Page 42 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight
I laughed at her guess then realized that the Edward from Twilight effect hadn’t worn of yet. Two hours had passed and we all still looked like glittery freaks. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who happened to be drag queens, would be proud.
“Umm… Candy, would you like to explain why we all still look like Christmas ornaments?” I asked.
“Sure, nard hole. When I said two hours, I might have underestimated a testicle or three,” she informed the unhappily surprised crowd—well, everyone but Jennifer was alarmed with the news. She was thrilled.
“I have three testicles,” Shitty Ritchie announced.
He was ignored—studiously ignored.
“So,” Candy Vargo continued. “As I wassayin’ before I almost puked at the farked up admission from Shitty Ritchie about his nuts, the sparkle might last longer.”
“Define longer,” Gideon said, displeased.
She shrugged and chuckled. “Welp, seein’ as how I ain’t never done the spell before I don’t have an exact answer, corn nut. If I had to take a guess… I’d say a week… maybe five.”
I winced. We all lived as humans in our sleepy little Georgia town. I’d grown up here and knew practically everyone. It would be impossible to explain sparkling skin at the Piggly Wiggly.
“Dude,” Heather said, shaking her head in annoyance. “You’re a menace. I have to be in court to try a case next week.”
“My bad. Sorry, shart face,” Candy Vargo said. Her lips quirked up at the corners, making her apology a bald-faced lie.
Whatever. We could potentially cover Heather in body makeup for her court date and the rest of us could hide out until the glitter wore off. Of course, if the Higher Power showed Its ass and destroyed us it wouldn’t matter.
Speaking of… “Do you think we should call back Zander and Catriona while I’m in Jimmy George Carrots’ mind? If the zombies show up again, they’ve already defeated them once.” Turning to the three-balled little guy, I posed another question. “Do you know how big the Higher Power’s zombie army is?”
“Endless,” he replied. “There are millions of dead bodies available and It takes as needed.”
Not the answer I’d been hoping for.
“That is, pardon my poop words, but that shit is fucked,” Candy Vargo groused.
Gram didn’t admonish her. It was profanely accurate.
“I’ll alert Zander and Catriona to return,” Gideon said, allbusiness. “Explaining the sparkle will be interesting, but the backup is prudent.”
I smiled and nodded. I was tempted to let him know that I thought he was sexy all glittered up, but thought that was TMI considering the company. “Questions for Jimmy George Carrots?” I inquired, canvasing the hive mind.
“Obviously, the relevance of the number three,” Charlie said. “And I’m curious at how old the seer is.”
“Got it,” I replied. “Anything else?”
“Ask him if there is a little Ritchie or little Ritchina in my future,” Shitty Ritchie suggested, waggling his brows at my sister.
Heather rolled her eyes hard. I was sure she could answer that query without the aid of Jimmy George Carrots.
“Okay, nope. Anything else that’s actually pertinent?”
Gideon walked over to me. My hands immediately went to both him and our child. The feeling was centering and necessary. “Ask Jimmy George Carrots about our girl—not about her fate. She will make her own fate. Just inquire about her gifts and how we can help her.”
I nodded and leaned into his warmth. I wasn’t sure when or even if we were going to catch a break, but we needed it. He gently pressed his lips to mine and kissed me. I felt the love. I felt the desire, and I felt the fear.
Gideon didn’t love it when I mind-dived. It took a lot out of me and there was no way to know how long I’d be gone. Gone was the wrong word. My body stayed here, but everything else about me left the building. However, he would never ask me to stop. It was my job and my gift. We lived in a dangerous world and mind diving was the tamest thing I did. Getting there was painful, but the rest was beautifuland humbling.
“Oh! Ask that free -ballin’ cutie if it was me or June that those weridos were after,” Jennifer added.
That was already on the list, but being reminded was fine.
“Yep,” Heather agreed. “And if you have time at the end since this isn’t exactly important, ask him when the damned sparkle’s going to wear off.”
