It’s not that Nix hasn’t wanted every minute of every second of pleasure he’s spent with his mates. He has.
His wolf wanted the bonds so much, and he felt Finn’s missing one like a lost limb or a missing fourth wheel; he was just driving in circles, weirdly tilted to the side.
Those moments are ones he’ll treasure forever, and they were for him just as much as them.
He knows that much, at least.
But his body is the only thing he has to offer.
Even if he’s used up and tainted, they don’t seem to mind—and they seem so happy with him afterward.
It’s enjoyable for everyone, so easy to just keep doing it while keeping the mental box perfectly closed.
Mostly.
Now, though, Nix doesn’t want to think that his mate is rejecting him. He wants to be reasonable, and he can feel their bond is strong and good. Grayson may say “no” and have Nix respect that.
But it doesn’t feel good when Grayson tells him to wait or when he rolls away.
Nix doesn’t know where he stands or what he’s supposed to do now.
What good is he if he’s not desired?
“Ow, Jesus. Fuck.”
The soul bond snaps tight and vibrates with white-hot fury. It has Grayson jackknifed up on the bed, sweating even harder than before.
“Angel. What are you thinking that has our bond feeling like I’ve been set on fire?”
Bolting into the bathroom, Nix throws off his t-shirt and turns the water on extra hot. He’s under the scalding water as soon as it heats, scrubbing his skin with his new loofah, which now only serves to make him feel even sicker to his stomach—where before, it had meant Leo was thinking of him.
Now, it’s just one more example of how Nix onlytakes, takes, takes.
Nix is ruined, and no matter how hard he scrubs, he’ll never get the stain of Hayes off his skin.
Never be clean enough to deserve his nest or his mates.
He’s yanked from the shower and into Grayson’s arms so fast that they slip and slide on the floor. It’s puddled with water, as Nix must have forgotten to close the door.
“Nix! Are you all right? Fuck, look at your skin.”
Skin burning and soap in his eyes, Nix just stands still and lets Grayson wipe his face with a soft towel.
The burning is fading already, and when it’s gone, the ache in his soul returns. It’s too much.
Grayson helps him to his feet. “Angel. Please. What did I do?”
“You haven’t done anything. It’s me. I know it’s me. Can I finish my shower, please? I need to be clean. I need to.”
If he can wash hard enough, maybe the others won’t notice. Maybe Grayson won’t tell them how dirty he is.
“Please don’t tell them.”
“Don’t tell them what? That you tried to burn your skin off? I’m so fucking confused.”
Grayson is distressed, but Nix doesn’t want to talk about it.
He wants his mate to leave him alone, so Nix doesn’t reveal how messed up he is, how broken.
