I look down at my phone and reread his message again. “You know what, fuck him. I’m not even going to respond.” I lock my phone and shut it in my nightstand. If anyone important tries to get a hold of me, they can contact B to get to me.
B movedher mattress into the living room and brought out every pillow and blanket we own. When she ran to the store, she brought back ice cream, Oreos, chips with dip, my favorite candies, and several bottles of wine. I know I’m going to throw up later, but I don’t care.
It’s nearly 4am, and we’re on the 4th Harry Potter movie, my favorite one. I had picked out some rom-coms, but B vetoed those and said tonight is not about boys. I’m glad she did that because I’ve barely thought about Sam. It may be the 2 bottles of wine talking, but I think I’m already over it.
I am perfectly fine without a man. Not like Sam was even “mine” to begin with. I just need to keep remindingmyself that I wanted to enjoy being single, and now I have that chance again.
I pull out my phone and turn the brightness all the way down. I open the Messages app and scroll until I find Matt. The last time I saw him was a month ago at his Halloween party.
Lou
Hi
Matt
Hello, princess.
What are you doing up so late?
Lou
Harry Potter marathon with my sister.
What are you doing up?
Matt
I’m always up this late on Saturdays.
Lou
Do you want to grab a drink sometime soon?
Matt
I’m free on Thursday.
Lou
Perfect, I am too. You can pick the place.
Matt
I’ll pick you up around 7.
Lou
See you then.
SAM
It’s been a week since Thanksgiving, and today is Jacob’s funeral. The first few days were a completeblur. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even think about Lou before she texted me. When I saw her message, a flood of thoughts and emotions took over me.
I so badly wanted to confide in her and tell her everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wouldn’t be fair to her. We’d only been talking for less than a month at that point, and this was way too heavy. I knew I would need time to heal before I got back to my old self. She deserves the best version of someone who can give her their all. Not someone who is grieving, going to therapy, and taking sleeping pills every night to cope with nightmares.
It’s strange how a person can be so tired yet restless at the same time. I haven’t had the energy to work on any of my projects, let alone talk to anyone. And yet, at night, I can’t fall asleep because every time I close my eyes, I see Jacob. I see his face through the car window. I see how broken he was, waiting for someone to grab him and pull him out of the darkness he was in.
I saw the look on his face, and I did nothing. Nothing. I just let him drive away. I should have forced him to come to Mom’s. I should have put him in my car and drove him there myself. I should have gone and checked on him when he didn’t respond to my text. I should have checked on him when he was distancing himself from us all those months prior. I should have gone over to his apartment and hung out with him when he continuously bailed on plans.
