So how do I say goodbye
To someone who's been with me for my whole damn life?
You gave me my name and the colour of your eyes
I see your face when I look at mine
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?
The lyrics gave me inspiration, and I started to gently sway with Dante as I spoke to him. “You don’t carry on without her. You carry her with you. She’s a part of you, and nothing will ever change that. Just like you’re a part of Bee. And just like we are a part of Axel. We keep our loved ones with us. We adopt their strengths and adapt to their weaknesses. We merge together the best of them, and make it our own. We say goodbye to their physical presence, but their spirit lives on in us, in the things they left behind. They become part of the legacy. Gone, but never forgotten.”
He lowered his head and kissed the top of my head, and we silently held each other, swaying to the music. Words were no longer needed. We had each other, and that was all that mattered in this moment.
We would figure out everything else tomorrow. But right now, Dante knew I had him. I would be the strength he could borrow when he had none of his own. I would be his mask ashe learnt to navigate this new world without the one constant he had always had championing his corner.
This was a new chapter of our lives, and together, we would write every word and make it our own.
Because it was our story now, and ours alone.
I held him tighter, my embrace sending him all the love I didn’t dare to say out loud. And in this moment, it was enough.
In the midst of the chaos around us, we took this time to slowly dance to the music, reflecting on the life we had lost behind the door to this room, and the new life that was waiting for us when we opened the door back up.
Chapter 78
Rachel
A week later, I walked at Dante’s side as we led the funeral procession march, my mind reeling with déjà vu as we laid another member of this club to rest.
I consoled myself with the thought that she was pain free, and finally reunited with Crash and Macbeth. I would keep my promise and ensure those left behind were okay, and hopefully Kitty got a second chance at a relationship with her son. One that was free from all burdens and expectations.
I threaded my arm through Dante’s and smiled up at him, giving him a gentle squeeze. He was holding it together well. In fact, since the night Kitty had died, he had yet to shed another tear. He kept me close by his side, often seeking me out for comfort in his own way—meeting my eyes across the room, pulling me close, needing to be touching me even if it was just a hand on my knee. I was grateful that he didn’t close down and shut me out the way he had when Crash had died, and so I didn’t press him about his grief.
Dante was complicated and complex, and he grieved in his own way. When he was ready to talk, he would. I couldn’t expect him to react the same way I would if someone I loved had died.
I also knew that Dante was in a difficult position. He had to be strong, not just for the Leeds members, but every member that had shown up. There were Devils from up and down the country here, coming to pay their respects to Mama.
The funeral service had been held at an actual church in town, and Bee had been granted permission to come along. Axel stayed with my dad at the clubhouse. He was far too young to process something so heavy. Bee clung to me when Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran had played as we walked the coffin down the aisle, and then sat as close as possible throughout the service.
Kitty’s body had then been transported back to the club compound, and members of the club—not just Leeds, but up and down the country—were trailing behind us as we led the way to lay her to rest next to her beloved.
Ant walked with Bee, doing his best to make her laugh. Everyone knew that she was tentatively starting to talk again, and Ant was petrified that she was going to retreat back into herself again. So he put all his grief aside and spent his days waiting to hear her laughter.
It was nice to see that new side to him, and it made me wonder why he and Imogen had never had children. But I recognised it was none of my business.
“Are you okay?” I whispered to Dante as we approached the club graveyard.
“I’m okay,” he said softly, his hand coming up to squeeze mine that was wrapped around his arm. “I’m making peace with it.”
“Don’t withdraw on me again,” I said before I could stop myself.
“I promise. Not this time. We’ve come too far. And when all this is said and done, we need to talk.”
“About what?”
“Not now. But we need to clear some things up. The club needs me now more than ever. And they need an old lady. As far as they are concerned, you are ‘Mama’ now.”
I nodded, hearing Kitty’s words in my mind. She had already warned me that I would be expected to stand in her place.
