Letting go and letting my anxiety take over wasn’t easy—I fought it with every weak part of me that resided when I was in this state. But the tight knot in my chest wouldn’t subside. It was pulling and pulsing. It was itching and pressing. It was the real-life seventh circle of hell.
Either I was having hallucinations while having a panic attack, which had never happened before, or footsteps were coming closer to my room. I tried to focus my brain enough on the sound to make out what it was.
“Jack!” Footsteps. Covers. Someone on the bed. Someone's fingers on my skin. In my hair. On my face.
“Jack…please…tell…okay?” The voice faded in and out. Hair fell onto my shoulders and against my face.
Then it hit me.
Warmth. Honey. Cider.
Her.
My breathing didn’t slow, but my hearing gradually returned. Someone was in my lap. A hand rubbed up and down my back in a soothing rhythm while another cupped my cheek, brushing away any sweat or tears that remained on my skin. Worried eyes came into my vision. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m right here,” a soft voice repeated. We rocked back and forth for a few beats before I fell into the arms holding me up. My body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. “You’re okay. I’m here, Jack.”
“M-Maggie.” My hoarse voice was pathetic.
My breath caught a few more times before I could finally slow it down. I might have lain helplessly for an hour, and I wouldn’t have known it. The soft skin touching me felt so comforting—the smell of home was the only thing keeping me sane. My erratic heartbeat finally quieted in my ears, but the hand rubbing my back persisted through every breath.
“I’m right here,” Maggie’s soft voice echoed in my ears and bounced back and forth in my head a few times.
When I could finally take a breath deep enough to pull my head from her shoulder, I could barely bring myself to look into her eyes. She didn’t care, though. Of course, she didn’t. The woman before me was utter perfection. A true caretaker at heart. She simply pulled me closer and wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace. I let myself relax and bring my arms around her waist.
“Mags–”
“What was that?” There was so much concern in her voice that another sob threatened to return before I forced it down.
A few moments passed before I could answer. Funny how I was always this confident, cocky asshole to everyone, so sure that this weak part of me was covered up enough so no onewould ever suspect it, and yet Maggie witnessing a panic attack made me feel like a piece of dirt on the floor.
It was mortifying.
“A panic attack.” My voice was still a rasp as I attempted to get the words out. A small sigh left Maggie’s mouth and slipped into my ear.
Terror flooded my brain. Shecouldn’tbe worried about me. She had enough to worry about. I didn’t need anyone taking care of me. This wasn’t Jack Hennicke. This was the broken little kid that always asked where his mother was, the kid that couldn’t do good for the life of him. The kid who wanted justonemore chance to prove himself worthy.
“Do you have them often?” She whispered so softly, I almost didn’t register it.
“No.”
“What was it about?”
I didn’t dare pull away from her. It was dark, but she was close enough to see my puffy eyes. “Just a bad dream.”
“Jack.” I heard the warning in her voice. There was a pause. “Don’t you think I know you’re just as terrified as I am? Don’t you know that if we don’t work together through this journey, neither of us is going to make it? Don’t you know I’m here for you every step of the way?”
“I’m supposed to be the one saying those things.”
“No, you’re supposed to come to me when you’re worried about things like this.”
I sighed.
“You shouldn’t give in to toxic masculinity, you know.” She spoke so matter-of-factly, I let out a soft chuckle before tightening my grip on her. She was so wise beyond her years. It baffled me that she didn’t see herself fit to take on a relationship. Maggie Rynne was a gem to be cherished, and I loved that she wasn’t afraid to call me on my shit. “Look…you don’t have tocome crying to me if you’re having a bad day, but Idowant you to come to me about your concerns. It’s not good to go through this alone. Whatever happens, I've got you.”
She repeated the same reassuring words I had given her in the car the other day.
This woman was fucking magnificent. So strong. A woman I would never live up to being worthy of, even if I wanted more with her.
I couldn’t say anything. I just pulled her tighter into my arms and held on for the weak moment I let myself have.
