Holy shit.
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
This was not happening.
I was delaying the inevitable: that there was a 9% chance I was carrying a baby that belonged toJackfuckingHennicke. The man I worked for, the man I could never trust with a child, let alone a whole family. He was apolo player, for God’s sake. No different from my own father.
I dropped the paper and the box to the floor and paced the bathroom, taking breaths so deep I felt them in my stomach.
A few minutes later, I turned on the shower, running steaming hot water over my body, praying it would wash off this terrifying situation. Who could I go to? Who could I tell? Other than my distant friend, Luciana, I was surrounded entirely by men. There was no way I could tell her anything, anyway. She was the type of person to spread news like wildfire, and this was not something I could risk getting out to anyone else. Specifically, Jack Hennicke.
I’m completely alone.
Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths.
My stomach wanted to empty its contents.
My heart wanted to stop pumping.
My uterus wanted to pretend none of this was actually happening.
Holy shit, I might be pregnant.
I needed to take control of the situation before it took me like a tidal wave. I needed to make a plan, but first, I needed to go to the drugstore and buy a pregnancy test.
A half-hour later, I was in the family planning aisle at Walgreens, discreetly trying to figure out which pregnancy test to buy. I was twenty-two for God’s sake. I didn’t know what brands of tests were the most accurate. They all said 99% accuracy anyway, and percentages were pissing me off. Igrabbed two different brands and tensely waited in line at the register.
“Next customer, please.” The clerk looked up at me. She was an older woman, maybe in her sixties, with graying black hair, and her presence made my uncomfortable shopping trip feel a little more tolerable. She looked like a mother figure, something I could really use right now.
When I placed my items on the counter, her eyes lit up. “Well, congratulations. Or, pre-congratulations.”
I cleared my throat and attempted a smile. “Thank you. Not sure yet, but we’ll know soon.”
It hit me that, once—if—I became visibly pregnant, people would look at me differently. I would no longer be a professional polo player. My goal of becoming a renowned female in my industry would move to the back burner. Motherhood was going to crush my dreams and leave me in the dust.
My stomach caved at the thought.
She began scanning the items, a soft smile still on her face. “Whatever happens, sweetheart, I wish you the best of luck.”
I thanked her and carried my bag outside into the fresh air, the possibility of the test results hanging heavy in my heart. I didn’t want or mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t know how to take care of anyone but myself and a few horses, and I sure as hell had no idea what the rest of my life was going to look like.
The drive home felt empty. I was nowhere near mentally present. My head was going in every which direction about this, creating every scenario possible.
If it came down to it, it would kill me to give my child away. If I found out I was pregnant tonight, I vowed to take responsibility. I wouldn’t put my child through the awful abandonment issues my mother left me with. They wouldknowthey were loved.
The worst possibility would have been Jack completely denying that it was his child and leaving me alone to raise it.Then everything would be on my dad and me, and we surely weren’t financially able to take care of a kid for eighteen years, let alone come up with a college fund. My heart crumpled at the idea. Having grown up with one parent for most of my life, it pained me to know my child might share the same fate. But Jack wouldn’t do that…would he?
And my dad—he couldn’t help take care of a child. He was busy enough on his own with his sponsors and horses and…alcoholism. Yeah, there was no way I would raise a kid where alcohol was a problem.
I am so fucked.
The best case would be…I didn’t know, Jack helping out? No matter how perfect it would be, I could not foresee a future with him in any way, and I doubted he would want anything to do with actually raising a kid. Maybe he would pay child support or visit occasionally, but be a present father? I would be foolish to think he would step up to that monumental a responsibility.
I pulled into the driveway, thankful my dad still wasn’t home and that I wouldn’t have to face Jack tomorrow since it was Monday, everyone’s day off. Unlocking the door, I rushed inside to the bathroom to take the pregnancy tests. Something I never thought I would do…especially alone. I had no desire to get married or start a family. Hell, I wasn’t even in the market for a boyfriend. My career and my dad were the most important things to me—my only priorities. I couldn’t imagine being pregnantwitha husband in my wildest dreams, let alone being pregnant without one.
When the minute of terror was up, I squinted one eye open to look at the results.
Oh my God.
