Page 24 of Turret
While keeping my feelings protected within my heart felt safe, I realized this beautiful emotion was yet another victim to the prisons that filled my life, one too precious to remain locked away forever. The thought of confessing my love felt terrifying, a gesture braver than anything I’d ever done, well beyond the reach of the old Gemma.
Yet hadn’t I already begun to do brave things? I was breaking the barriers that held me back one by one, slowly and often with great trepidation, but breaking them all the same. Overcoming such an obstacle made my feelings seem less frightening and instead more a challenge I desired to overcome, a mountain whose summit I yearned to reach. If I could climb to the top, I was certain nothing else would stand in my way in the life I wanted to live.
Yet fear was a very effective jailer, often visiting to whisper dark reminders of the reservations holding me back.You can’t confess your love. Surely he’ll reject your feelings, for he has no reason to care for a sickly and useless princess.
My fears quickly whispered another horrible possibility to my anxious mind: if he didn’t feel the same way not only would our friendship change, but since he and I were together all the time…in close quarters…indefinitely…any unrequited feelings would be all the more torturous—and humiliating.
These dark thoughts curled around my heart, making it difficult to untangle myself from their hold. I knew I shouldn’t believe them, a battle easier to win when my observations of Quinn gave me reason to hope that he cared for me the way I longed for. His expression was always so soft, his eyes tender…surely he wouldn’t look at me in such a way if all he felt was indifference.
Due to his position as my guard, I knew I had to be the one to make the first move if I had any hope of creating something more between us. The thought was both frightening and exhilarating, especially when I imagined my beautiful future should he accept my feelings. Even the tower would become a less stifling prison if I had love to live for. With it and my newly discovered purpose with my herbs, the future was looking far brighter than the shadows from my past had ever given me reason to hope.
Once I had decided to share my feelings, I waited for the perfect opportunity…and one soon came. I awoke early one morning to the sun peeking over the horizon and the sunrise tumbling through my bedroom window.
I pulled on a dressing gown and pattered to the balcony in my bare feet. Usually my unhappy memories and fear of heights kept me away from it, but this morning I found myself drawn to the beauty lighting up my room.
My breath hitched in wonder the moment I stepped outside. The sky was ablaze with gold and orange light, the perfect backdrop to the surrounding forest whose leaves were cloaked in the colors of autumn. The entire world was orange, ruby, and gold, a sight so wondrous I was left breathless.
I settled on the stone floor and slipped my arms through the railing, holding my body close to the tower, a way to ground myself as I savored the beauty before me. In this position I watched as the sun rose higher, tinging the sky with blue and casting patterns of golden light across the tree tops.
Despite the lovely sight, my heart ached with a strange longing to be watching the unfolding beauty not from several stories above but from the ground; not to be looking down but instead standing beneath the canopy of branches, a cocoon different than the one I currently inhabited but one I was sure would feel just as secure.
Quinn’s familiar footsteps sounded behind me, dispelling my musings. Nerves twisted my stomach, such a contrast to the warm wonder the scene had caused to envelop me. We were alone, making this the perfect moment to share my feelings with Quinn. I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful and peaceful setting.
I gathered every ounce of courage close and with a wavering breath swiveled around to face Quinn. He hovered near the doorway, his brows drawn with surprise and obvious concern.
“Are you alright, Princess Gemma?” I sensed his unspoken question in the inquiry—why was I on the balcony I’d previously always avoided? Though the balcony was recently formed—having been created a year into my imprisonment as the tower encouraged me outdoors—this was where I’d stood as I watched Mother and Reve abandon me after trapping me in the tower. I used to stand here every day to watch for Mother or Reve's return…only they never came, and I'd eventually given up.
I motioned to the view. “It’s so lovely. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed before.” To think I’d wasted so many sunrises within the walls of the tower. He still looked puzzled, so I continued. “I suppose the beauty was stronger than the memories of this balcony.”
His shoulders relaxed. “I’m grateful time has healed the hurt you experienced from that horrible event so you’re able to enjoy such a wondrous morning. There have been many lovely views in the locations the tower has brought you to.”
I felt a twinge of regret that I’d chosen to experience so little of the beautiful views the tower had offered over the years. If the turret ever regained enough magic to shift locations again, I would be certain not to miss any of the new wonders it brought me to.
In his unique way, Quinn sensed my melancholy and stepped closer, his jaw set with determination. “I promise you’ll escape this tower, and then nothing will keep you from experiencing all life has in store for you ever again.”
To see more of the world…for a moment, I allowed myself to imagine the possibility of having more moments like this, and for once the thought of leaving didn’t feel quite as terrifying or even impossible. Yet I still couldn’t quite let go of the security that came from the tower. I tightened my arms around the railing.
“Perhaps.”
He frowned at my answer, knowing me too well for me to hide the reason I still resisted the thought of breaking free. He studied me a thoughtful moment before sighing and bridging the remaining distance to stand beside me. My heart flared to life at his proximity, reminding me of my purpose. My nerves returned in a rush, making it difficult to find my voice.
“Won’t you sit down?” I managed. “It’s rather disconcerting having you loom over me.”
He hesitated before settling close beside me so that I was enveloped in his warm, cedar-wood scent, which both lent me courage and escalated my anxiety. I hoped that after my confession such closeness between us would become commonplace rather than something to be shy about.
This desire was strong enough to push past the fear blocking my voice. But I’d no sooner regathered my courage than Quinn broke the silence, cutting off my confession before I could even speak. “Is there another reason you ventured to the balcony? Did you have a nightmare?”
The words I’d prepared departed in a rush. I released a whooshing breath. “No, nothing like that.”
I sensed his gaze and glanced over to find him watching me with a furrowed brow. “It’s much easier to see you in the light.” He gave his head a rigid shake. “Forgive me for prying, but you seem rather out of sorts. Please know that if there’s anything I can do to help you, you need only ask.”
My heart swelled at his loyalty. His words were the invitation I desperately needed to regather my courage and the words that seemed to have scattered around me like the autumn leaves carpeting the ground below. Even after I’d found them, it took a moment to arrange them in the proper order.
“I…have something on my mind that I want to share with you…” My voice faltered again and I hastily looked away, pressing my forehead against the balcony bars to stare out across the landscape that stretched as far as my eyes could see, my gaze unfocused, causing the colors to blur together.
“What is it, Princess?”
Despite his gentle tone my fear had returned, rendering me silent. He waited a patient moment before scooting closer to rest his hand over my first clenching the railing bar until I relaxed.
