The cabin isquiet as I make my way down to the basement in search of my sister. My nieces are snuggled up together on one of the beds, but the other is left untouched. I frown, wondering where my sister ended up.
The bathroom door is open and the sauna is off, so I make my way back upstairs and look around the other rooms. Nothing.
The front door swings open and I spin around, hand over my heart. “Man, you scared me,” I say to Michael as he watched me intently.
“She’s really mad at you,” he says, tucking his hands in the pockets of his basketball shorts and toeing off his sneakers, leaving them by the door.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I offer, and attempt to walk by him. Michael and I have never really been close, but we’ve had amicable visits and short conversations about the weather and hockey. So I’m surprised when he takes a step towards me and wraps me in a hug.
After a beat of hesitation, I return the embrace and pat his back, unsure what prompted this reaction. “You good?”
“Yeah,” he says, straightening up and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m just glad you’re okay, even if you did hide your injury from everyone. I’ve been around hockey my whole life, I’ve seen how brutal something like that can be,” he says.
I don’t know how to reply, but Michael smiles and pats my shoulder on his way to the basement. “Go talk to her.”
The breeze picks up and rattles the wind chimes as I walk to the end of the porch where Tangela is leaning against the railing, staring out into the darkness of the trees. I mirror her stance and let our shoulders brush against one another.
The silence stretches on for so long that I feel a churning in my stomach and try to blink back the tears that threaten to fall.
“Why did you keep me in the dark?” she asks quietly. My hands grip the railing and I let my head drop back when I realize how hurt she is.
“I just couldn’t?—”
“No, Jordan,” she says firmly, turning to face me with a stony expression on her face. Her dark brown eyes gleam with tears and I reach out to hug her, but she sidesteps me.
“Tangy …”
“I need you to listen to me, okay? I know that growing up, our parents never really made us talk about our feelings and we learned to bottle things up and pretend that everything was fine. And I know you’ve always been anxious and introverted and mostly kept to yourself, but Jordan, we’re your family. We’re supposed to share the bad things too. We’re supposed to lean on each other through tough times,” she says, taking a deep breath and wiping away a tear.
God, I hate this.
“I’m really disappointed that you didn’t think you could lean on me for this. I’m your big sister, I’m supposed to have yourback. So don’t tell me that you couldn’t bother to pick up the phone and call. You simply didn’t want to.”
I swallow and shrug, knowing she’s right. Growing up, we were always there for one another, but at some point I decided that she didn’t need me anymore. That I didn’t need her. Finding my voice, I say, “Sometimes I just feel left out. You married into this amazing, wonderful family and I just tagged along. I thought I belonged with the Manticores, but when I got traded, I think something in me broke. It made me feel unworthy—of my job, of my friends, my family. So I took the cowardly way out and ran away. And I figured everyone would be fine without me.”
“You fucking fool. I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you. If you and Robbie didn’t become best friends. And we were all devastated when you left,” she says, lightly punching my chest. “Asshole.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. We had some really depressing family dinners without you there. I can’t believe you’ve kept all of this inside for so long. Is that still how you feel? Like you don’t belong?”
I reach out for a hug, and this time my sister lets me embrace her, turning so that her cheek is over my heart. “No,” I say softly. “I’ve been seeing a therapist and I’m on antidepressants, which has helped a lot. There’s always gonna be some part of me that is doubtful, but I think being back here, amongst all of you—it’s helping.”
Tangela nods against me and hugs me tight. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Please don’t push us away again.”
“I’ll try my best,” I say with a small smile.
CHAPTER 23
November
Alice
Thanksgiving comes too quickly.I had to sit through so many family dinners in the last couple of months, pretending like everything was fine, and that I was oh-so-happyJordan was back in our lives. But I’m not a great actress, and there’s only so much faking I can do around him.
His pestering has increased from texting to leaving me notes on my door. And when those went unanswered, he started leaving lemon scones and hot tea at my doorstep each morning. It’s infuriating how hard he’s trying. And while I eat the delicious, thoughtful, and confusing treats, I’m still not ready to let him in again. I’ve been burned too many times.
Except this is one of my favorite holidays, and I refuse to hide in a corner and avoid him all day. I’m peeling potatoes at the kitchen counter and watching Val in her high chair out of the corner of my eye when Jordan walks in through the back door at my parents’ house.
