“Change of topic there, doc, but I’ll bite. Have you seen her?” I scoffed. “She’s every man’s ideal woman.”
Her smile was filled with endless patience. “Outside of looks. Is she your ideal woman?”
“I…” I sighed heavily. “Yeah, I guess she is.”
“But how did you know that was going to be the case when you kidnapped her? I’m guessing there wasn’t much conversation with her before the kidnapping took place?”
“A few words,” I admitted.
“So how did you know how much you were going to enjoy her company, based on a mere look?”
“I… I guess I didn’t.”
“So how can you say with certainty that Miss Brooks would not have wanted a man like you?”
“I didn’t want a woman like her, either, to be fair. I didn’t kidnap her with the intention of falling in love with her. I kidnapped her because I assumed she was going to be a good mother to my kid.”
“Are you not a good enough parent on your own?” She asked, raising one of her eyebrows at me.
“No,” I said simply.
“Why do you think that?”
“For one, I think all little girls need their mother. Hell, lads need their mothers too. Lord knows I still need mine. Macbeth needed her. I wanted Bee to have a mother figure in her life. And for two, I’m not a good parent. I hear it all the time. People question why I wanted a mother for her when I’m not a good father. And surely the answer is fucking obvious. It’sbecauseI’m not a good parent that I wanted a mother for her. I wanted someone to pick up where I was lacking. I wanted Bee to have someone to keep her grounded. I wanted her to have someone outside the idiots of the fucking club to help provide her with a fresh perspective. I thought Rachel was that woman. So I took her.”
“And do you still think she’s that woman?”
“No,” I laughed. “She’s nothing like I thought she was going to be. She’s better. She’s a million times fucking worse, and yet somehow a million times better. I don’t expect you to understand, because I sure as hell don’t. And now that I know who she truly is, I can see just how much I don’t deserve her.”
“But by your own admission, you love her.” It wasn’t a question. But I answered it anyway.
“I did.”
“And that was a leap of faith. Don’t you think Rachel deserves to make her own decisions about what partner she chooses?”
“In an ideal world. But we don’t live in an ideal world, do we?”
“Most of the time, I find we’re trapped in a mental hell of our own creation,” she smiled again. “I noticed you referred to your feelings in the past tense for a second there. Are you still in love with Miss Brooks?”
Was I?
“It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t feel the same way. And if I tried to tell her, she’d accuse me of manipulating her.”
“I think you spend a lot of time assuming everything Miss Brooks is going to say, that you don’t give her the opportunity to think for herself.”
“I know her,” I said simply. “It’s easy for you to say that, because you’re running off textbook knowledge. But humans don’t always behave according to the books. Rachel certainly fucking doesn’t. I know her inside and out. Once again, I’m not assuming, because I know it for a fact.”
“It seems like if she’s your ideal woman, then you at least owe her the opportunity to decide for herself how she feels and how she responds to your feelings.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to do that to her. She’s different from what she was, Doc. She’s still the same feisty, toxic piece of shit I fell head over heels for. But she’s a mother now. She lives for those children. Her time away from me has calmed her down a lot. She has more patience. More kindness. She’s let go of a lot of hostility.”
“Why is that a problem?”
“Because I haven’t,” I said with a small shake of my head and a bitter, dry laugh. “I’m still the same man I was. And I used to think we were perfect for each other, in our own messed up way.”
“And now?”
“And now she’s too good for me. I mean, she always was. But even more so now.”
