Page 80 of Rival for Rent
I couldn’t pull away from him tonight. My head had wanted to, but my body—and my heart—knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He’d had such a rough day yesterday. I’d genuinely worried for him. The stress of the video leaking, on top of everything else he’d already been carrying, had to be crushing.
I wasn’t even sure why I told him about my time in the Marines. I tried to keep that memory buried. What Pete did… I still tried not to think about it. I’d reported him to our CO, escalated it up the chain. Pete was dishonorably discharged. But I couldn’t stay in the military after that. I didn’t have the stomach for it.
I haven’t had the stomach for much of anything since.
The memory of that day dogged my footsteps, ready to drag me under. I hadn’t kept a job since I got out. Every time I startedto get comfortable, get my feet under me, I remembered those kids. They would never grow up. Never get married, have jobs, have kids of their own. Because of me. It was my responsibility to keep them safe, and I’d failed.
I didn’t merit comfort. Or stability. My dreams are bad enough, but whenever I started to feel like things might be okay, I found a way to blow it all up. Because I didn’t deserve anything better.
And I didn’t deserve Kai.
He’d let himself be vulnerable, and he’d been beautiful. More beautiful than someone with my hands, my past, should ever have been allowed to touch. Kai belonged on a stage or in a museum, not wrapped up in the wreckage of me.
I’d taken this job to protect him. I couldn’t undo what I’d done, but I could keep someone else from harm. That’s what I’d told myself. What I didn’t count on was falling for him. Not just wanting him, but needing him. Needing all of him.
It wasn’t just the sex—though that was amazing. God, I’d fucked a man last night, and instead of feeling wrong or weird, it had felt right. Like a piece of me I’d been missing all my life had finally snapped into place. Like it was meant to be.
I closed my eyes, and all I saw was Kai moving on top of me, his body sweat-sheened and glorious, his head tipped back, bouncing on my cock as I stroked his. He’d come so quickly, whimpering and moaning, filling me with heat and pride that I’d given that pleasure to him. I’d pulled him down as I felt my own orgasm build, desperate to be as connected to him as possible, and fuck the doctors and my ribs both.
I needed Kai. And because of that, I knew I had to let him go.
I hurt people. That’s what I did. If Amir was right, and Kai really did care about me… Well, then I had to end this before it got worse. Because I knew it would.
I rolled onto my side and watched him sleep. His face was relaxed. No furrow in his brow, no tension around his mouth. I wanted to remember him like this. Wanted to hold onto this moment before everything inevitably went to hell.
As the sky began to lighten, I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
“I love you,” I mouthed. Not even a whisper, but I meant it with everything I had. “And I’m sorry.”
Then I slipped out of bed before the sky turned gray and left the room.
I felt a little better that morning than I had the day before. Not great, but better. So I decided to skip the prescription painkillers. They made my head too foggy, and I needed to be sharp. I found some ibuprofen in Kai’s medicine cabinet and washed it down with a cup of coffee, staring out the window at his sparse backyard.
I’d let myself imagine it once. What it could look like if Kai let me plant it up. A crape myrtle for color. Maybe a peach tree. Hibiscus bushes. Lavender. Thyme. Hostas along the south wall, a pond with a little fountain. A bench under the tree where we could sit together.
Stupid. Stupid to think there was a version of the future where I was still around.
Kai came down about an hour later, bleary-eyed and quiet. He didn’t ask why I was up so early. Didn’t mention last night at all.I didn’t expect that to last forever, but I was grateful not to have to face it yet.
“How are you doing today?” I asked him. “With…everything?”
“Ask me later,” he mumbled, grabbing a coffee mug and another donut before trudging back upstairs.
I wasn’t used to resting the way everyone kept telling me I should. The doctors. Dana. Kai. I felt antsy—not alert like I was on a mission, but like I needed to burn off energy. Normally I’d get up and do something, but I still ached, and I knew rest would help in the long run. So I lay on the couch with Bella curled up beside me and tried not to lose my mind overthinking everything.
Later, when I went upstairs to get more ibuprofen, I paused outside Kai’s office door. It was closed, but I could hear him talking on the other side.
“—ashamed of my past actions. They don’t reflect the person I am now, and I regret bringing shame to my family, friends, and colleagues. My personal life should never take center stage over the important work that the Butterfly Center and Wardrobes for the Win are doing. Do you think that’s enough?”
A pause. He was on the phone. Probably with Carolyn.
“Yeah, no, that’s a good idea. Something like, ‘seeking legal recourse to discover…’ yeah. Yeah, that sounds fine.”
He was dictating his statement about the video. I could practically see the cringe on his face through the door. I hated hearing him fall on his sword like this.
Shame? Over a video he made a decade ago that someone else reposted without his consent? Anyone who actually knew Kai—who cared about him—should be furious on his behalf. But I knew he didn’t see it that way. He was taking all of it on himself.
Later that afternoon, Dana texted to check in, and a bit after that, I got a message from Amir.
