Page 46 of The Art of Catching Feelings
She hung up first. But once she did, she still didn’t know how to start. After a few minutes, a new message popped up on her screen.
C: Was it bad?
She thought she knew what he meant. Was her marriage abusive, maybe, or even just was the divorce messy. She wanted to answerno—it wasn’t like Justin had hit her, and once she’d made the decision to end things it had been a fairly clean break, as far as the logistics went. But then she didn’t know ifnotold the whole story, either.Being with Justin had made her feel claustrophobic and small, and she was still working through the aftermath of that.
D: He was my brother’s best friend. Is my brother’s best friend, I guess I should say.
C: That must be hard. Him still having a role in your life.
So far, Daphne had been able to largely avoid Justin, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to forever. She’d go over to visit the new baby, and there he’d be. Cookouts at her brother’s house, Thanksgivings when Justin didn’t travel to see his own parents…she didn’t relish the thought of having to deal with him in all those situations.
D: I had such a big crush on him, growing up. When we finally got together, it felt like a dream come true. Like something out of a movie.
This was the easy part to explain. Daphne was almost ashamed of how proud she’d been of her and Justin’s “love story,” how much she’d loved to tell it to people. It was what happened after that was harder to talk about.
D: Looking back, I think that’s what drew him to me. He loved how much I loved him, if that makes sense. Like, have you ever seen Sixteen Candles?
C: It’s been a long time. I don’t remember it as well as Pretty in Pink. But yes, I’ve seen it.
D: Jake Ryan is SUCH a catch, right? He’s so dreamy, and he spends the whole movie trying to find out more about Sam. But if you think about it, one of the only things he ever says about her is that it’s kind of cool, how much she’s always looking at him.
C: Doesn’t he also send his actual girlfriend home drunk with a kid he just met?
D: Yeah, and says, “Have fun.” Literally this guy is the worst. But the actor is beyond hot, so somehow Jake Ryan still gets to be a certified dreamboat even decades later.
C: I take it you’re the Sam in this scenario.
D: Basically. And maybe that wasn’t fair to him, either, maybe I loved a version of him I put on a pedestal rather than the real person. But at least I tried.
C: And he didn’t.
D: I started to realize that we were always watching whatever new show he was into, or going out with his friends. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind doing either! But it was almost like he didn’t care to be alone with me, except for, you know. And even that felt like it didn’t matter that it was ME specifically, just that it was a warm body.
She couldn’t believe she’d typed all that. She hadn’t necessarily planned to get into the nitty-gritty of her sex life with Justin, but it had ended up being a big part of what went wrong. It had been one area where she couldn’t deny she was unsatisfied, even to herself.
C: I hate that he made you feel that way. Did you ever talk to him about it?
D: A few times. We even tried one counseling session, but he got angry and said the therapist was a quack and we never returned for the second appointment. We didn’t cancel it, either, so we still got charged two hundred dollars.
C: Ouch.
She felt like she was losing the thread of what she was trying to say. She could tell a thousand stories about all the little moments that had added up, like tiny paper cuts that you could shrug off until all of a sudden you were covered with them. The times she’d shared an idea of something she wanted to do, and he’d pointed out all the reasons why she wouldn’t be able to. The times she’d worn a new outfit or gotten her hair styled, wanting to try a new look, and he’d made her feel self-conscious and stupid. The times she’d lain on her back, staring at the ceiling, while he’d fallen asleep next to her without seeming to notice or care that she was obviously not happy.
D: It was my fault. I recognize that. I felt misgivings about marrying him on our wedding day, on the day he proposed. But I kept thinking it would get better. That the more he got to know me, the more he’d eventually love me.
C: You wanted the relationship to work. That’s nothing to beat yourself up about.
D: I feel like such a failure. Our last big fight came because of this board game we played over at one of his friends’ houses. I can’t remember the name, but it was one of those where you try to guess how someone else will answer a question, almost like a Newlyweds style game. It was us and two other couples, and I don’t know, I guess they thought it would be fun.
C: Already the idea of this game is making me break out into stress hives, but go on.
D: Right? So much pressure, because no one wants to be the couple who doesn’t know each other as well. And then he missed literally EVERY SINGLE QUESTION about me. My favorite color. My biggest fear. My least favorite place I’ve traveled. And okay, it’s not like they make you take a survey to get your marriage license, but his answers were so off I actually thought he was trolling me.
C: But turned out he was just an oblivious prick?
Daphne snorted at that one. She shouldn’t encourage the shit-talking, probably, but damn. It felt good to see Chris lay it out like that.
D: We got into a huge argument in the car on the way home. Basically, it retreaded familiar ground about how I felt like he didn’t care, he said I was being overly sensitive and reading too much into it, and on and on. Only this time we said stuff we couldn’t take back. He said that maybe my problem was that I wasn’t “interesting” or “charismatic.” And I said I wanted a divorce.
