Page 76 of To Hell With It
‘That’s the idea.’
‘Doesn’t it make you sad seeing her every day?’
‘I’d be sadder if I didn’t.’
‘Fair enough,’ I said.
Eve finally turned on the engine and pulled away and it wasn’t until we were back on the road that she said:
‘Why did you lick my cat’s head?’
I thought I’d feel more embarrassed but surprisingly I didn’t at all. So I decided to just tell Eve. Who was she anyway? She was hardly the type to judge – she had a stuffed dead cat in her van that she slept next to every night for Christ’s sake. It wasn’t like I was going to see her again and I doubted we’d keep in touch – how could we when she had no fixed address?
‘I have OCD,’ I said as I placed Ginger carefully back in the cupboard and closed the door.
‘Isn’t that when you check stuff?’
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘Try me,’ Eve said.
‘It’s impossible to fully tell you everything.’
‘Why?’
‘Because a lot of it doesn’t make sense and comes into my head so fast that I can’t explain it in words.’
‘Like what?’ Eve asked.
‘OK, well I do all the usual stuff you probably associate with OCD, like checking light switches and taps, making sure doors are locked, plugs are turned off, et cetera. All that stuff usually happens at night, when I could die.’
Eve was listening intently, so I continued.
‘Then there’s the other stuff, like I have to kiss my parents three times when I say goodbye to them, not when I say hello, and I have to sayI love you. Not in my head, I have to say it out loud, three times, but it can be a whisper. And I have to say it and do the kisses before I think of a penis.’
‘A penis?’ Eve grinned.
‘Yes. It’s my boss’s penis, actually, Mr O’Callaghan. I work in his shop. I have to say The Lord’s Prayer on my hands and knees every night before thinking of it.’
‘Does he know you think of his penis?’
‘He’s dead now so not unless he knows from Heaven.’ I pondered this more to myself than to Eve. Then – ‘no, he definitely didn’t know.’
‘Did you ever see it? I mean his actual penis?’
‘God no!’ I exclaimed.
‘So do you have to sayI love youto everyone you meet?’ The questions kept coming and I started to regret saying anything at all to Eve.
‘I don’t have to say it to everyone, just when I feel the urge.’
Eve laughed. ‘That’s crazy.’
‘It’s really not funny, not for me, anyway,’ I said, frustrated.
‘It must take up a lot of your time,’ Eve said more seriously.
‘My whole life,’ I sighed.
