Page 24 of Confessions of Pain
If I allowed it, his words would be like a drug to me. I wouldn’t allow it, though. Icouldn’t.
“Sure it was,” I sneered as I closed the small gap that was left between us. My hands wrapped around each of his ankles, and I yanked him to the edge of the bed. “Just me and you together forever, right? Isn’t that the shit you used to say to me?” I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, the picture you painted for me with all those sweet words and come-hither looks didn’t turn out to be near as rosy as you had me believing it was going to be.” Starbursts of pain flashed inside my head as memory after memory assaulted me. All the ways he’d told me he loved me. All the ways he’d shown me he loved me. The love I could have sworn had been in his eyes when we were teenagers was still there, right now, as he gazed up at me.
“Tell me right now if you don’t want this,angel,” I spat the endearment just so Kelsey wouldn’t suspect that I still meant it, that I still wanted him to be my angel.Mine. He was always supposed to have been mine.
“Tell me, because I sure the hell don’t want to take something that you aren’t willingly giving me. Again,” I mocked.
He frowned and looked up at me for several long seconds while I held my breath and hoped there would be something he could say, some believable lie that could justify the pain he’d caused me with his lie.Say something. Anything. Tell me why you did it. Make all my pain go away. Make me believe in myself the way you used to.
Instead of magic words that could soothe my soul, he said, “I want this.”
A part of me shattered. Another part of me drew strength from that very heartbreak and used its power over me to continue. “Put your hands behind your knees and pull your legs up,” I ordered. “Spread yourself nice and wide. Show me what I’ve been missing, Kels. Try to make me remember why I ever thought I loved you.”
Pain flickered through his blue eyes and he tucked his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down. It looked like he was trying to gather the courage to continue down a path we’d both regret. Hell, I was already regretting it. Hurting Kelsey, even with words, went against every fiber of my being so I waged an internal war of my own. The logical side of me still screamed for me to run away from him. I closed my eyes and begged for the strength to obey.
“Take whatever you want, Gabriel. Do whatever you want to me,” he finally said in that soft voice that had always held the magical power to make me bend to his will.
When I opened my eyes again, he was still there but, just like I had ordered, he had lifted his legs upward and held himself open and on display for me. His thighs rested against his chest. His lashes rested against his cheeks. The wet trail of a tear stood out starkly against his skin. Hatred, pure and undiluted, flowed through my blood, but it was hatred for myself, not Kelsey.
“Do it, Gabriel. Punish me for what I did to you…what I said about you. I deserve it. I’ve waited ten fucking years to pay for that crime. Just…just do it.”
I jerked back, once again putting distance between us.What the fuck was I doing?What the fuck was he about to let me do?
Don’t believe him. Don’t fall for it. He’s just pushing your buttons, because he knows which ones to push. He’s probably trying to trick you into doing something so he can scream rape again.
I took another step backward. Anger flashed in his eyes and his feet hit the floor.
“What? I’m not good enough for you now? Is that it? Nah, it’s not that, is it? You came here to hurt me…to make me pay for hurting you, but you’re finding you don’t have the stomach for it after all. You were always too kind-hearted for your own good, Gabriel. Being cruel isn’t in your nature.”
I snorted, disgusted that he believed I wasn’t strong enough to hurt him…disgusted that he was right.
Angry at both of us, I said, “No, Kels, I simply decided I didn’t want you after all, but since you think I’m such a softie, let me see if I can come up with something nice to say about you. Hmmmm…your kissing has improved…somewhat. While you might not be the best kisser I’ve ever tasted, at least you’re better than you were when we were kids. You tried so hard back then,” I said with a cruel chuckle. “It was cute for a while, watching you try to become a man when you were nothing more than a rich boy who lacked any experience or skill, but cuteness can’t entertain a man forever.” I snorted. “Thank goodness I got out when I did.”
My goal was to hurt him and I’d clearly succeeded. I watched as a look of utter devastation swept over his features, transforming him from something beautiful into something damaged…broken. For a minute, I thought he was going to cry more of those silent tears that had leaked from his eyes earlier. His bottom lip quivered slightly, his eyes looked glassy with moisture, and his entire body literally trembled before he was able to pull himself back together. His body language told me the exact moment that he’d won the battle over his emotions.
When he looked up at me again, his eyes were flat and dead with no emotions visible at all. There was simply nothing there. Empty. Lost. I hated myself and I hated him. Why had I said those things? They weren’t true, I didn’t mean them. Remembering his kisses had kept me alive when all I wanted to do was die. Even knowing what he’d done to me, he’d been the sole ray of sunshine in my shit life.
“Yeah, thank goodness,” he answered in a voice as flat as his eyes. “You always said you would get out of this town, I just never thought I’d hear about it from my brother.”
“Life’s been full of disappointments for both of us, kiddo. Knowing Wayne, I doubt he was gentle with the news that I’d gotten away before you could suck me into your web of lies.” I had tunnel vision. I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to hurt him, but it was causingmepain. I needed to run away, but all I wanted was to stay with him.
Finally, I said what I’d initially come there to say. “The employees need you, Kelsey. I don’t, they do.”
With that final dig, I turned and strode out of the room, never looking back because I knew that if I did, I would go back to him and beg him to forgive me for what I’d said to him. I’d made it halfway down the hall when I looked up and saw Evie blocking the front door. She was dressed and standing there, arms crossed over her chest and legs spread wide apart like she was ready to rumble. A look of pure hatred glittered in her eyes as she watched my approach. I wasn’t sure what she was to Kelsey, but she left no doubts at all what she was to me—my enemy. I kept walking, never slowing my pace, in hopes that she would be the one to cave-in our little battle of chicken, but I should have known better. I wouldn’t get so lucky. No, she stood there, tall and quivering with fury, until we were nose to nose.
“You’re in my way,” I told her. “Move.”
Her eyes narrowed into scary little slits. She was tall for a woman, as tall as Kelsey, and I could easily see she was nothing but pure lean muscle. “Jax will beat the shit out of you for that, Gabriel Maverick. Be ready for it, because he’s going to make you pay for treating Kelsey that way.”
I smiled. Another man, I could handle. This woman? Not so much. “Tell him to bring it on,” I whispered to her and then laughed softly. “And while I don’t think Kelsey’s worth it, be sure this mysterious Jax understands that I can give as good as I get.”
“You’re wrong, you know,” she countered quietly.
“Trust me, doll. I can handle Kelsey’s Jax without any problems.”
“Maybe,” she said with a shrug. “But that’s not what you’re wrong about. Kelseyisworth it.”
****
