Page 101 of To Hell With It
‘Fuck off!’ I said loudly. And the couple at the next table looked at me with an expression that could only say that they thought I was a crazy person. And I suppose I was. I was talking to myself, after all, swearing out loud at something they couldn’t see.
I breathed out, slowly, and picked up my phone. I dialled Mairéad’s number and prayed she’d answer.
‘Pearl?’ She sounded concerned before I’d even said anything. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I’ve eaten snot.’
‘OK, Pearl, it’s OK.’
‘The trees aren’t working, I can’t get off the bus,’ was all I could manage through my short, sharp breaths.
‘Pearl, just breath, pinched cat’s bottom, remember?’ Mairéad said slowly, as if she was breathing for me through her pinched-cats-bottom-lips. ‘Breathe with me … in for one, two, three, four … hold, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and out for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. That’s it, that’s good. It’s OK, Pearl,’ Mairéad soothed. The actual technique wasfour-seven-eightbut Mairéad knew I’d never get past evil seven so she’d changed it for the greater good.
‘My heart is racing. It feels like it’s going to come out.’
‘It’s not going to come out.’
‘I’m shaking.’
‘You’re in flight or fight mode, it’s OK, it will pass,’ Mairéad said softly. ‘Can you think of something that makes you happy?’
‘My grandmother.’ I caught my breath.
‘That’s lovely, and what is she doing?’
‘She’s picking mushrooms.’
‘Good. And where are you, Pearl?’
‘I’m holding a basket full of twigs for the fire.’
‘Keep yourself there for as long as you need to be. I’m here. I won’t go,’ Mairéad said.
So I stayed with my grandmother and watched her in the field next to her house, the way I used to as a girl: her bottom in the air, her headscarf tied under her chin like a mother hen, as she searched for the mushrooms that brought her so much delight.
‘How are those butterflies doing?’ Mairéad asked a little while later, though I don’t know exactly how much time had passed.
‘They’ve landed.’
‘That’s good. Don’t try and catch them, remember. Just be with them for a bit. What was the trigger?’
‘There was someone’s snot in my drink.’ I tried to hold my grandmother in my mind.
‘In it?’
‘Yes, on the inside of the glass.’
‘Are you sure that’s what it was?’
‘Yes.’
‘OK, what’s the worst thing that can happen to you, Pearl, even if it was?’
‘It’s not about that, Mairéad, it’s the fact it’s gone in me.’
‘Is it still on the glass?’
‘Yes.’
