She didn't answer me. Instead, she looked back at the party happening as more tears spilled down her face.
“Bee, look at me,” I demanded. She was shaking harder than ever, her gulps of breath becoming more and more difficult.
“Bee, if you could have any cake in the world, any cake you could ever imagine, even if it seems impossible to make, what would it be? Can you imagine that cake? Bee, sweetheart, close your eyes and imagine that cake.”
She frowned at me, probably thinking I was fucking ridiculous for asking such a question, but I had to get her breathing under control somehow.
“Close your eyes and imagine that cake,” I said firmly. She closed her eyes.
“Everyone knows that cakes need candles. You're seven, so let's add seven candles to your cake. Can you do that?”
She nodded, but her breathing was still erratic and dangerous.
“Okay, that's good. You're doing really well, honey. Can you tell me what it looks like?”
“P-pink… and big.”
“I'm already jealous! And what else?”
“And a castle,” she sobbed with a sniff.
“That sounds so awesome. Now, light the candles, and make a wish. Don't tell me what it is, but make a wish and let's blow out the candles, one by one. Take a deep breath and hold it for one second and then blow out your first candle.”
She opened her eyes and looked at the party. Her hands were clammy against mine.
“Hey, hey, candles. Close your eyes and blow out that candle for me. But we only want to blow out one. So take a deep breath and slowly blow it out.”
She took a deep breath and gently let it go.
“Perfect. Let's do the second one,” I encouraged, taking a deep breath so she could hear me. She copied my actions. “Hold it. One second… now release,” she followed my instructions until we had gone through six of the candles.
By that time, the shaking had subsided, the breathing had calmed down, and she grasped my hands tighter. The fog of panic she had been experiencing had subsided enough that she was able to blow out the last candle without my coaxing.
“Amazing. Do you feel better?”
She nodded.
“Now, I want you to listen to me, Bee.” I held her tighter, and she opened her eyes to look at me. “That's something I used to do when I was younger. It's called 'grounding'. Whenever you're feeling scared, or panicked, or overwhelmed, you just close your eyes and focus on breathing. You can come find me, and we'll work on it together, okay?” She nodded again. “That's my girl.”
I reached up to brush the hair out of her eyes before I spoke again. “You are allowed to be happy, Bee. Bad things have happened, and I know it can feel weird to be happy when you've seen so much. It's confusing, isn’t it?”
She bit her lower lip and quietly whispered, “yeah.”
“You can feel however you want to feel. If you're happy, you're allowed to be happy. If you feel like laughing, then laugh. And some days, you might feel sad. You might not even know why you're sad, and that's okay, too. We have to be sad sometimes. But it makes the happy times all the more special when we feel them. There is no right or wrong toyourfeelings. I'm in my thirties, Bee, I'mancient,” I exaggerated in a silly voice, getting the small laugh I was looking for. “But even I struggle with my feelings sometimes. It's okay. You're okay. Don't think about if it's okay, or if it's wrong or right. You feel however you feel. The good and the bad.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice stronger than it had been.
“Okay,” I repeated, patting her tummy. “Do you feel better?”
“Yes,” she nodded. I wiped the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs and held her face for a moment, looking into her eyes.
“Do you want to go back to the party? Or do you want to go into the house and relax?”
“Party.”
“You're sure?”
“I'm sure.”
