I nodded. “Yeah, we’ll just have to keep an eye out for any displacement issues with the grass.”
An uncomfortable tension buzzed between us. Neither wanted to bring up the events of last night, but it felt like we needed to cross that bridge to fall back into our normal, friendly routine. Except nothing about us was normal. Not anymore. We went from kids who barely knew each other, to hookup buddies, to boss and employee, to…pregnant and faking a marriage. There was no normal way to approach what was going on with us.
“I was thinking we could take a drive around the club later and navigate where everything is.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, avoiding eye contact, and walked up and down the stalls, inspecting them.
“Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.” When Jack didn’t look over at me, disappointment coated my being. I was a hypocrite to expect anything different from Jack when I had promised myself I wouldn’t let him affect me, but last night was a line I didn’t think either of us expected to cross.
Seeing Jack in such a state rattled me, and I was sure the feeling was tenfold for him. It was so personal. So vulnerable. How could I help but promise Jack I would take care of him in the same ways he promised to take care of me? “I was going to run to the grocery store and stock up on some food while the horses ate.”
“Okay. I’ll start unpacking everything from the trailer.” Jack’s figure was tense, hands jammed in his pockets, and head tuckeddown. He didn’t look at me for a split second as he went to the tack and feed room to survey the space.
“I can do either.”
“I can handle the heavy lifting,” he stated bluntly. “We can split tasks to work faster.”
Clearly, he was in no mood to talk about what happened, but he decided to make it evident that he didn’t want to talk at all. I wasn’t going to push him to talk about it, but if Jack wanted his space after last night, he could have it.
“Alright then, I’ll see you later,” I waved, even though he wasn’t looking at me. Jack waved me off as I announced my departure. A slight pain punctured my chest watching him act so nonchalant after breaking down in my arms the night before. He was open and willing to talk about anything with me one minute, and gruff and quiet the next. I processed my thoughts as I went through the motions of getting dressed, grabbing the keys to Jack’s truck, and heading out the door.
Since I had no idea where I was going, fumbling with the GPS was a struggle. I had lived in my small Pennsylvania town all my life—except for my college years—and never had to find directions anywhere. My phone’s map finally gave me directions to the nearest grocery store.
Because it was so dark when we arrived the night before, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of my new home for the time being. Driving the roads out of the Golden Meadow Polo Club, I was graced with a view of lush green polo fields and cottonwood trees peppering the open space. Yellow hills marked the end of the open grass on my left, and mountains sat in the distance like shadows on my right. I passed a few barns along the road, polo ponies filling the pastures, bringing me the home-like feeling I didn’t know I needed.
I felt strangely comfortable here. And while it was only my first time driving these roads, I truly felt like I might be…okay. Theunfamiliar, lost feeling wasn’t looming as heavily in my stomach as it had been the last few days. Golden Meadow was our safe haven, at least for now.
I still had no idea what the plan was for this baby growing inside of me, no career ideas to support myself for the next eight months until I could play polo again, and a massive fear that Jack would never be completely open with me, but…
I had to start thinking like a mother. Someone who pushed her hardships to the side and put her child first. I would be okay, but this baby wouldn’t be if I didn’t get my shit together. I had been through enough in my life and gotten through just fine. Scarred, but fine.
I finally pulled into the grocery store parking lot, grabbed a shopping cart, and scavenged the aisles for everything I could think of. Jack snacked aloton the drive over here, so I made sure to pick out some of his favorites—almonds, dried apricots, and sunflower seeds. Wandering down the aisles, my feet stopped me right in front of the baby diaper section. There were so many options. Literally, an entire shelving wall was covered in boxes with options for different ages, sizes, and materials. It was overwhelming. I tried to shake the nerves coming up my spine at the thought of having to buy these in just a few months, but I couldn’t help looking into the little model’s eyes. What was he, six months maybe?
Hell, if I knew. I hadn’t been around kids, let alonebabies,for as long as I could remember. My life had nothing to do with kids. The few times I saw them around the polo trailers, they ran around like maniacs, begging to spook a horse. There was so much I needed to learn before the baby came, so much to prepare for, so much tobuy.I would have to put in some serious hours to afford everything for the new baby. My mind combed through what I could do to make money while still helping Jackwith all of his horses. How we could afford this lifestyle or a fuckingbaby.
I had to brush it off before the anxious thoughts could overtake my new mindset of doing everything without a second thought. I had to do this. For Jack. For myself. For our baby.
Now all I had to do was prove to myself that I was capable.
***
“Maggie?” The back door opened and closed while I stocked the refrigerator with groceries. As many times as I had done this at home, now it felt like I was actually adulting. There were more vegetables and cookable food in this refrigerator now, rather than six cases of beer. Jack didn’t request alcohol, and I wasn’t sure if it was because he knew I didn’t drink or because he simply didn’t want anything.
“In here,” I called back, unaware of Jack’s whereabouts. Footsteps echoed closer to my spot in the kitchen until I caught that crisp leather scent and felt his presence behind me.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned to find Jack with his head hung low, eyes pleading, and stance uncomfortable. Searching his eyes for a further explanation, I closed the door to the refrigerator and focused on him. “What for?”
“Last night. This morning. The past few weeks.”
My heart dropped a little in my chest. He had seen me break down half a dozen times in the last week, andhewas apologizing? Jack had no idea how grateful I was for his display of emotions the night before, despite how intense it was to witness.
I needed him as much as he needed me. We both needed that reminder.
“Do you remember what I said last night?”
He flinched at the mention of it.
“You can’t apologize for that, Jack. Everything between us has been a rollercoaster, and we’re still trying to figure it all out.”
