Coach floats on cloud nine during practice. Doesn’t, of course, stop him from running us through hours of conditioning drills, but I’ve always welcomed the burn of exertion, of simple hard work.
You don’t need your head to be in the right place to skate hard in a straight line, to hold a squat at the blue line while waiting for the rest of your line to finish, to whip laps around the face-off circles over and over until every muscle screams in protest.
With the air tearing at my lungs, legs burning, hands shaking, sweat leaking out of every pore into every molecule of fabric touching my body, with all that physical pain and discomfort occupying my mind, there’s no room left to feel anything else.
And that’s how I prefer it.
It’s only after practice ends that the worry starts to creep back into the darkened corners, that the fear slips through the cracks of resistance into my waking mind. Like a nightmare, creeping up where you can’t resist it, but worse, worse, because you can’t help but keep tripping over it.
Because there’s no waking up.
But that’s when Nat appears at my side. Weaves his fingers through mine, presses his cheek to my hair, and whispers against my skin, “Want to go for a hike?”
So I find myself out tramping through the woods, through snow-crusted meadows beneath pines glistening with the diamond gems of icicles and fresh fallen powder.
One thing I’ve learned in my life is that when the good days come, you seize them, and you seize them hard, cause you never know how long they’re gonna last. You breathe, and you drink in the beauty of nature and you let time slip from your grasp beneath the wonder of the world.
Epilogue 2: Nat
Nat
Therewasatimewhen I hated Day River. When all I wanted was to find a way to ensure my daughter didn’t get stuck here, living the same day over and over, watching the same people over and over, like spinning tires in a muddy rut.
But now, I stand atop a snowy mountain looking down on my glistening city, and I think how beautiful it is, in the right light. Life is like that city—how it looks is all about the light you shine on it.
I never realized that until the man beside me popped into my life—one minute nowhere, and then everywhere, all at once. My little ghost, haunting me, in the dark and in the light. My ghost, my salvation, my comfort.
My reminder to look at the world and smile.
“So, how’s Syd’s internship going?” he asks now, his voice a whisper on the wind. “She always seems, you know,Very Busy,but in like, a good way?”
“I like you.” I laugh, wrap an arm around him, and pull him in close, just so I can breathe in the soft scent of strawberries, the faint undertone of coffee. “And yes, Syd loves her internship. Kid’s always been a rink rat.”
“So I imagine she’ll want to keep doing this kind of stuff?” He cocks his head towards me. “You know, after school’s done?”
I shrug, keeping my arm around him. “She hasn’t decided yet. She’s been talking to Jesse a little about opportunities he might be able to help her with.”
“That’s awesome.” He shifts in my embrace so he’s half turned towards me. “How do you feel about . . . you know. Jess?”
His name still makes me feel a little cold. But it’s not quite like it used to be—like a knife wedged between my ribs or an electric shock. “Better, I guess. He’s good with her, so I appreciate that.”
“It’s a start.” Olli nods. “But there’s a lot of unresolved stuff between you two.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Don’t know that it’ll ever really be resolved, but I guess at least we’re amicable?”
“Right.” Olli tilts his head against my shoulder, nestling into my side. “And what about Syd? Think she’ll leave Day River in her pursuit of Great Things?”
“Dunno.” I shrug again, keep my eyes on the city. “I mean, that’s what I wanted, right? For her to get out? But at the same time, I think she’s a Day River girl. Maybe she’ll go, but I think she’ll come back.”
“If she goes, would you?”
“Nope.” I plant a kiss on his nose. “You’re here. My team is here. So I’m here too.”
Besides, the cold’s in my blood, same as it’s in Avery’s blood and Syd’s and maybe, I think, Olli’s too. The future isn’t certain or decided by any stretch of the imagination, but right now, this moment feels damn good.
In this moment, this is exactly where I want to be—who I want to be.
