Do I really think he’ll stop loving me when he finds out?
I’m honestly not sure. But I do know that if he does, then that’s on him, not me. I can’t let howhefeels stop me from living my life the way I want to.
All these years, I wasn’t interested in dating, so I didn’t think it mattered if I was out. Now things are different though. Because now there’s Brenden. Now there’s someone I want to be with. Not just in private, but in public too, without having to hide. Andif there’s any chance that he might still want to be with me too after I screwed everything up so badly, then I need to do this.
So I sit up straighter and meet my dad’s stare head-on. “It does have something to do with Brenden. But it’s also about me.”
“Okay.”
I take a deep breath. Here goes... something. “I’m gay.”
“Right,” he says shortly.
That makes me pause, because what the hell? Was that supposed to be sarcasm? Does he think I’m playing a freaking joke on him?
“Uh.” I quickly gather myself again. I don’t want to back out of this. I need to make him understand me. “So when I told you there was nothing going on with me and Brenden, that was a lie. The truth is, therewassomething going on. It’s kind of complicated, because at first, I was only doing him a favor. We were pretending to be in a relationship for May’s grandparents because he thought...” Shaking my head, I try to keep this simple. “Well, it doesn’t matter why he wanted to do that. The thing I need you to know is that it turned into something more.”
“Okay,” he says again, taking another sip of his beer.
“I have feelings for him,” I admit. And as soon as I say those words out loud, I feel lighter. So I keep going, putting it all out there, ignoring the inscrutable way my dad’s looking at me. “I want to be with him. If he wants that too. Honestly, I don’t know if he does anymore, because I really fucked up.”
I pause for a second, realizing I don’t actually know if Brenden ever wanted to be with me at all. I thought we were on the same page, but...
“But either way, you should know this about me,” I continue, dealing with one issue at a time. “I’m gay, and I want to be with a man. With Brenden.”
“Okay,” my dad says yet again.
Growing frustrated, I ask sharply, “Is that all you’re going to say to me?”
He frowns, setting his bottle between his thighs. “Well, no. I was waiting for you to finish what you wanted to tell me.”
“I’m gay!” I practically shout at him. I shouldn’t have to keep repeating myself. “That’s what I’m telling you. It’s a simple concept to understand.”
“Okay...” he says, and when I open my mouth to shout again, he holds up his hands. “But I thought you were going to tell me more about you and Brenden.”
My anger deflates, replaced by confusion. “Don’t you understand what I’m saying? We were... with each other.”
He snorts out a laugh. “Yup, got that. I know I haven’t been in a relationship in just short of forever, but I remember how they work. So I’m not sure why you keep trying to explain it to me like I’m a kindergartener.”
I’m all jumbled up now. It’s like we’re speaking two different languages and something’s gotten lost in translation. “Uh. I thought you’d... have questions.” At the very least.
“Look, what kind of questions do you expect me to have?” He grimaces. “I don’t need to know about who sticks what where.”
I grip the edge of the couch cushion, grounding myself. That was crude, but he doesn’t sound as disgusted as I feared he might be. “You’re not upset?”
“That you didn’t tell me you were dating Brenden before I came home? We don’t talk about feelings much, so whatever. If you wanted to wait to do it in person, that’s fine. I’m just confused why you acted so strange the other day and lied about it.”
This conversation isn’t making any sense. I should be relieved that he’s not going on some kind of gross, homophobic rant. And I am. But how does he not understand why I lied? How is he not more shocked about this?
He squints his eyes, scrutinizing me, then shakes his head. “Wait a minute. Did you just come out to me?”
“Well.”What the fuck?“Yeah.”
Is he so in shock that it’s taken him this long to process that?
Suddenly, he starts laughing. Deep, belly laughs. I flinch at the outburst, and my legs itch to stand up and bolt.Here it comes.I don’t need to take this.
As his laughter dies down, he looks at me and frowns. “Ah, crap. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to laugh. But was I not supposed to know you were gay?”
