Page 7 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight
“Gram sounds like a wasted sailor who drank all the rum on the ship. Told her she was makin’ my rump itch with that kinda poopy talk. I threatened to jerk her bald and I even told her I was gonna cream her corn. That old bat just laughed like a dang hyena and strung together enough swear words to singe the curly hairs right out of my ears and nose. And it’s all MY fault. That old lady is downstairs spewing so much filth that I almost had a heart attack. AND I can’t have no heart attack. Ithink I finally understand why Gram always wants to wash my mouth out with soap.” She paused, swallowed, then burped again. “Soap ain’t tasty. So, I’m fixin’ to shove her head into the toilet and flush it seventy-five times. I can’t have that old woman talkin’ like that!”
I really wanted to laugh. I didn’t. It was unclear if Gram was using reverse psychology on Candy or if she’d lost her ghostly mind after the trip to the Higher Power’s plane. If I had to take a guess, I’d say it was a little of both. Gideon couldn’t contain himself and did a piss poor job of masking his laugh with an obnoxious coughing fit.
“Go get you a drink of water,” Candy Vargo yelled at him. “I can’t be pourin’ out my heart while you choke to death.”
I gave Gideon a little push. “Take Alana Catherine and go downstairs,” I told him as the coughingand laughingcontinued.
The love of my life gave me a grateful glance and hightailed it out of the room. Candy didn’t need anyone laughing at her. As often as I wanted to headbutt the woman, I wanted to hug her even more often. Now was one of the hugging times. I crossed the room and perched on the edge of the bed next to her. “Talk to me.”
Oh Daisy,” she lamented. The soap had met the saliva, and bubbles floated out of her mouth as she spoke. It was difficult to concentrate on what she was saying, but I was a fairly good multi-tasker. “I’m responsible for Gram’s crap mouth. It’s just killin’ me. I need help. I don’t think she’d like getting’ her head flushed.”
“Pretty sure you’re correct on that,” I told her. Granted, Gram was a ghost and wouldn’t be able to feel it, but in this case, it would be the thought that counted.
“I’m goin’ cold turkey on the fucks,”she announced, looking horrified at her own words. “I’m thinkin’ to lead by example and get Gram off the cussin’.”
I nodded, afraid if I spoke, I would shriek with laughter.
“Yep,” she said, hopping to her feet and leaving a trail of bubbles in her wake. “I need you to give me a cuss word and I’m gonna come up with the replacement.”
This wasn’t what I was expecting at all. But Candy Vargo was unpredictable.
“Wait. What?” I asked. “You want a list?”
“Roger that,” she said, brightening up considerably. “That’s what I need. A list!”
Pressing my lips together, I decided to just go with it. I didn’t need an upset and distracted Keeper of Fate. Our immediate future was bleak, and I needed my trusted people on their toes. A list was a small ask to make her happy. “Well… let’s start with the word fuck.”
“One of my favorites,” Candy said, shaking her head in sorrow. “Maybe I can substitute it with shart or fudge.”
“Interesting,” I said. Again, doing my best not to crack a smile. The gal was serious. “I think fudge might be better than shart.” Never did I think I would speak those words in that order in my life.
“I can see that,” she said, offering me a toothpick.
This time I took it.
“I’ll keep shart as a backup for fudge,” she informed me. “I think mothersharter might be stronger than motherfudger. Right?”
“Absolutely,” I assured her. “Next, how about a replacement word for shit?”
“I’m thinkin’ either shucks or balls,” she said, holding her hand up. “Also, I’d like to get your take on using anatomically correct terms for body parts instead of curse words.”
I didn’t want to ask, but I had to. “Like?”
“You know,” she said. “Like vagina, buttocks, penis, testicles, balls, bosom… stuff like that. They ain’t bad words—just body parts. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with body parts. Also, I’d like to point out that an ass is a donkey and a bitch is a female dog.”
I wished I hadn’t asked. “More interesting observations.” Staying as neutral as possible was the way to go. Just the thought of her shouting vagina as much as she shouted the word fuck was not a good look. “Maybe leave the body parts as a last resort—like when you’re really pissed.”
“Sounds like plan,” she agreed. The woman looked rabid now as the soap had lathered up and was leaking out of her mouth. “Keep goin’ with the list.”
“Okay, ass as in asshole. That’s one you use often.”
“True that,” she said with a frothy grin. “How about bahookey? Bahookeyhole has a nice ring to it.”
“Sure,” I replied. Unable to stop myself, I picked up a burp cloth and wiped her mouth. She barely noticed. “Umm… how about bullshit and umm… dick?”
“I’m thinkin’ bullspit for bullshit and either corn nuts or Merlin’s magic nards for dick.”
I grinned. It couldn’t be helped. Merlin’s magic nards was simply too much. “I’m good with all of that.”
