Page 98 of Himbo Hitman
That smile is gone, and he’s chewing on his bottom lip as he looks me over. “You’re mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m so confused.”
The most stupid part is that he’s being genuine. Heisconfused. The way he can be confused about why I might be mad over him using me and then fawning all over the love of his life right in front of my face deserves to go in a parody somewhere. I don’t have to want a relationship with the guy to at least not want to see that.
I’m all for sex and quick hookups, but that doesn’t mean I actively want to know I’ve been used.
“Don’t worry about it. Soon enough, this will be over, and you won’t need to think about me again.”
“You mean … you don’t want to be friends when this is over?”
Goddamn that wounded tone. I could kick him. He’s not allowed to make me feel bad about wanting distance when he’s the whole reason I want it in the first place. “No.” I shrug. “But we’ll probably be dead, so it’s not like it will make a difference.”
His face falls, gaze dropping to the dirt between us and hand finally releasing my arm. I didn’t even realize he was still holding it, but now the grip is gone, my bare skin is more aware of what it lost than what it had. “I thought we were friends,” he says.
The way my mouth is rebelling against me should be illegal. We are friends. IlikePerry. I hate that I’m making him look so pathetically needy when he’s one of the sweetest men I’ve ever met, but I need to protect myself too. Being sweet doesn’t give him the right to be ignorant. Still, I can’t stop myself from throwing him a bone. From guiding him to the answer that I know he’ll never come to on his own.
“We were,” I admit. “But for the future: being friends with a queer man doesn’t give you the excuse to use him.” This time, I really do walk away, and because I’m maybe even a little hurt, I can’t stop from throwing back over my shoulder, “Especially when you’re obviously in love with someone else.”
I escape inside the cabin before Perry can respond. Yes, I’m acoward, thank you, but I’m also not in a place where I can hear him talk about Arlie and how perfect she is. Or accept an apology after pointing out why I’m not so ready to be besties with him right now.
With a huge exhale, I flop back onto the ratty sofa, knowing there’s no way in hell I’d normally be this annoyed. Between having my life threatened, my brother missing, and the general comfort of my life turned on its head, I’m a teensy bit taking it out on Perry. Yes, it’s a valid reason, and normally I’d make a joke to brush it off, then never see him again, but for right now, there’s no escaping him, and everything else feels too raw.
I need some sleep. And a shower. Maybe after those two things, I’ll be able to think more clearly. There’s no way my annoyance with Perry will be able to resist his overenthusiastic energy for long. I’m doomed before I’ve even gotten started.
Couldn’t I have been almost shot by an asshole instead?
The front door shoves open, and I glance over to see Perry standing there, hand on the door, dumbstruck look on his face.
“I’m not in love with Arlie!”
Slowly, I straighten, eying what looks like shock and maybe offense radiating from him. “Yousaid it.”
“Yeah, but, I mean … it’s a joke. Like she’s gorgeous and scary and good at what she does, obviously?—”
“You’re not making the point you think you’re making.”
He scrambles closer and drops to his knees beside the couch. “No, like, I have a lot of respect for her. I love her. She’s awesome and kind of terrifying and a lot inspiring. I’d love to be as cool as her one day, but I’m not actually in love with her.” He lets out a little laugh. “I’m not a complete idiot. We’d be terrible together. I’d drive her nuts, and she’d do nothing but put me down. I have a bit more self-respect than that.”
I’m struggling to latch onto what he’s saying, but relief is pooling in my chest. “Only abitmore?”
“That requires more soul-searching than I’m capable of.”
My gaze travels the length of his face. “You know, sometimes I think you might be smarter than you let on.”
He likes that. He doesn’t try to hold back the way his eyes light up. But that light slowly dims as he reaches for my hand.
“Sorry I upset you. And for whatever it means, I didn’t use you last night.”
I’m trying not to let his warm hand and bare chest take over my brain. I can still do the thinking of the things, dammit. “Would you have kissed me if you didn’t think you were going to die?”
He chews on his answer for a second. “No.”
At least he was honest, I guess, even if it proves I was right.
But Perry isn’t done. “And I would have missed out on the single best moment of my life.”
