Page 15 of To Hell With It
‘OK.’ She smiled. ‘And who is this Jack?’
There was a beat as I held her stare.
‘I don’t actually know.’
* * *
My sessions with Mairéad usually last an hour but she’d agreed to stop fifteen minutes early so that it wouldn’t clash with Jack’s arrival. It had been difficult to concentrate because I couldn’t take my mind off the fact that Jack could have turned up at any moment and what would I have said?WellMindwas plastered all over Mairéad’s car for Christ’s sake.
‘So, how do you feel about him staying?’ Mairéad brought me back into the room.
‘Regretful.’ I sighed.
‘How about we change that tohopeful?’ She gave an invisible nudge. ‘It will be good for you to have someone else in the house to challenge you, it’ll be just what you need.’
Mairéad had a way of doing that; switching the negatives to positives. You know, like the whole turn-that-smile-upside-down, impossible-to-I’m-possiblething. It annoyed me when other people did it but for some reason with Mairéad I didn’t mind.
‘It’s going to make everything worse,’ I said flatly.
‘Only if you let it.’ Mairéad straightened her back and pushed her mug of coffee to one side like she was about to give some sort of speech. ‘Come on, let’s go through some coping strategies so that you feel more prepared. He’s only here for the weekend, you can do this.’ She winked.
‘I feel sick.’
‘It’s just your nerves. It means you’re excited.’
‘It means I’ve made a mistake.’
‘No, it doesn’t.’
‘I don’t even know him.’
‘True, but he’s already stayed one night, the rest will be a breeze and if it’s not then you’ll cope, just like you always do. Ready?’ She didn’t give me a chance to respond; she took a deep breath in and then gave me a nod. ‘In for one, two, three, four…’ She opened one eye to check I was joining in. ‘Hold for eight,’ she said with restricted breath. ‘And pinched cat’s bottom lips – release … one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.’
‘Pinched cat’s bottom lips’means exactly that by the way – I have to pinch my lips together when I breathe out so that they look like a cat’s arse hole (if you’ve ever seen one, you’ll know what I mean). It helps to slow down the breathing.
I was glad she finished on nine. Nine relaxed me more than the exercises. I had no idea why so don’t bother even wondering why yourself, because you’ll never know either.
When I first started Mairéad’s breathe, relieve, relax techniques I could barely get to five before letting out one mighty gasp like I’d almost drowned. But kudos to Mairéad, I always felt calmer afterwards (probably because I had such a light head from all the breath holding).
‘OK, so what’s your main worry about Jack coming to stay for the weekend?’ Mairéad asked.
‘He’ll see it all.’
‘See what?’
‘My OCD.’
‘OK, pick one ritual and tell me what would be so bad about him seeing you doing it.’
I sighed. ‘He’ll wake up and hear me telling him I love him, over and over again, while trying not to think of a penis and kissing the top of his head three times without waking him up.’
‘That’s a good one.’
‘Thank you.’
‘So, let’s just say, for argument’s sake, you’re what, lying next to him doing it?’
‘No, I’d be standing up over him because I can’t assume I’ll be in the same bed.’
