Page 106 of To Hell With It
Tim followed my gaze to his open bag and the silence made my ears hurt.
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have…’
‘I proposed to her up here two years ago,’ Tim said. ‘She got cancer after our wedding and died six months later.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said and I suddenly felt like an idiot for badgering him before.
‘We always said we’d come back,’ he continued. ‘We never got to do it. We should have just done it.’ He looked out towards the view. ‘It was our place, you know?’
I nodded but I didn’t know. I’d never hada placewith anyone, apart from the graveyard with Una and that didn’t count.
‘You just never know what’s going to happen in life,’ he said. ‘Nicola was here, she was happy, healthy, she loved life. Then she got ill and everything changed, just like that.’ He clicked his fingers. ‘She was gone.’
‘She’ll never really be gone,’ I said because I thought it was the right thing to say.
‘She’s gone,’ he repeated.
‘She’s in your bag.’
I died inside. Why did I say that?
‘I mean her spirit will always be with you.’ I tried to rescue myself.
‘I don’t believe in all that crap.’
‘It might be true though.’
‘If Nicola was here, she’d have given me a sign.’
‘Maybe this is it? Maybe her sign is to meet someone who tells you this is her sign?’ I was making it worse but for some reason I couldn’t shut up.
‘That doesn’t make sense.’
‘I know, sorry. I’m still waiting for a sign from my grandmother. She died a few years ago and promised to leave me one.’
‘How’s that going for you?’
‘She hasn’t sent one yet.’
‘Exactly,’ Tim said. ‘Because she can’t, she doesn’t exist anymore.’
‘Well, I like to think that people still do.’
‘That’s because you can’t deal with the fact that they don’t. Let me help you back down.’ He changed the subject. ‘If no one else comes up you’ll be stuck here.’
‘I can wait for you to come back down.’
‘I’ll be hours.’
‘I can do some sunbathing.’
‘You’ll burn.’
‘I need a tan.’
‘Let me help you,’ he said bluntly and reached out his hand for me to take. And I had no choice, did I, because how else would I have got to my feet? I could feel the sweat on his palms; it soaked into mine like a sponge. I reached around for my sanitiser once I was standing up. I didn’t care in that moment.
‘I don’t have a disease you know,’ Tim said.
