Page 51 of Lightning in a Mason Jar
“What does that matter? There’s been no stopping either of you,” Annette said as she dabbed perspiration from her forehead. “I figure you’ve both been twisting yourself in knots with your secrets for long enough. Maybe you can use the ride over to have a little talk.”
A little talk? The revelation was so far beyond a simple conversation, I couldn’t even imagine where we’d begin to discuss it.
All these years I’d tortured myself over keeping secrets from him as we deepened our relationship, even becoming lovers this past year. Guilt had plagued me over technically still being married to Phillip. And yet, Russell had been keeping secrets of his own. Even knowing we had to protect the anonymity of the network, I still couldn’t shake the sense of betrayal that Russell hadn’t said something, anything, even a hint to put my mind at ease. How well did I really know him if he could keep such a huge secret so easily? I felt catapulted back into a time I’d been gaslit, manipulated into feeling bad about things that weren’t my fault.
I knew Russell was a hundred times more of a man than Phillip could ever dream of being. Yet somehow, that only made the heartache all the worse for having placed him on a pedestal.
An hour later, as Russell and I turned off Annette’s dirt driveway onto the narrow back road, I still hadn’t come close to resolving my hurt and anger. And we had at least twenty long, awkward minutes in the vehicle together before we reached our pickup location.
I very well might explode before then.
Annette had no reason to share about Russell’s role, but her omission over the years stung. It was one thing to shield the identity of people in other towns, but why keep secrets here? I’d trusted Annette with my life, and right now, it felt like she didn’t trust me in return. Not fully.
Now we had Annette’s blessing to discuss that big fat secret between us.
Which quite possibly also included Annette’s blessing for us as a couple too. If only her endorsement hadn’t come at just the moment I feared Russell and I might not have a future after all following this “little talk.”
He wasn’t driving his Chevy tonight. Instead, he sat behind the wheel of a station wagon I’d seen in the shop at his family’s gas station. The vehicle all but hollered domesticity, even sporting a high school bumper sticker. A truck with one headlight out swooped past. Then two motorcycles. Those who knew us would guess rightly that the car came from his family’s gas station. And those who didn’t recognize us would assume we were a couple.
Right now, I had no idea what we were. The only thing I knew for sure? Russell’s lies of omission hurt worst of all. Maybe that was hypocritical of me to think, given that I hadn’t told him about my identity prior to Bent Oak. But I thought I’d been protecting him by not speaking.
Russell cast a sideways look my way, his arm draped along the back of the seat as he powered down the two-lane country road. “According to Granny,” he said, his fingers threading through my hair to stroke my neck, “it’s time for us to quit dancing around how much the other knows about her operation.”
Another pinch of betrayal made me wince. He was talking now only because of his grandmother’s permission. I wanted to shout at him, to rage, all reactions I knew to be unhealthy and wrong. Especially at a time when I couldn’t bear to have another man label me an out-of-control, crazy female with over-the-top emotions. Truth be told, wouldn’t anyone get a little loud if they weren’t listened to for years?
“That’s pretty much what she told me.” I eased my head away and picked at the fraying hem of my jean cutoffs. I’d hacked these myself after busting a hole in the knee. Given I used to spend a small fortune on a similar look in my past life, I was quite proud of the end result. “You’ll have to pardon me if I’m slow on the uptake right now. My head’s still reeling. Is your whole NASCAR gig some kind of elaborate plot for you to travel in support of your grandmother?”
So much for words being stuck in my throat. The floodgates had been opened, and my bitter accusations had spilled out. At least I wasn’t shouting.
“The pit crew job is real,” he said tightly. “As is my NASCAR dream. The truck driving for the mill, however, gives me a reasonable cover to help out where I can.”
Processing that snippet, I hooked my elbow on the open window, sucking in drags of muggy night air in hopes of clearing my spinning head and strengthening my resolve. More than anything, I wanted the joy and excitement of his arms around me, but I needed answers. I thought of all the times I assumed Russell was wrung out from a long haul for the mill, but I could see now it was more than just the extended hours. His journey, the mission, had taken an emotional toll.
I cared so deeply for this man, and he’d vowed the same to me. Yet we’d kept such a wall between us, one we were only now scaling becauseAnnette made us. How much longer would we have held our secrets? Forever? No. Because there wouldn’t have been a forever for us under the weight of such deception. “All this time, you knew I wasn’t just the average new girl in town, and you never even hinted.”
He stayed silent for so long I thought he wasn’t going to answer. Then I realized he was just searching for a wide-enough shoulder on the side of the road where he could pull off without sliding into a ditch. Finding a safe patch of dirt, he put the station wagon in park and turned to me.
“There’s nothing average about you.” I couldn’t miss the intensity in his words as he toyed with a lock of my hair. He didn’t touch me again, yet the strand still made a whispery link between us. “To answer your question: Yes, I knew something bad must have happened to you before you arrived. I don’t know the specifics. Granny has a strict code about not sharing anyone’s past, and out of respect for her, I honor that. I’m still stunned she okayed our conversation tonight.”
I closed my eyes as a tidal wave of relief threatened to swallow me. I hadn’t realized until that moment how deep down I’d hurt at the possibility Annette might have shared about Eloise Carlisle Curtis. The betrayal would have been more than my scarred heart could take.
Although it sure would have been nice if she’d arranged for this little conversation a while back. “If you suspected, why haven’t you asked me before now?”
“That decision had to be yours and yours alone. Granny understands that too, although I have a strong feeling that by putting us in this station wagon together, she’s hoping you’ll tell me the rest on your own.”
His eyes were so intent on mine, hopeful and wary in equal measure. Something in his expression brought home all the secrets I’d kept from him too. Some of my anger at him seeped away.
Now that the time had come to spill my truth, I struggled with where to begin. There were a million things I needed to tell him. Important things. Like about my miscarriages and my stillborndaughter. My parents. The time in the hospital. Except I needed to start with the most important.
“Russell, back in my other life, before I moved to Bent Oak, I was married to another man. A man who betrayed me in so many unimaginable ways.” Even saying this much out loud for the first time in eight years made my chest go so tight with anxiety, I feared my ribs might crack. Then I looked into Russell’s golden-brown eyes and sawhim, seeingme. Noticing me. Knowing me. Valuing who I was deep down inside even as I sat there in jean shorts cut off all unevenly. This man was more than I could have dreamed I wanted and needed. “But, please know, that in spite of all the ways my husband tried to crush my spirit, I am completely, hopelessly in love withyou.”
Chapter Fourteen
2025
Bailey Rae hugged the porch post, watching Martin drive away from the cabin, lightning bugs speckling the night. Their parting had left her feeling hollow. More than it should for someone so new in her life. Still, she couldn’t remember when she’d felt so alone.
Which was ridiculous, really.
