Smitty’s still hanging out in the player lounge, looking at his phone. Probably looking at Instagram images of that pop singer he smashed at the All-Star game. He’s been obsessed with her ever since. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and lean against the counter as I chug it.
He glances up at me. Takes in my expression. Looks back down at his phone.
I trudge over to one of the couches and sit.
“Everything okay?” Smitty asks.
“What do you think?” I lift the water bottle to my lips again.
“Is that a serious question? Or rhetorical?”
“It was rhetorical. You don’t need to answer. Everything is not okay.”
He gives me a sympathetic look.
“What happened to my life?” I lean my head back and close my eyes. “Everything was going according to plan.”
“Life doesn’t always go like we plan.”
“I know.” I exhale a sigh. “But I want it to. I like having a plan.”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t want kids. I like living my life just the way I want it. Free. My only responsibilities were to me and the team.”
He grunts enigmatically and I lower my chin to peer at him. “What?”
“That sounds like a selfish existence.”
“Iamselfish.”
“No, you’re not.”
I squint at him again. “Have you met me?”
He almost smiles. “Yeah. Okay, when you’re single and committed to your career, you can be self-centered.”
“See?”
“But that’s not the same as selfish.”
I squint at him. “What?”
“Selfish means…” He pauses, thinking. “You make your needs a priority over everyone else’s.”
I nod. “That’s what I do.”
“Is it though? Self-centered is more like being preoccupied with your own needs and wants but you can still care about other people. When you’re single and alone, of course you’re self-centered. There’s nobody else to care about. But when you’re selfish, you pursue your own goals at the expense of others.”
I still think the hockey skate fits. But I let that roll around in my tired brain.
So he’s saying… when I’m alone it’s okay to be self-centered because it’s not hurting anyone else. Maybe? But when I’m not alone… which I no longer am, thanks to Tilly showing up… pursuing my goals at her expense is selfish. Is that what I’ve been doing?
I haven’t exactly been pursuing my goal since she arrived. I’ve given up taekwondo, meditation sessions, time with my friends. A clean home. Ha. An orderly schedule. Sleep.
Dammit, I miss sleep.
I don’t like it, but I’ve done it. Because… because she’s my daughter and I have no choice.
