“Sometimes, we all need a little help with our mental health. And you’ve been through such a difficult time recently. These classes might help you bring those balloons back down. It won’t pop them completely, but it will help you to learn how to gently deflate them. And then when you’re ready, you can let the balloon go. Sometimes it may come back, and it may feel bigger and scarier than ever, but you’ll have the skills to try to deal with it. Does that sound okay?” I asked her.
“You can say no, sweetheart,” Dante said, resting his hand on her knee and looking up at her. “But we really think this will be a brilliant way to help you process. You have Dr Laura, and she is lovely. I know you’ve done some brilliant work with her, but this is just something extra. Something to help you on the days where you don’t see Dr Laura and things might feel overwhelming. You can always speak to me and Rachel, but this could really help.”
Dr Laura was Bee’s therapist. I knew that much. And I was happy that Bee was comfortable with her, I just hated thethought that she had been through such a shit childhood that she needed a therapist.
Bee stayed quiet, and so did we, wanting to give her the chance to process everything we had just said.
For a brief, tiny moment, her eyes met mine, and hers filled with tears. For that split second, I thought I had got through to her. And whilst I didn’t expect her to recite the dictionary to me, when she opened her mouth, I truly believed she would say something. I held my breath and forced a neutral expression on my face, not wanting to overwhelm her with my hope and excitement.
And then she clamped her mouth shut, signed goodnight, and climbed off the sofa, walking out of the room without a backwards glance.
I looked out the doorway and saw her climbing the stairs. When she was out of earshot, I expelled my breath with a heavy sigh and flopped back against the sofa.
“We can only take it one day at a time,” Dante said, sitting on the sofa next to me and leaning back as well. He twisted his head to the side to look at me. “We broached the topic and gave her something to think about. We can bring it up again in a few days and see what she thinks.”
“Have you ever wondered if this is her now? What if she doesn’t speak again?”
“Then we adjust and adapt.”
“But how do you live with the guilt?” I asked. “Because it’s already eating me alive.”
He paused for a moment. “I guess I just add it to the list of all the other things I feel guilty about,” he said quietly, absolutely stunning me for a moment.
“What else do you feel guilty about?”
He gave me a sad, lopsided smile. “We’d be here all night, Rachel. There’s not much I’ve done that I’m proud of. But let’stake last night as an example. I shouldn’t have done it, and I shouldn’t have walked away halfway through. I should have been the stronger one and put a stop to it.”
“Why?” I asked, knowing I was playing with fire again, but this time in a completely different way.
Because Dante was my weakness. When it was just physical, I could control it. But when he opened up to me, and developed the emotional bond, and allowed himself to be vulnerable… it weakened me. It was my kryptonite. And I didn’t know how to control that.
“Because you were right,” he said simply. “Sex has always clouded our judgement. And it’s always been the way we resolve things. We argue, we have sex, and then that’s it. It’s swept under the rug. Nothing is ever dealt with, it’s just ignored. And I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it. I did. But it’s not healthy, is it?”
“I guess not.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“I’m not. I guess… Well, maybe I am a bit,” I admitted. He looked at me in surprise and I gave a soft laugh. “Not that you won’t have sex with me—”
“Let me clarify. If you want sex, I’ll give you sex. I’ll give you all the sex in the fucking world. Give me one sign that you want me, and I’ll take you right there, right then, no matter where we are. But I don’t want to seduce you and have you thinking I’ve manipulated you. Which I know I’ve done before, even if I wasn’t aware at the time that’s what I was doing.”
“Good to know,” I chuckled softly. “But what I meant was that I’m disappointed, because it feels like a step away from me. I don’t know how to explain it. But even when we were arguing, I knew it was because there was this electricity between us. That I was constantly on your mind. We were fighting each other, but we were also fighting ourselves. It seems like a massive shift compared to where we were.”
“I get that. But I’m not running. I’ve run two-thirds of the way. I’m giving you the opportunity to close the gap and run that last third to me. The ball is in your court, Rachel.” We both turned our heads as we heard Axel cry out in his sleep. Dante got to his feet, but before he left, he looked down at me and said, “I’m not backing off. I’m staying right where I am. Right where I’ve always been. You’ve just never believed it. When you’re ready, close the gap, and I’m yours. Same as I’ve always been.”
Chapter 33
Dante
After yet another night lying next to Rachel, having her so close to me physically, and yet so far away from me mentally, knowing there was no way I could touch her either way, didn’t exactly leave me in the best mood for what I had planned for today.
Sitting in a therapist's office, expected to talk about my thoughts and feelings, was my idea of hell.
I was a simple man. If something annoyed me, I dealt with it. If I liked something, I kept it around. It was as easy as that. Why did I have to sit and explain it to someone? I didn’t want to sit and pick apart my every thought and action, trying to find the deep, hidden meaning of it. I wasn’t that deep to be fair. I just did shit.
But, as seemed to be the answer to all my problems these days, it was the damned fucking contract that had me doing shit I didn’t want to do.
“So why is it that you’ve volunteered to come here today?” the doc asked, her voice calm and soothing. At least, that’s the effectI guessed she was going for. It actually just irritated me. We both knew why I was here.
