Speaking of babies, a redhead who looks younger than Rhett saunters over and puts a hand on Seth's arm.
"My friend and I want to challenge you and your partner to a game," she says, standing so close to him that their hips are almost touching.
Her friend is lurking nearby, watching Eli with hungry eyes. The denim shorts these girls are wearing are so tiny and tight that I'm pretty sure they'll be getting yeast infections.
Seth steps slightly away from her and nods his chin at me.
"Andie and Jenny won so it's their table. Y'all should play them."
"That's okay," I say sweetly. "I'm done playing for now. You guys go ahead."
When I get back to Rhett's table, I'm sure to face the opposite direction from the pool tables so I won't know what Seth is doing with the redhead. Obviously, he can do whatever he wants, and it's no concern to me. I'm just glad I got to beat him at a game of pool.
Rhett and his friends are lovely, but talk mainly revolves around the farms they work at and the people they know, and I don't have much to contribute to the conversation. After a while, Rhett and I start talking by ourselves, and he explains that he lives at the farm in sort of a barracks for the young people who are interning there, training to be farmers. It sounds fairly rudimentary, like summer camp but with manual labor instead of volleyball and sailing lessons, and there's little privacy. There are eight people living in his cabin and eight more in the cabin next door, with a bathroom joining the two. He sleeps in a bunkbed above a guy who snores incessantly. His plan is to spend a year or two there, then travel a bit, working on organic farms in Europe.
"I wish I'd done something like that after college," I say. "Not that a farm would have been my thing, but I didn't take any time off to be adventurous or consider what I wanted to do next."
"Why not?"
"I didn't have any money and college loans needed to be paid. And maybe I wasn't as brave as you are."
Rhett looks at me with the naïveté of someone who has never paid for health insurance. "It's not too late. You could have your big adventure now."
I laugh and run my finger around the rim of my beer glass. "No, I think that ship has sailed. I'm still paying my college loans, and honestly, sharing a bathroom with fifteen strangers doesn't sound that appealing at this point."
"What would your big adventure be, if you could take one?" he asks.
I think about it for a minute, then say, "I don't know. I've always wanted to see Ankor Wat and the Taj Mahal. Traveling around Asia would probably be the thing I'd do, if I had the time and money."
"You should save up and go," he says. "Life is too short."
"Hopefully we still have sixty or seventy more years left."
Rhett's smile has a tinge of sadness to it. "Yeah, but you never know what life will bring. A friend of mine was killed in a car wreck last year. It really made me think about how I need to live my life for today and not do things that don't make me happy. He thought he had another seventy years, too, you know?"
Rhett is young, but he's much more mature than a lot of people I know. There aren't any romantic sparks, but I enjoy being with him. For a little while, I even forget about Seth being on the other side of the room. Our talk goes on for another half hour before I find myself yawning and needing to get on the road.
When I tell him I'm heading out, Rhett offers to walk me to my car. It's a kind gesture, but I've got pepper spray on my keychain. Then he asks for my number, and it's the first time I sense that he's interested in stimulating more than my brain. If we were back home, I would probably give him a soft rejection so he didn't get the wrong idea, but it's awkward being that direct, and I'm pretty sure I won't be here much longer anyway. I take his phone and enter my contact information for him. When I'm done, he gives me a warm hug goodbye, and his shirt smells lightly of patchouli. There's still no zing of attraction between us, which is neither a disappointment nor a relief. It just is.
On my way to the door, I pass by Seth who is at the bar listening to some older guy tell a story, and I'm reminded what it feels like to get that little flicker of excitement in your stomach when you're attracted to someone. My feelings for Seth are so baffling. I want to pinch him as I walk by, but I'm not sure if it's because I need to touch him or I want to hurt him. Maybe it's both.
He turns and sees me, and I give him a little wave. He chin nods in reply, and I catch his glance over at Rhett. He's checking to see whether I'm leaving alone. There's a moment, just a second or two, when I think he's going to speak to me. He puts his hand on the bar and turns toward me slightly, our eyes catching hold of each other. And I pause, waiting. His mouth opens, but the man speaks to him again, and he turns away from me.
What am I feeling? Irritation, disappointment, regret? All in all, it was a good night, and what did I expect to happen? There's no reason to feel like the evening ended badly.
I open my window as I drive, letting the night air rush into the car. The cool wind is exhilarating after another hot day, but it's not dissipating this heavy feeling in my chest. I don't want to acknowledge it for what it is, a deep well of loneliness that has opened up inside me. Hugh's news about Chicago has shaken me to my core. I know I depend on him too much. Dad, too. But they've been the most important people in my life for so many years. Is it wrong to want them near me? I feel like someone is rending the threads from the pattern of my old life, and somehow I'm supposed to sew myself back together again. That must be why I'm still thinking about Seth, and the way he was looking at me tonight when I left the bar.
Nine
Dadand I are at the goat barn preparing for the evening milking when my phone dings with a message from Rhett.Are you coming back to the farmer's market this week? We've got an amazing crop of melons, zucchinis and tomatoes. Hope to see you there!He includes an artful photo of the aforementioned produce.
"Rhett wants to know if I'll be at the farmer's market tomorrow." Dad looks up from sterilizing a goat's teat, and I hold up the picture on my phone. "He wants to show me his zucchini."
Dad tries to hide a smile. "You're terrible."
"I guess this is an organic farmer's idea of a dick pic."
"Stop!"
