We were both in the same boat because emotions were not always the easiest things for me to deal with, and I had a whole lot of them right now. “Well.” I chose my words carefully. “What I said earlier, I meant. I have fallen in love with you, and I understand it was quick, but you just wiggled into my heart.” He gave me a brilliant smile, making a lump in my throat. I knew he hadn’t said it back, but that was okay.
“I like that a lot, West.” I took his hand and kissed his knuckles.
“The term boyfriend seems to come up a lot in my head. I thought maybe we could start there.” I knew committing like that was a big thing, but I wanted it more than anything.
He nodded enthusiastically, “I want that. Yes, I’d love that.” Relief flooded through me, and another piece slipped into place inside me. I looked over at Earl, whose entire face and chest were covered in blueberry cheesecake. I couldn’t stop the snort that came out of me.
Tyler looked over. “Damn it Earl.” He grabbed the cheesecake and the dragon and walked into the other room. He returned with Earl, who was on his back, enjoying the attention as Tyler wiped him clean. The look Tyler gave him was adoration; even though the little guy was a menace, they had a lot of love.
When Tyler sat back down, he was closer to me than when he had stood up. His presence brought me comfort, and the fact that he chose to be near me gave me hope. “Sorry. Even though he doesn’t overeat, I prefer he not wear his food. Go ahead and finish what you were saying. It was something about me being amazing.” His gentle teasing made me further relax.
“One of the things that I need from you, and actually the only thing I need from you, is that you deal with your trauma by getting some mental health care. Otherwise, I think you are perfect just how you are.”
He sighed. “I think you are right. I’ve let this hold me back too long, and if I want a husband, a dragon, cats, and a slightly quirky family, then I need to take care of myself better.”
He looked up at me, and it felt like a stab to my heart. I realized everything he had hidden wasn’t going back in the box now. We would have to deal with everything head-on to advance our relationship. I hated that he had this burden all these years and never found a way to get out from under the pain.
Now I understood why he had been so cautious about dating, and it gave me clarity, but it didn’t change how I felt about him. There was one more thing, though. “Tyler. I don’t know if anybody has ever said this before, but I am really sorry that youwent through that. You were a child and should have been loved. I want to punch all of them in the throat for you if that helps.”
He looked at me again, and I could see his eyes fill with tears before he started to sob again. I pulled him onto my lap, and I suspected we would be doing a lot of that if we moved forward—I really hoped we moved forward.
Larry crawled up on my lap, and I held all three of them; half of my family was curled up with me. My hand rested on both small animals, and Tyler’s head rested on my shoulder. While we sat there, I reviewed the words he had said earlier, and it sounded like he wanted us to be a family.
I don’t know how long we sat there, but Tyler moved Larry and walked out of the room without saying anything. Unable to decide what to do, I just sat there. Earl rearranged himself, rubbed on my jaw and neck, then cuddled in with Larry. It took all of my will to not get up and follow Tyler to the other room, but I could hear him, and it sounded like he was looking for something. My hands on Earl and Larry, I relaxed and waited.
When Tyler returned, he held what looked like a journal. He handed it to me, then went to the other end of the couch, grabbed a blanket, and curled up. “I want you to read it. Not from cover to cover, but that is from when I was in there, and you need to know who I am. Then see if you can still love me.”
Opening the journal carefully, I saw his neat cursive writing, page after page. I picked a random page and started to read.
I’ve been here three weeks. What he did to me today wasn’t so bad. They say that because I am gay, it’s what I deserve. Him fucking me is driving the devil from me, and this is the only way for him to do it. It confuses me because his actions are exactly what they say make me an abomination. Ithurts, but I’m getting used to it, and the assaults are happening to most of the other guys, too. At least I didn’t scream this time, which meant I got to eat. I can’t believe god would allow this. There is nothing wrong with me. I am sure someone will see that soon.
Bile rose in my stomach. How could they do such a thing? He was a child. Tears started to force themselves forward, and he shook his head when I dared to look over. I picked another page further from what I had read a moment ago. This was closer to the middle of the journal. I read a paragraph.
I’ve tried so hard to change, but I know inside who I really am. The only way out of here is to lie. This seems exactly opposite of what I am being told that ‘god’ wants. My counselor is still using my body while claiming he is doing it for my own good. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t even feel anything anymore. My family sent me here, and I never thought they could hate me so much.
Unable to continue reading, I threw the book down and walked out the front door. In the front seat of my car, I screamed, slammed my hands on the steering wheel until they ached, then I cried, and vowed I would do anything I could to help Tyler. Then I promised to do everything I could to ensure nothing like this happened to another kid. Sharing his journals was effective. I had only seen the tip of the iceberg regarding the damage Tyler was living with. Screaming more, I was unable toeven take the edge off my pain and my anger at what Tyler went through. How would I help him? Could I help him?
I leaned forward, I closed my eyes, and rested my head between my hands on the steering wheel. Everything inside of me ached. I think I broke something in my hand, but inside there was a glow that I knew was my love for Tyler, and no matter what, I would be right beside him if he wanted me. We would figure out how to help him together, but I didn’t even know if he wanted me. Tyler hadn’t even trusted me when he overheard a phone call. It may just be too much for him, which would kill me, but I would still help him to heal if I could.
I cried, screamed, and hit my dashboard for who knew how long, and when I was utterly exhausted, I got ready to head inside. My hand was bruised and swollen, but my heart was full, and I knew from here forward I would protect Tyler as much as he would let me.
Chapter nineteen
TYLER
I couldn’t see the front door through my tears. I hadn’t stopped staring at it because it was where West had walked out about twenty minutes earlier. Everything inside of me was numb because he had left me. When we came inside earlier, it felt like we would be going forward, but he needed to understand because everything about my past would shape my future. He read some of my journal, and he left.
Unable to think about doing much other than keeping myself from falling apart, I closed my eyes and pet Larry, the soothing sound of his purr kept me grounded, while Earl curled around my neck.
My heart jumped when I heard the front door open, and West walked back inside. Our eyes locked, and he gave a slight smile. He turned off the porch light and the light in the entry, then locked the front door before kneeling in front of me.
“Hey. I’m sorry I walked out. I needed a few minutes to feel my feelings, and you didn’t need to see me like that.” He was holding his hand carefully. There was a dark bruise along the side thatwasn’t there earlier, it ran up his pinkie, and across his palm. I wasn’t positive, but I guessed he had hit something while he was outside. Gingerly, he took my hands in his. His hands were swollen, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He kissed my wrists, then my knuckles.
“It’s okay. I thought.. I should have known. You came back.” Relief coursed through me. He had told me he loved me, and here he was, even after reading some of those journals. Now he even knew some of the horror I had gone through, and he was here. The real horrors I hadn’t shared with anybody ever.
“I love you. Unless you tell me to explicitly, I won’t leave. Honestly, I am exhausted. We still have many things to work through, but can we try to get some sleep? I already told Spark I wouldn’t be in for a few days. I’ll go to the shop with you or whatever you need.”
Fuck. I think he does love me. All I could do was nod, and we headed to my room hand in hand.
