Page 46 of Lightning in a Mason Jar
With Russell, I felt seen. Such a simple thing. But to me, it was everything after Phillip’s brutal dismissal. The way he’d used his connections in the medical world to have me committed against my will. How he’d cut me off from all contact with anyone except him, while making himself sole executor of the inheritance from my parents. Memories of finding all those magazine articles with him out with other women while I stayed locked away. Abandoned. Gaslit. With no legal recourse.
Which made it hurt all the more that I struggled to see a way forward with Russell. Because he deserved to be seen as well, all of him, his hopes and dreams. “Thanks for the coffee. I don’t want to keep you from your job.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call out of work?”
“Please, don’t do that on my account. I have the rest of the day off to sit with Annette.” We had plenty to talk about anyway. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
I arched up on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. Then froze. What had I just done? How could I think of setting him free one moment, then an instant later bring us closer?
Pivoting away before I did something even more reckless, I raced toward Annette’s room, tossing my empty cup in a trash can on my waypast. I couldn’t afford a misstep. Thea’s arrival had reminded me more than ever of my tenuous position in life. Most of all, how isolated this reframed existence could be, unable to open up fully because of secrets. Except with Annette.
Right now, the last thing Annette needed was the stress of my confusion. I should focus first and foremost on the importance of the task she had given me. And my feelings for Russell? How the past shredded my ability to trust my own judgment?
I would sift through those later, in the quiet of my boardinghouse room. Small, but it was my space. Where I controlled my life.
I used the ten minutes waiting outside Annette’s door to file away my jumbled emotions and focus on my mentor. Once the doctor ducked back into the hallway, his curt nod offered little indication of her condition. Much how Phillip—the all-powerful physician—so often dismissed me.
Teeth clenched, I reminded myself Phillip wasn’t here. He was off making some other poor woman’s life miserable.
“Hello,” I called through the door, tapping two knuckles on the panel. “It’s me.”
“Come on in,” Annette called out.
I let myself indulge hopeful thoughts that she sounded stronger today. I tucked inside and closed the door behind me so that we could talk freely. Although the sight of her in a hospital gown gave me pause.
She didn’t even raise the head of the bed as she motioned me closer. “Catch me up on how things went at the library.”
The other bed in the semiprivate room was empty.
Still, I kept my voice low. “All went well yesterday, and our ‘guest’ is settled. Being on this side of things, seeing the impact, I want to be you when I grow up.”
“Now that’s a first,” Annette said, smiling, fanning laugh lines that seemed deeper than before. Proof of her mortality beeped from the monitor beside her bed. “Well done, my dear. I look forward to hearing all about it.”
I dragged a chair as close to the bedrail as I could get to minimize the chance of anyone hearing. Also, to clasp Annette’s hand because I needed that connection, to feel the reassurance of her alive and warm.
Sparing no details, I reviewed Thea’s intake, including the bit about the secret code and my caution. Annette’s nods of approval made me feel like a child winning a parent’s endorsement. Better, in fact, than all the first prizes I’d won as a child in art competitions.
Out of breath as I finished my recap, I sagged back in the chair, inordinately proud of myself, almost managing to forget where I was and Annette’s health scare. “Is there anything else you need for me to follow up on?”
“Nothing that I can think of right now. Best to keep things low key after a success like this. I knew I could count on you.” Annette adjusted the bleached hospital sheets before leveling a somber stare. “Although to be clear, I’m still not okay with you and my grandson being together.”
Her words shocked me, like a slap across the face. And also confused me. She didn’t approve of me? “Then why did you trust me with ... what I did yesterday?”
Her weary sigh seemed to deflate her under the sterile covers. “Because I’m getting old, and my work here is too important to let it die with me. I need you to step in.”
Again, Annette surprised me silent, even as I stung from her reproof. I must have misheard. “Annette, I’m confused. You’ve warned me away from Russell in one breath, then suggested this huge responsibility should be mine. May I ask why you disapprove? Is it because ...”
“Of the color of your skin,” she said simply.
I had feared that, even if I hadn’t been able to say as much. It was tough finding the right words that wouldn’t offend—or more importantly, words that wouldn’t hurt. I hadn’t grown up in a family thattalked about race. We discussed classical literature, Broadway plays, and overseas travel. But we never discussed this, a subject that mattered so much more.
Annette squeezed my hand. “I want what’s best for you. And what’s best for my grandson.” She rubbed her other hand along her collarbone, weariness stamped on her lined face. “I’ve seen a lot of change in my life. I was born in a house with no electricity or indoor plumbing. It wasn’t a matter of poverty. That’s just how most folks lived in rural South Carolina.”
She drew in a few drags off the oxygen tube at her nose. “My daddy farmed, and we had plenty to eat. I recall riding horseback, swimming in the river, reading every book I could get my hands on. But I also remember sitting in the back of the bus, drinking from a different water fountain, and taking my grandson to first grade in a segregated school.”
“But things are changing.” The sentence felt inadequate on my tongue. “Aren’t they?”
“Yes, things are changing, but not nearly fast enough. Just like I want you safe from the past that hurt you ...” The heart monitor’s beeps increased, along with the fire in her eyes. “I need my grandson to stay safe from people in the present who would still do him harm for looking at you the way he does.”
