"This doesn't involve you, Janelle," Calvin quips back. "This is between me and my conniving ex-wife."
"I thinkJaninetold you to shut up," Ricky growls. I guess I never noticed it before, but he can be kind of scary. He's taller than I thought he was—in my defense, he's always hunched over and kind of stoned. "Dustin's not gonna like you, buddy."
"Dustin?" Calvin's eyebrows shoot to his hairline. "What—Dustin? From fuckingcollege?Brooke, you cheating bitch!"
"We're divorced, you dickhead! How is that cheating?" I shriek back, flapping my hands.
"I knew you had someone on the side—how long have you been seeing him? Is that why you kept your job after all those years? Just in case your preciousDustinshowed back up? I know he's in the tech world, and I know he's the real reason you wanted to be a programmer."
"Wh—are you on meth or something? I hadn't seen him in years—you cheated on ME! Repeatedly! Jesus, fucking hell, getout!"
"I think it's time for you to leave, guy." Ricky closes the distance between himself and Calvin in a few menacing steps. "She doesn't have your shit. Baseball cards depreciate in value, anyway. Unless they were signed by an all-star. You should look into crypto, really set your kid up for success."
What the fuck? He choosesnowto preach the crypto word? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful he's stepped in. But what the fuck?
It seems Calvin is as bewildered as I am because he just nods with a stricken look on his face. The confusion melts as he turns back to me, and he shoots me a scowl. "I swear to god, Brooke, if you're lying to me…."
"She fucking isn't, you idiot! Go home! Go back to your baby mama!" Janine launches herself at Calvin, but Ricky catches her right before she makes impact.
"I need to get out of here," I grumble to myself.
"Fine. I'm leaving. Brooke? You look like shit. Fix your face and your hair." Calvin lobs one last insult before stomping out the door.
Jesus Christ. This day couldn't get any worse.
Well, that's not true. Maybe I could be teleported back in time and get caught fucking Dustin again and put on leave again—that would definitely be worse. I wring my hands and resist the urge to pick up my phone and call him.
"You okay, babe?" Janine rushes over and pets my (very greasy) hair. "I'm so sorry. I tried to keep him away."
"I know," I groan. "I know. Thank you. God, what an asshole. What did I ever see in him?"
She chews her lower lip for a second, and I brace myself for whatever's coming.
"Well… Do you remember before you got married? Your bachelorette party?" She mimes slamming back a drink. I nod. "Ididask you if you were sure…."
"Did you? God, I was blitzed out of my mind. What did I say?"
"You cried. You looked at me with your big, pretty eyes—and your makeup looked great that night, by the way—and you just started sobbing. I was sure I would have to call your mom and orchestrate a runaway bride situation. You were inconsolable until you woke up the next day. At that point, you'd forgotten everything. You seemed sohappywhen you were sober—I just chalkedit up to the very dignified, uh, bender we were on." She throws her arms around me, and I melt into her hug, like I do every time. "I'm so sorry, babe. He's such a dick. Did you hear him call me Janelle?"
"Oh, my god, right? Like, what the fuck was that? As if he hasn't known you foryears."
She snorts an incredulous laugh. "I'd be offended if it was anyone else. He's always been way up his own ass. Y'know, when he's not sucking himself off."
I dissolve into hysterical giggles, and she cackles along with me. As I break away from our hug, wiping the tears from my cheeks, I sigh. "Y'know who would fuckinghateCalvin?"
"Girl, if you say 'Dustin' and don't call him, I'm going to kidnap you to Chicago myself."
A thought occurs to me, which is dangerous in my current state. Janine gives me a knowing look and just smirks. "Do it, girl. Fucking do it. I'll watch Huey. We'll have a grand old time together."
"Do it, B," Ricky pipes up, and I jump. I forgot he was here.
This is obviously the perfect time for me to make a hasty decision.
Dustin
Mycondoisabsolutelysparkling, it's so spotless. I rented a carpet steamer. I don't have carpet, but I do have upholstered furniture. That's pretty much the same thing. As I walk through every room, I inspect the floors for any errant dust bunnies. There are none, of course.
I'm handling my leave perfectly fine, thank you very much. And—progress—I only had Brooke on my mind during everyotherthought, instead of every single thought. I'm totally fine. I'm great, even. This is what thriving looks like. Does it not look like I'm thriving? Well, you're wrong. I'm so thriving I'm gonna write a book about it.
