She picked her tablet back up, dismissing me.
Breathe, Rachel. Breathe. She didn’t see you. ?
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
This was fine. I was going to have a lovely day with Dante and Bee, and I wasn’t going to let Iris spoil a single minute of it.
Bee had the absolute time of her life.
We took her to Scarborough beach, and as soon as she saw the sea in the distance, she started squealing with excitement and was out of the car before it even came to a full stop. Shedidn’t go far. She stood at her dad’s door, waiting for him to get out of the car, her feet tip-tapping on the floor like an excited puppy.
We headed to the arcades first, and she had a ball with the two pence slot machines. Dante paid the guy behind the desk fifty quid to give her any prize she wanted when Bee wasn’t looking, and she came out with a Stitch teddy more than half her size, for the grand total of all the five tickets she won from the machine.
I couldn’t help but smile at her as we walked to get some food. She proudly displayed her teddy for all the strangers to see. Her little back was arched as she struggled to carry it, but she wouldn’t let go. She told everyone who would listen that she won it herself, without a single bit of help from her Mummy and Daddy.
My heart skipped a beat at hearing her call me her mummy. I didn’t know if she meant it, or she was just repeating what someone had already asked her. A kind, elderly lady had seen Bee’s wide grin and had bent down to admire the teddy.
“How wonderful! Did your Mummy and Daddy help you with that?”
Bee had grown silent for a second before shaking her head. “Mummy doesn’t like those machines. She said they’re all rigged to take our money. And Daddy was too busy twirling her hair and holding her hand to help. I did it all myself.”
Dante hadn’t even seemed the slightest bit embarrassed. He simply pulled me even closer to him, earning a big grin from Bee.
But still. The interaction played on my mind. Especially as Bee was now referring to me as her mum without hesitation. She was watching the street, trying to catch people’s eyes. And if she did, she told them how useless her mummy and daddy were, and how talented she was.
It was cute, and I was overthinking.
What else was new?
“What did you think of that?” Dante murmured in my ear as Bee settled down to eat her KFC lunch.
“Of what?” I asked, sitting the Stitch teddy next to me, earning me a nod of approval from Bee.
“You know what. Of her calling you her mummy.”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly, keeping my voice low. Bee had chosen to sit at the small table with the colouring pens two tables over from us, so I knew she couldn’t hear what we were saying, but I still kept my responses quiet, just in case. “I always knew it might happen in time. I just don’t want her to feel as though she has to, or that she’s being forced in any way. I don’t want to be Laura’s replacement, but I want her to be comfortable enough with me to be able to call me what she feels is right.” I mumbled in a rush of words.
“She adores you, Rachel. She knows she has a mother. We’ve never kept Laura’s memory from her. She has pictures, videos on an old phone, and even some of Laura’s old toys. She knows Laura existed. But Bee is young. Really young. She only had Laura for the first six months of her life. She doesn’t remember anything. She only knows what we’ve told her. The girl needs a mother, and she’s chosen you.”
“I know, but—”
“No, listen to me,” he said, scooting slightly closer. He placed his hands on my knees and looked at me, his eyes scanning my face. “I know this sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Bee doesn’t see Laura as her mum. Laura is the woman we’ve told her is her mother. She sees pictures of Laura holding her as a baby, and she sees pregnancy videos, but they’re not her memories. They don’t belong to her. They are things we have planted in her mind. She considers Laura her mother because we’ve told her so. But there’s no love there. She doesn’t miss Laura. She misses what she never had. She misses the thought of a mother. And I know saying that will have mothers up and down the country raging at me, but it’s true. There’s no love towards Laura. What there is, is a hole in her life where a mother should be. Bee wants someone real, not memories that belong to everyone else. And she’s chosen you.”
“And you’re absolutely certain you haven’t told her to call me mum?”
“Of course not,” he said, his eyebrows raising. “It’s not my place to force that on her.”
“Should I mention it to her?” I asked, chewing my lower lip.
“If you want. See if she does it again on her own terms. Today, she had other people referring to you as mummy. Maybe she felt uncomfortable. Maybe she felt like it suited. All we can do is talk to her. Let’s give her a few days, see how shecontinues to act, and then we can all sit down as a family and talk through it. Deal?”
“Deal,” I grinned. I opened my mouth to say something else when his phone started ringing.
“Shit.” Dante hissed, looking down at the phone. “It’s Crash. I better answer.”
I nodded, and he stood up and went outside, bringing the phone to his ear as he did so. I glanced over at Bee, who was scribbling away on a piece of paper, her tongue hanging out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated on her masterpiece.
Did she really see me as her mum? Could I actually be that lucky to have this amazing little thing in my life permanently?
