Page 117 of Fumble Into the End Zone
We sat yet again in a silent pause.
“Have you grieved the losses in your life? My intuition tells me you picked up whatever responsibility they left vacant and kept moving. After your father died, you tried taking care of your mother. You took on being a single father and picked up your grandfather’s vacancy. The weight could be grief. After the season, would you be interested in grief counseling?”
Dr. Choice was right. I can’t recall crying at anybody’s funeral. When my mom couldn’t function, I broke into people’s houses to pay the rent. It landed me in juvie and then I was placed at my grandparents’ house. I picked Harley up from the hospital and tried to learn how to be a father. After my grandfather died, I talked to the coaching staff at Ohio and they gave me family housing to move Granny with me. Damn, I didn’t have time to cry or wallow?
“Do you think it will benefit me?” I asked.
Dr. Choice tried to keep a neutral face, but his eyes said yes. “The question is, do you think it will help you? What I know about grief and abandonment is it will show up in your life if not addressed. It’s already showing now. Are you second guessing giving the game your all and fully enjoying the Elite Bowl because of fear of loss? Are you telling yourself you don’t deserve the good things happening to you?”
I leaned forward, placing my hands on my knees because he was on target. To be honest, I hadn’t put the time into film study, using Mia and the babies as an excuse. I’d smothered her and Granny.
“Yea,” I answered as I sat back.
“Marcus, no matter how successful you are, you have no control over life’s milestones, including death. You could lose the championship game and Elite Bowl, and it wouldn’t stop death, disappointment or someone leaving. But you can honor those you lost by being the best version of you. Remember, you have a family who is invested into your wellbeing,” he said.
We sat in silence as I tried to come to terms with the lies I told myself. Somewhere on this journey, I blamed myself for things I couldn’t control. Listening to Dr. Choice breaking things down made my beliefs sound… silly. I guess I needed to find out why it’s easy for me to absorb the responsibility for life’s terms.
Standing in the tunnel, I tried to refocus my thinking on the playbook. I spent one-half the night monitoring Mia’s GPS, making sure she kept her ass at home. The second half, I focused on the film of the two corners guarding me today. Cleveland had turned their season around and went on one hell of a playoff run. With us going undefeated, we had the first-round bye in the postseason. The fans were louder than any other game before they shook the tunnel.
Standing next to Bryce, I could tell he was getting into the zone. With his hands cuffed underneath his neck, he was going through plays. My core trembled with excitement from the fans and the big stage. All week, the media had focused on me being a rookie, saying our offense was inexperienced.
Once Bryce lifted his head, I gave him the side-eye. “Am I uncle or what?” I asked.
He turned to me and chuckled. “You stay in my business,” he said.
“I’m waiting for the answer. Speaking of which, did you find out how Kindness was related to Mr. Jordan?” I questioned.
With his helmet on, I couldn’t read his facial expression. Bryce had a tell when he lied, his eye twitches. He knew something because he didn’t stay in the hotel with the team last night. When I called him after I signed to Love and Kindness Inc, he didn’t react how I imagined.
“Are you ready to tell me how Mia got you fucking for touchdowns? What did she promise you this time?” he said.
I chuckled at his comment because she promised me nothing. With her being pregnant, I’m sure our sex life would slow down.
“Mia and I are the godparents, is what you saying?” I questioned.
“If I was having a baby, what makes you think I’ll name you as the godfather?” he questions.
I covered my heart. “I’m the only friend you have,” I said.
“No, you’re my brother,” he said and extended his hand.
The gesture alone caused me to slap hands with him.
“All right, cupcakes. Y’all know what time it is. I was talking big shit on social media because I know y’all gon’ back it up. We are going to the Elite Bowl, but we have to make a pit stop at Cleveland. Fuck the underdog, we the big dog,” Ed, our safety, said as we huddled in the middle.
The defense started barking and howling and I loosened my shoulders, focused on the game.
On the fourth play of the game, Bryce and I both saw the high safety. We both knew I had him beat on their forty.
“Apple pie and cornbread at Janet’s house. Hike,” Bryce said.
I blew past the corner without any contest from him and looked over my shoulder. Bryce fired the ball in the air and before the safety could help, I was already in the end zone.
We ran into the locker room with confetti on our uniforms. The champagne and goggles sat on the table. I snatched one of everything, excited. After leaving Dr. Choice’s office, I told myself to be in the moment. A few of the team members had already sprayed champagne bottles, wetting my jersey. I scanned the room for Bryce and I noticed he was sitting at his locker, holding his phone. Snatching a pair of goggles from the table, I made my way to him.
“Bryce, man, we’re going to the Elite Bowl, and you’re sad. Get yo ass up. Do you know what this means to me? I’m going to the big game my first year.”
He stood up and pulled on a pair of goggles and we let a bottle of champagne go in the air.
