“It’s fine,” I tell him. “Sorry, I’m not the greatest sounding board though. I don’t really know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. I guess I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.”
We’re quiet for a minute, each sipping our beers, but it’s not uncomfortable. I’m cool with not talking.
Except I find my mind drifting back to Brenden, and for fuck’s sake, I need to stop going there. He knows I’m gay now, but that doesn’t change anything, does it? I still don’t date. I can’t just grab him and say,Hey, now that you know I like dick, you wanna let me on yours?
Because that’s obviously a terrible idea that could ruin our friendship.
Because May trusts me not to hurt her dad. And I don’twantto hurt him.
Because if I fucked him, even one time, I’m pretty sure I’d never get over it. I’d never stop wanting more.
“Can I tell you one more thing?” Connor asks, and I nod, grateful for the reprieve from my own thoughts. “I think... I mean, Iknowthat I... I’ve always been curious.”
“About what?”
“Men.”
A swig of beer goes down the wrong way, and I start coughing. “Excuse me?”
He shrugs. “I’ve been pretty sure since I was younger that I swing both ways. But I sort of held myself back, because of growing up on the farm and doing all the typical masculine stuff, you know? People assumed I was one way, and I didn’t do anything to let them think otherwise. As a teen, I was just getting brave enough to maybe explore it, but then Emma and I got together, and there was no reason for me to think about it anymore. It didn’t matter.”
I realize I must be gaping at him when he frowns.
“Shit, sorry,” he says. “You probably don’t wanna hear about this.”
“It’s okay,” I tell him quickly. Because even if I normally stay pretty closed off to people, he just had the guts to come out to me, and I don’t want to make him regret it. “No judgement here, I swear. Definitely didn’t see that one coming, that’s all.”
“I’m betting nobody will. If I decide to tell anyone else, that is.”
“Do you think you’re going to?”
He shrugs again. “We’ll see. It’s not like dating is the first thing on my mind right now. I need to make sure Mason is okay, and there’s always the farm keeping me busy. But I can’t say I haven’t thought about the possibility of seeing if my attraction to men could amount to more. Now that I’m free to do... whatever.”
“You don’t have to make a big announcement, you know. If you meet someone and you want to see where things go, thenyou could just go for it. Let everyone else figure it out on their own.”
He nods, but he has no idea how hypocritical it is for me to give him advice on coming out. Our situations are a bit different though. It’s not the whole town I’m afraid to come out to—I don’t give a crap what they think. It’s my own damn father I’m worried about.
For Connor, I imagine the issue is that this town has seen him for so long as Emma’s husband and Mason’s dad. He’s right that everyone assumes things about him, and who knows how people would react if he went out and shattered those assumptions? It wouldn’t be another celebration like with Andrew in high school. This would just confuse everyone.
People in Mayweather like things to be how they expect them to be.
“But it’s probably pointless to even be thinking about this,” he says glumly. “It’s not like there’s a huge pool of queer men in town for me to potentially date.” His eyes grow unfocused for a few seconds, like he’s thinking about something (maybe someone?) and not sharing. Then he shakes his head as if clearing it. “I finally have the chance to explore my options, but there aren’t many options here.”
I’m here, I have the sudden urge to blurt out.I’m here andI’m queer.
I don’t say that though. Of course not.
It’s not like I actually want Connor to consider me as an option. He’s hot, in that all-American, jacked-from-physical-labor kind of way, but he’s not my type. It might help him to know, though, that there are more queer men around here than he thinks.
But I can’t do it. All I do is take a long gulp of my beer, draining the glass, to swallow the words down.
Guess I’m more a product of this town than I’d like to admit. I’m good with things not changing. I’m good with easy and uncomplicated. This is why there’s no point in letting myself entertain the idea of telling Brenden how I feel. I’m not going to come out to my dad, and I can’t ask Brenden to be with me and hide it.
Maybe if I’m being honest with myself, it’s more than just the fear of coming out or the fear of hurting Brenden and May that’s holding me back. Being with Brenden would meanbeingwith him. Letting someone truly in. Not being alone.
And being alone is all I’ve known how to do for the last ten years. I’m used to it. I’m used to quietly pining for Brenden and not having him. If by some miracle I actually got him, I’m not sure I’d know what to do with myself.
