Page 61 of To Hell With It
It was like a bloody therapy session with Mairéad with all the questions.
You have to use it, please, Niall.
OK, fine. What else?
Don’t sneeze.
Why would I sneeze?
I don’t know, but if you feel like you’re going to, you need to hold it in.
Right.
You’ll need to stand on the toilet lid to shut the window because I don’t have one of those poles to reach up and shut it yet.
I’m sure I can reach.
It’s a VELUX and higher than it looks.
OK.
Please wipe the toilet lid once you’ve shut it.
Why?
Because of your feet.
But I would have taken off my shoes…
Please, just do it, Niall. And please don’t rub your nose or mouth.
Why would I rub my nose or mouth?
You might have an itch. If you do, please sanitise before you shut the window.
If I’m in the bathroom, I’ll just wash my hands.
No.
Why not?
Because you’ll have to wash the taps afterwards.
Why the hell would I have to do that?
Just use the sanitiser, Niall. When you’ve closed the window, please don’t touch anything coming out of the bathroom. My towel is hanging on the door, so be careful not to brush past it when you go in and when you leave. If for some reason you do, please put it in the bath so that I know to wash it.
I don’t have a disease, you know.
I know.
Anything else?
Yes.
What?
You have to count the woodlice on my gate – there should be twelve. Leave it open!
