My shoulders slump, my eyes locked on Jack’s back as he and the dickhead guy emerge from the crowd on the opposite side of the dance floor.
I guess I should care that my on-again girlfriend is making a play for another guy right under my nose.
But as Jack and his fuck buddy head out the front door of the bar, only one thought assaults my brain.
I wish it was me.
NINE
jack
It takeseverything in me to not look back at Carter, not look back at Sam or the guys.
I grit my teeth, squaring my shoulders as I walk out the door to Electric Lunch with what’s his name behind me.
I didn’t belong there anyway.
Everyone back in that bar has a life, things to look forward to, people who love them.
Families, spouses, significant others.
Vacations, weddings, holidays.
The people I just left behind aren’t defined by what they do, what they can win, how much they can earn.
Unlike me whose value is equivalent to how many goals I can score within three periods.
I’ve never had anything beyond hockey and the endorsements I’ve picked up along the way.
I came close with Sam once but fucked it up royally because I didn’t understand true connection. I mistook intimacy for sex and wasn’t ever able to fill the void in my heart and soul.
Howcould I?
Abandoned by my mother when I was only six years old, detested by my abusive father until the day he kicked me out of my shithole house for being gay.
I never felt security or happiness. I never knew love.
When Sam first said those words to me, I didn’t know how to accept them.
I didn’t feel worthy of his love.
I don’t see how I ever could.
When my own parents didn’t love me, how the hell could anyone else?
After Sam, I made sure I didn’t give anyone else the chance to get close enough to say them again. I missed him when we broke up, but I know now it was because he gave me a false sense of security and comfort. He took care of me, made me feel protected, things I’d never experienced before.
I stupidly thought that was love, then learned fast it was just me grasping at something normal. Since I had nothing to offer Sam in return, it wasn’t a shock that he pulled away. I thought I’d be okay on my own, but after that taste of what life could be like, I craved it again from the one person I knew could give it to me.
But he’d already doled it out to someone else.
I think that’s why I hated Brixton so much when I first got back to California. Brixton was a hot fucking mess when they first met and Sam was a fixer.
I think it’s why Sam and I started up in the first place. He just sensed the dysfunction in me even though I never fully let him in on all the dirty laundry packed tight in my baggage. I hid that pretty damn well.
Still hiding it now.
But he wasn’t satisfied with the fun version of me who loved the limelight. He wanted more. Substance. Commitment. A future.
