Page 20 of Off Side
SAM
Drew’s eyes turn cold and he pushes away from me clenching his fists. He doesn’t even bother picking up his clothes, he silently goes up to his room and slams the door. I’m not offended, it was a hell of a bomb to drop on him and I didn’t want to do it naked, but I couldn’t really hold off on it any longer either.
I was terrified to tell Drew about Jason. I really don’t know how much of a grudge he holds over Jason and how he would handle the news.
When Drew finally told me his own name, I had done a bit of a background search and I was stunned to learn Jason was the one that took away all of Drew’s dreams to make it to the NHL. I read article after article on the game since it was first of all, a strange injury, and second happened to such an aspiring player. The game had been recorded by the local television station at the time but since it was mainly done by students learning in the multi media courses, the footage was grainy and didn’t catch the hit in its entirety.
It seemed the hockey minds of the day were a 50/50 split on whether it was intentional or an accident since Jason was also an elite player with his eyes on NHL. The only punishment to Jason was a game misconduct for hitting from behind. Knowing Jason like I do now, I knew he was capable of delivering a dirty hit, but I didn’t know why he would have bothered to. He was just as likely to injure himself.
I hadn’t meant to ever reveal any of this to anyone until Mr. Burns gave us those ridiculous stipulations today. After my first break down in the drive way I knew I’d have to tell Drew and I knew it would make things all that much harder to get him back into hockey. I was afraid it would make us fail at this crazy request by my grandfather.
With a deep sigh I sit up and clean up with his shirt. I gather all our clothes and go up to my room to shower and let him have his time to process.
When I finish and dress in fresh clothes his door is still closed, so I decide to go out and see the horses and good old Jack. He always makes me smile when I’m down. I’m going to let Drew come to me. I took a huge step spilling all that to him. Hopefully his opinion of me hasn’t changed. I think we have a mutual respect after our rough start, but now I’m not sure. A little bit of donkey time should do me good and clear my head.
I find an old barn coat in the mud room and boots. After I snag some carrots and apples from the kitchen, I walk out to the barn. All the animals are in the pasture so the barn is empty. It’s immaculate though. Drew does an amazing job. All the stalls have the names of the animals in rustic painted signs. It’s so clean in here you could have the queen for tea and she wouldn’t notice it was a barn. There’s a pile of hay bales at the door and a barn cat is snuggled there on an old blanket. I give him a little ear scratch and go back outside to the fence to call the donkeys over.
I taught Jack to come to the barn with two sharp whistles with my fingers. That means get over here and see me or you don’t get your treats, in donkey language. Sure enough, I hear some honks in the distance and Jack and Fanny come trotting my way. Once the horses catch on there are snacks, they will all be here, but I have some time with Jack to myself for a bit. Jack runs the last twenty meters full tilt right at me and comes to a skidding stop at the fence, sending muck flying. I swear this animal is a few beers short of a six pack, but he makes me laugh so much. He rubs on the fence and gives a loud bray before he settles down and starts nudging me for his carrot. I scratch his ears and hold out a carrot for him. He crunches away happily and watches me. I hand a carrot to Fanny too and she quietly observes us while leaning into Jack. I rub his forehead and his nose and feed him another carrot.
“Jack, I’ve missed you buddy. You and your crazy ways always make me laugh. Do you miss Grandpa like I do? Has Drew been taking good care of you?”
He cocks his head while he chews, as if he’s considering how to answer the question and I laugh out loud at his antics. He makes the weight of a million bricks lift off my shoulders. He nudges up as close as he can get to the fence and I wrap my arms around his neck, burying my head in his fur. He quietly stands there as I suddenly start to cry. It takes me by surprise since I was laughing my heart out a moment ago.
His steady presence and his sixth sense know it’s what I need. I haven’t really expressed my grief and frustration in its entirety yet and he literally gave me his shoulder to cry on. I cry knowing how much time I missed with Jack, how much time I’d missed with Grandpa. I cry over the situation I’m in and the situation I thought I had put behind me with Jason. I cry over how I feel like a colossal failure to myself and my family. And I cry for Drew and how he got wrapped into this. Jack waits until I’ve cried it all out and start sniffling before he nudges me for another carrot. Laughing I give him one, but instead of taking it right away he puffs his lips at me and rubs me with his head. His version of a donkey hug. Then he takes his carrot and starts his donkey dance with it, which alerts the horses to snacks, which means my alone time with Jack is over.
As the other horses arrive, I give them an apple or a carrot and they all let me scratch their ears and give them rubs. Jack keeps squeezing in trying to steal everyone else’s snacks until he ends up standing back and honking at everyone in outrage that they didn’t share. He’s a damn nut case. I needed a good cry and a good laugh and I feel so much better now.
Who knew talking to a donkey could be so uplifting? I’m ready to be the person I need to be to get through this mess. Clarity has arrived and I need to pull on the big girl pants and stop hiding. Let’s get this request grandpa made done with.
With that thought in my head I head back to the house and I hope Drew might be ready to talk.
DREW
I was a coward.
I waited in my room until Sam had returned from the barn that night before I went out to do the chores. I watched her interact with the donkeys and horses like she was meant to be there. I watched her crying and laughing with a damn donkey and I wished it was me. How fucked up was that to be jealous of a damn donkey? I’m a bigger ass than an actual ass.
I didn’t make any move to do anything about it because I was still too damn angry Jason Lawless had fucked up her life and not just mine. By being on the ice I gave consent and accepted the risk I could get hurt. Not Sam. She trusted him with her heart and he stomped all over it like a flaming bag of dog shit on a doorstep. I wanted to go out there and comfort her and tell her I thought she was so fucking brave for sharing all that with me and I would help her put her pieces together. I wanted to be the one to help build her up again. My poor black heart was finding a purpose and it was in the five-foot nothing spitfire that laid her heart open for me to take and nurture, and in all my anger I fucking left her heart there. I left it there to dry up and die and I was a damn coward for that. I hadn’t even acknowledged the mind-blowing sex we had. Jesus, I was not deserving of this woman.
I need to get a grip and let her know she didn’t misplace her trust by telling me what she did. We need a united plan and while I don’t want to get involved in hockey again, I know it’s going to happen if I want both of us to come out on the other side of this thing in one piece.
I had a very sleepless night and I needed the time to calm down before we could talk. I knew she was already up this morning and in the kitchen as I could smell coffee and hear a few muttered curses as things were dropped. Time to face the music.
I enter the kitchen and almost laugh out loud. Sam is on a chair on her tip toes rummaging around at the back of one of the cabinets. She has what I think is a wooden spoon she keeps poking into the cabinet and scraping around. I can hear her muttering under her breath about how shortness should be considered a physical defect and why couldn’t kitchens be built for small people. I lean against the door frame watching because she has another pair of yoga pants on and the view is all kinds of awesome. God, she has a great ass. She’s also adorable with all her mutterings while trying to reach whatever it is she keeps cursing out. I finally decide I should break the silence and announce my presence. I clear my throat to get her attention.
“Ah! Holy fuck! Drew, am I going to have to put a bell on you so you don’t keep scaring the living shit out of me every time you enter a room? Do you even walk? Are you some kind of floating vampire?” She’s clutching her chest because I did actually scare her, and I feel bad about that.
“Sorry. I didn’t really know any other way to let you know I was here without startling you. It wasn’t on purpose. What can I help you with? You look like you’re struggling.”
“If you could please get this waffle maker down before I lose my damn mind, I’d appreciate it. Who the hell shoved it way up there where nobody can reach?”
I walk over and easily reach up, pulling it out and handing it to her with a wide grin.
She mutters something about me being a giant and goes back to the counter. The tension is thick in the air as neither one of us says anything. I need to be the one to break this. I walk up behind her so she knows I’m there and place my hands on her shoulders, gently turning her around to face me. I tenderly cup her face and drop a kiss on her forehead.
“I’m sorry I ghosted you last night after you shared all that with me. I had to get myself under control, and I didn’t want to say anything that could be hurtful. You really shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t want to ruin our night with my issues, but I ended up ruining it anyway because I left you by yourself when you needed someone to reassure you. I sent you into the arms of a donkey, for god’s sake. Can you forgive me?” I give her a tentative smile and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.
Her face isn’t giving much away, and her eyes are downcast. I’m beginning to think I fucked this up before it could even start when she finally raises her face and stares at me, and oh those eyes…so big and chocolatey brown and innocent, and dare I think hopeful? But what I could see most was the hurt I had caused, and I die a bit inside knowing I caused that.
