Page 17 of The Mistake
He keeps telling himself this is just a temporary thing, and every time he leaves Vanessa’s flat, he walks away hating himself, hoping Natalie is asleep when he gets in so he can shower away the smell of another woman before she notices. Each time it happens, he tells himself that this time is the last time, but when Vanessa appears in his office doorway long after the other lads have left for the night, smiling at him with those crimson lips, as though she’s actually pleased to see him, he has to ask himself why he is really working so late. If Pete is honest, it’s not just the lure of Vanessa’s body and what she can do with her mouth that has him so drawn in. It’s the way she lets him talk with no judgement – without jumping in with her own version of events, the way Natalie does. It’s the way she’s familiar, but different. Exciting. And the flat – it’s a completely different vibe to Pete’s own house. At home, chaos reigns. Natalie doesn’t seem to do anything around the house while he’s gone all day, and he regularly comes home to mountains of unwashed dishes while the dishwasher sits unemptied, the kids’ shoes and bags dumped in the hallway and piles of washing that either need to be washed, folded or put away. Here, Vanessa’s flat is tidy and clutter-free, with plants lining every windowsill. The only trinkets she has are items she’s collected on her travels, like statues of Ganesha and Buddha, and there is always the faint clean scent of an expensive air freshener. Pete feels as though he can relax here, among the soft white covers of Vanessa’s bed, with no hint of baby sick or that stale sour smell he catches from Natalie sometimes.
And then, if he’s really digging deep into the honesty box, there’s the thrill of it. There’s a part of him that enjoys the heart-thumping, spine-tingling blast he gets from his illicit meetings with Vanessa, a sharp, dizzying contrast to the drudgery of his everyday life. The other night, Eve had mentioned the gastropub where he and Vanessa had had drinks at the leaving do in conversation with Natalie, catching his eye as she mentioned it, and for a moment he had thought his heart would stop in his chest. He’d waited for her to say something else, something damning, with his pulse a crashing tattoo in his ears, but she’d moved on to some fallout she’d had with a friend, and he’d had to resist the urge to say, ‘another one bites the dust.’ It seems only his wife can tolerate Eve for longer than a few months. But even that brief moment of fear had given him some sort of sickening charge, and it wasn’t enough to stop him coming back to Vanessa for more.
‘Pete? Red or white?’ Vanessa calls from the kitchen, where she’s fixing post-coital snacks and drinks.
‘Either. Just one glass, though, I have to drive back soon.’ Pete knows Vanessa will try and pour him an extra glass in an attempt to make him stay longer, something he finds flattering every time, even though he never stays for the whole night. Vanessa has made noises once or twice about how nice it would be for them to wake up together, but Pete has gently reminded her it simply can’t happen.
Lying back against the thick pillows, Pete lets himself wonder about how things would be if Natalie hadn’t got pregnant. He doesn’t think he’d be lying here, that’s for sure. They would have gone to Australia for Christmas, and his mum would have been able to see Zadie and Emily face to face, instead of just over a glitchy FaceTime call. He and Natalie would have ventured out to the other side of the bay where the plot of land sits; they would have walked around it, Pete gesturing to show where the house would sit, where the garden boundary would lie. He would have sketched out a pool area, a play area and a patio for Natalie tosit and read in the summer. As it is, Pete had an email from his brother this morning to say the plot has been sold, and as he read it he could almost feel his dream slipping through his fingers like sand. Pete feels a sickening lurch of resentment, and before he can bat it away, the thought rises in his mind.If Natalie hadn’t got pregnant, none of this would be happening.If Erin wasn’t here, they could be living their dream. Pete would be drawing up plans for the new house now. Natalie would be her usual bright, funny self, and he wouldn’t be here, in his ex-girlfriend’s bed, feeling sick and guilty. He reaches for the water glass beside the bed, trying to wash away the bitterness of his own thoughts.
‘Here we are.’ Vanessa appears in the doorway, wearing the kind of underwear that Natalie rejected years ago, carrying a tray with expensive Parma ham and cheeses, two glasses and a bottle of cold white wine. ‘I hope you’re hungry.’ She places the tray on the bedside table and opens the wine, pouring him a generous glass.
Pete takes the wine and shuffles up the bed, making room for Vanessa as she slides in beside him.
‘I was thinking,’ she says, ‘we could maybe take a trip to Whitstable now the weather is getting a little nicer. Maybe go out for some oysters, get a hotel … You could tell Natalie there’s a conference.’ She nuzzles against him, but Pete doesn’t react. ‘What do you think? Pete?’
‘Hmmm?’ Pete drags himself out of his own thoughts, aware that he’s not heard a word she’s said.
‘You’re in your own little world. What’s wrong?’
‘Just thinking.’
‘Oh?’
‘About Australia. I wish we could have gone out for Christmas but … You know. I just feel a bit low about it all. I was so excited to have bought the tickets, and then …’ He trails off. Although he tells Vanessa how he feels about things, he’s still reluctant to call Natalie by her name in front of his mistress.
‘Do you ever wonder what it would have been like?’ Vanessa traces a pattern over his bare thigh with one finger.
‘What do you mean?’ Pete shifts his leg, dislodging her hand.
Vanessa shrugs, pulling herself back into a sitting position. ‘Just … do you ever think about how things might have been if we hadn’t broken up?’
‘Ness, we were kids.’
‘I know,’ she says. ‘But I wonder about it, don’t you? I still don’t think I would have wanted children. I would have been happy enough for it to just be me and you. We could have travelled together, seen the world a bit. Maybe we both would have been happier.’
‘Happier? Vanessa, I …’
Vanessa turns to face him, her brows drawn together in a frown, ‘You’re not happy, Pete, I know you’re not. You come here and tell me several times a week you’re not happy, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Life’s too short to wonder about all the what ifs. All I’m saying is, if things had been different, if it were me and you, we could pack a bag and go to Australia tomorrow.’
‘But things aren’t different. So—’
‘They could be.’ Vanessa’s voice is barely above a whisper. ‘It could be me and you.’
‘Me and you?’ Pete frowns. ‘Sorry, Ness. What exactly are you saying?’
Vanessa turns to the bedside table and takes a mouthful of wine before she turns back on to her side to face him, her hair falling over one shoulder. ‘What I’m saying, Pete, is that maybe it’s time to be honest about what you really want.’
‘Vanessa—’ Pete feels a pang of alarm, his stomach sinking.
‘Pete, please just let me talk. I need to tell you something.’ She is hesitant, her fingers knotting in the duvet as she takes a deep breath. ‘Oh God, I wasn’t going to say it, but … The fact is, I’m in love with you. I think I always have been, ever since we were kids.’ As she raises her eyes to his, a tear spills over one cheek. ‘I knowit’s wrong – everything about this is wrong. I know you’re married, and I know this whole thing is going to end up being painful for everyone … but after everything you’ve told me, I can’t help thinking you would be so much happier if you left Natalie. You would be so much happier withme. We want the same things. We laughallthe time, we have a shared history … and I know it’ll be tough on Natalie and the kids, but I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier. Pete, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. And I wish I didn’t, but I can’t help the way I feel.’
Pete feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. Shock makes his teeth feel numb, his tongue too big for his mouth as he fumbles for something to say.
‘Vanessa …’ He swallows. This wasn’t the deal, and he thought she knew that. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, thrilling and exciting. Something to lighten the load he had to bear at home. A slip back into the way things used to be, before kids and mortgages and a wife who couldn’t stand to even look at him, and he thought Vanessa felt the same way. ‘Look, you know things aren’t that simple. I have a family, a whole life—’
‘I know that, I know.’ Vanessa’s voice is thick, and Pete prays she isn’t going to cry. ‘I can’t help how I feel! I thought I could just have some fun, but it turns out …’ She shrugs, looking defeated. ‘I can’t. This is more to me than just a fling, Pete.’ Vanessa slides from the bed, pulling a silky kimono around her shoulders.
Fuck.All Pete can feel is panic, buzzing through his veins. This wasn’t meant to happen. ‘This is … Look, you know I think you’re great, and we have got history together, you’re right, but this isn’t a long-term thing, I thought you knew that.’
