“You opened the can of worms so we are now.” His gaze sharpens when we step outside and begin walking toward the office.
Seamus’s hands are shoved into the pockets of his jacket. He doesn’t rush me. He waits.
The weight of everything I’ve kept buried for too long presses against my ribs. Seamus is watching me in anticipation—his blue eyes locked on to mine, intense and unyielding.
Well…he wants to know. He asked.
So I decide to give it to him. All of it.
I let out a sharp breath and break eye contact because there’s no fucking way I can do this if I’m looking at him. “It wasn’t one guy. It wasallthe guys.”
Seamus makes a low, irritated sound in his throat. To his credit, he doesn’t interrupt.
Apparently, I’ve lost all sense of self-preservation tonight, and I begin to spill my deep-seated insecurities to a guy who has no business knowing any of them.
“I was a late bloomer. The quiet girl. Smart. Not the type who got asked to dances. In high school, the boys called me Marshmella behind my back.Hilarious.” I laugh spitefully. “In college, I decided to get thin. I lost forty pounds. Nearly passed out every time I stood up. But, hell. I fit into a size six, so—hey—I must have beenwinning, right?”
Seamus low-level growls beside me.
“The first time I had sex, I was drunk. It wasn’t some tragic after-school special, I wanted it. Thought I was making some grand feminist statement.” I dig my fingernails in my palm. “He lasted about ninety seconds, rolled off, and a week later, I overheard him telling his friend he didn’t ‘date girls over 125 pounds.’ Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Over and over.”
“By law school, my self-esteem was in the gutter. Then I met a guy who was like me. We were both bigger, so I figured, hey, common ground. Turned out he also had a limit. Didn’t mind fucking me for thirty seconds every night. Didn’t want to be part of a ‘fat couple.’”
We arrive at my building. “So yeah, after dozens of similar experiences on dating apps over the past decade…I’m over it.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Seamus takes my elbow.
I look at my shoes and shake my head. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not.” He squeezes lightly.
Tears threaten to spill, which cannot happen. “It is what it is.”
“I have a confession to make.” He tips my chin up to look at him. “Clearly you’re not interested so I’m not trying to make this situation weirder. I’m going to tell you because somehow you believe you aren’t fucking desirable. You need to know it’s the biggest load of horseshit I’ve ever heard.”
I freeze.
“The truth is, I’ve been jerking off to various fantasies about you for weeks, Marcella.” He doesn’t smirk. Doesn’t tease. Says it like a fucking fact. Like he’s telling me what time of day it is.
The breath catches in my throat.
I stare at him, my pulse hammering in my ears.
Naturally, I default to self-degradation. “Seamus.Stop. I’m supposed to believe I’m the fantasy of a devastatingly handsome neurosurgeon-to-be who’s essentially a decade younger than me—and a virgin to boot?”
“Yes. Youshouldbelieve. It’s true.” He doesn’t flinch.
I roll my eyes way back into my head. “Seamus—”
“Are we so different? You bury yourself in your work. So do I. You’re lonely. So am I. You come from a big, chaotic family. Same. You’re close with your parents. Same.” His eyes flick over my face, searching. “Neither of are fulfilled in our sex lives because we want to be with someone who matters, which I realize makes me sound like a fucking hypocrite. Everything you said about me tonight is true. It’s why, except for one time after Miranda, I put an end to the stairwell encounters two years ago. I want to be with someone who matters. I want tobesomeone who matters.”
My heart trips over itself.
His voice dips lower, like he’s saying something dangerous. Something true. “Every part of me wants to prove to you how fucking beautiful and desirable you are. Right. Fucking. Now.”
I swallow. Hard.
“I won’t though, because I respect you. We need boundaries. I won’t do anything to make you question your professionalism or mine.” He threads his fingers through his hair. “We have a job to do. Miranda deserves justice. Caldwell needs to be held responsible.” His lips quirk up, barely. “For now, maybe we can take the walls down and be friends.”
