Herrick trailed off as he recalled what he had been feeling, the emotion that had plagued him as he lay eyes on his brother rescuing him from the dungeons. Shame washed through him as his stomach churned from what he was about to admit.
"My first reaction when I saw Hakon was disappointment. Of course I'm relieved now, but at first, I was frustrated. His appearance thwarted my last means of joining Maude, no matter how grateful I am now for it."
They sat in silence for a while, the weight of his words starting to feel lighter in his chest.
"What aren't you telling me?" Gunnar finally asked, turning to look at him.
Herrick could not meet his eye.
"Maude was in the hall when I exited the dungeons. I thought I had died, that the Valkyries had brought me to Valhalla. But when it became clear that it was reality, that Maude was alive and in my arms, that the woman I was holding was real… the last thing I expected was anger. I wasfurious. Once the shock of seeing her alive wore off, once I had to face the reality of my imprisonment, I resented the fact that I had suffered for so long while Maude had actually survived. Even now, I'll catch myself resentful and have to remind myself that being kept alive meant finding out Maudewas still breathing. While I'm grateful we've been reunited, it doesn't change what I went through."
Herrick's breath left him in a large exhale. He expected his friend to spout of something wise and healing but Gunnar only raised his eyebrow and asked, "What else?"
Gods damn his friends impeccable receptiveness to his struggles.
"Baldr burned me during those 'sessions' and after a while I couldn't separate the memory of that pain from the memory of Maude. She runs so hot all the time, how could I not think of her?"
Herrick let his face fall into his hands.
Gunnar was quiet for a while before he finally spoke, "Does Maude know any of this?"
"Of course not."
"That's a mistake," Gunnar said. "Don't give her a reason not to trust you, not when she has trouble doing that to begin with."
"What if I don't trust her?" Herrick asked, the desperation in his voice leaking out despite how he tried to hold on to it.
"Why wouldn't you? Because of what Helvig said about training her to retrieve the dagger for him? I know that you are well aware she had no idea," Gunnar asked, but Herrick quickly cut him off.
"Because she left us. She took the dagger and left us behind. She hides important information from me— things I deserve to know. She didn't tell me her father was actually an Elven King. She does everything on her own; how am I supposed to trust that she'll stay?"
"You mean she leftyoubehind."
"Yes, she left me behind and put her revenge first. How can I be certain she'll stay now?" Herrick shouted as he stood from the log and started to pace. "After everything we went through—"
"We all lost that day, Herrick," Gunnar said roughly, stopping Herrick in his tracks. "We face greater evils now than we did before. Hiding this part of yourself from Maude will only push her away."
Herrick knew he was right, and he knew he was foolish for hiding this from Maude, but in the quiet moments when he wanted to tell her what he was feeling, it was easier to get lost in her body rather than relive the memories that haunted him.
"I don't mean to invalidate your feelings," his friend continued. "What you've gone through changes a person, something I'm sure you are realizing now, but you've been changing ever since you met Maude. What I said in Ljosa still applies: let yourself be changed. Let yourself feel more than what you were raised to believe, and you might find that there is a part of you that yearns to be freed. The part of you that revels in bloodshed, the part of you that understands Maude's anger because it echoes yours."
He could only stare at his friend, the person who knew him better than anyone except maybe Hakon. Was he right? Did he really seem so different when his strict self-regulation was dimmed?
"And your fear of her fire?" Gunnar said, holding up his hand to stop Herrick from protesting his choice of words. "That fear will fade when you forgive her and yourself for everything that has happened. You know you are safe with her, your anger and hurt are holding you back from remembering that. We all have to forgive ourselves for our failures, because holding them against each other is only going to make us fail again."
Could it really be so simple?he thought as Gunnar's words seemed to echo in his broken soul.
"I just know that if you let this get between you and Maude, it will be harder for her to let you in than it was before. She might surprise you and be able to help you through this. If anyone understands rage and grief, it's her," Gunnar said before standing and turning away from Herrick, leaving him in the trees alone.
The camps scattered throughout Hilgafell started to bubble with sleepy voices and the sounds of sliding fabric from tents opening as everyone woke to the new day, but it was all muffled to Herrick as he thought about what Gunnar said. His friend was right— he had been changing long before Baldr entered his life. He thought the fraying edges of his sanity were being held together by sheer will, but perhaps thats what was wearing them down. Maybe letting go, unraveling the tight knots hebuilt around himself over the years, was exactly what he needed to take that last step toward his true self.
For as long as he could remember, Herrick had exercised strict control over himself: his body, his emotions, his heart, hisgalder, and his duty. He compartmentalized everything, including his fury that simmered deep beneath the many layers of control.
He'd once told Maude that her rage matched his, and it was beautiful. It was the truth; he just never let his rage see the light of day. The only time it slipped through was when he was fighting. Now, it seemed to slip through when he least expected it to. The tight grip on his control was slipping, and Gunnar was telling him to let it. To let his darker side out as it had been begging to do since he had been freed from the Palace of Wind and Embers dungeons.
The thought should have scared him. So why did he feel lighter as he headed back to the cabin?
The first thing Maude noticed was that she was sweating. The cooling presence she had gravitated toward in the middle of the night was gone; his distress that had called to her in his sleep, her heart answering it with a comforting touch, was absent.
