sister in the back seat, it was necessary to sit on my hands to stop from reaching out to him. It wasn’t that far to the Airbnb we were staying at, with thankfully separate rooms. That didn’t mean the thirty-five-minute journey wasn’t torturous. Not with my inner turmoil playing on a loop.
“You have been unusually quiet,” my sister offered. “Not that I’m complaining, as every now and then, your accent gets weird.”
From over my shoulder, I flipped her off. “Whatever, traffic cone. You just struggle knowing how awesome I am.”
