I let the darkness engulf me, knowing he’s here. That I’m safe in his arms.
49
RUDRAKSH
Worry laces over my features as I watch Shivani’s chest heaving up and down with even breaths. Shivani’s sleeping right now. When I found her, she was having a panic attack. She was so fazed, I couldn’t reach her. Before I could do anything, she passed out—and I panicked too. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. It was like I was unwired. I immediately called the doctor and told him about the situation. He told me not to worry, just to take her home and wait for her to regain consciousness.
Now, I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her sleep. Her face looks peaceful, but the heaviness beneath her eyes lingers. I can still see the way she looked earlier—panicked, her breaths ragged like she was drowning. That image... it shook me to my core.
I’ve never seen her like this before. Not even around her parents was she this shaken. Shivani’s always been so strong, so composed. Seeing her like that—so vulnerable, so fragile—it broke my heart. I reach out, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead, my fingers lingering on her skin.
She’d only been away for ten minutes. What could’ve happened in that short time to trigger a panic attack? I need toknow. A sharp breath gets stuck in my throat. It’s my fault. I let her go; I shouldn’t have. I should have been there with her. When she made an excuse to go to the washroom, I didn’t stop her. She’s not a fan of public displays of affection. Neither am I. But with her, I just can’t help myself. I thought giving her a moment to cool down was the right thing.
Now, I silently curse myself. I should’ve known better. Crowds always make her uncomfortable. I should’ve been there. I should’ve stayed by her side. But instead, I let her go—and now this. Her chest rises and falls softly, her breathing shallow. Even in sleep, her face is creased with worry. It’s killing me to see her like this. I reach out, brushing my thumb across her cheek. My fingers shake, my touch ghosting over her skin.
Suddenly, her body tenses. “No!” She yells out of nowhere, her face morphing with pain and fear as I move closer. “Please, please leave me alone!” She sobs in her sleep, her words falling heavy against her lips.
My heart clenches. I gently grab her shoulders and shake her slightly. “Shivani,” I call softly, “wake up, love.”
“Wake up, Shivani.” My whisper hushes down her sobs, and her body stills before she wakes up. Her breaths are heavy and sharp as her eyes shoot open, wild and full of terror. She looks around frantically until her gaze lands on me.
“Hey, hey,” I soothe, rubbing my hands up and down her trembling arms. “You’re safe. You’re okay. You’re with me now.” I repeat the words softly, like a mantra, trying to calm her.
Her eyes are still wide, disoriented. She’s gasping like she just ran a marathon. It tears me apart to see her this scared, broken. I lie down beside her and gently pull her into my chest.
“I’ve got you, baby,” I whisper, holding her close. “Shhh... I’m here. I’ve got you.”
I stroke her hair, slow and gentle. Her body’s pressed tight against mine, her head resting on my chest. I can feel her heart pounding. But slowly, her breathing starts to steady. Her gasps turn into shuddering breaths.
“He was there.” Her voice comes out soft. Scared.
My hands freeze around her as my breath stills. “Who was there?” I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.
Her body shudders as she grabs my shirt like a lifeline. “I don’t know his name,” she whispers, her voice trembling.
My chest tightens, and I hold her tighter. “He used to come into my room… when I was ten,” she begins. Her voice breaks.
My mind goes blank. What does that mean? What did he do? Rage simmers beneath the surface, but I force myself to stay calm—for her. Because whatever he did shook her up, and my wife needs me right now.
“What…” I can't even finish the sentence; I am too afraid to know.
She looks up at me; her eyes are full of so much pain it wrecks me. She tries to speak, but all that comes out is a wail. A broken, raw sound that shatters me. “He… he…” She clings to me, her body shaking. I hold her tighter, my hand stroking her hair, trying to anchor her.
“He put it in my mouth, Rudra.” Her words punch the air out of my lungs. A mix of rage and helplessness floods through me. I swallow hard, trying to keep it together, but I can't. My heart breaks for the ten-year-old Shivani, for what no childshould ever go through, and my wife... I feel an urge to shout at the world for its unfairness. Shock and rage grip me tighter as my spine steels.
“I’m dirty, Rudra.” She tries to push me away, but I don’t let her. My arms tighten around her.
“No,” I say firmly, my voice laced with both pain and love. “You’re not dirty. None of this is your fault.”
She fights against me, sobbing harder. “You don’t understand. I feel so… filthy.”
I cup her face, gently lifting her gaze to mine. “Listen to me,” I say quietly, but with conviction. “What happened to you does not define you." I know saying things is easy for me, but if it helps her even one percent, I will take the chance. "You are strong. You are brave. And you are not to blame.”
Her fight weakens; silent tears run down her cheeks. She collapses into me, her tears soaking my shirt. “You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that.” My voice shakes as I hug her tighter. Rage blinds me, but this isn't the time for me to let the rage consume me. Shivani needs me right now. She matters more than my revenge.
“I’ll find him,” I whisper to myself, my promise low and furious. “I’ll end him.”
“Will you still accept me?” She asks, barely audible. Her question cuts deeper than anything else. Fear lingers in her eyes.
