Page 98 of Get Me to the Starting Line
Well, no, that’s not what she said. She said it would be best if I left.
“Why?”
It’s her turn to be surprised. “What do you mean, why? This was always going to be temporary.” Her words are loaded with a meaning I don’t understand.
“It doesn’t have to be,” I whisper.
“Julien—”
“Hear me out,” I cut her off, standing so I can face this conversation head-on. To my surprise, her mouth closes and she waits for me to continue. “There’s something between us. You feel it, right?” I silently plead with her to agree.
After a moment’s hesitation, she nods. Relief washes over me.
“That cold apartment I was living in, it’s nothing like living here with you and Levi. And I want to stay.” There it is. It’s not quite “I love you,” but it’s something solid and concrete.
“You want to stay.” It’s not a question but I nod anyway.
“Do you want me to stay?”
Her face grows guarded. What did I say? We’ve been subconsciously leaning in, and she straightens, realizing it at the same time I do, stepping back to put distance between us.
I hate it.
“Are you staying in Vancouver, or will you be traded at the end of the season?”
Her question hits me like an arrow to my heart. Fuck. Is this why she’s been so distant, so insistent about keeping a barrier between us? I should’ve realised this was a possibility. I’ve been so wrapped up in her and Levi, I didn’t think about the consequences of my job.
There’s nothing I can do about being traded. Leah just got settled here, and she’s in the middle of this huge project with the university. Paige and Adam and Adam’s family are here. I can’t ask her to leave with me. It wouldn’t be fair.
And I’d bet my signing bonus she doesn’t think it would be fair to ask me to stay. Meaning I’d need to retire.
Fuck.
This isn’t a decision I can make lightly, or spur of the moment. Leah’s face is not full of hope, and I think she knows I need to process. It’s why she’s putting space between us, not letting us go further.
She doesn’t want to put me in a position where I have to choose between her and my career. I love her more for it. And I know she’s thinking about Levi—protecting him, and herself, from getting hurt.
Can I blame her?
Absolutely not. Especially not with Levi in the picture. After everything Ian has put her through, it makes sense she’s wary. I can’t hold a permanent spot in their lives if I might leave in three months.
Three months.
The season is coming to a rapid end, and Paige and Adam’s stag and doe weekend is approaching. My mind whirls with so many possibilities and concerns. Is Leah getting ready for the half marathon?
I know a little about her runs with Paige from what she tells me when she comes home. She’s almost at 10k and I’m so proud of her.
I hate that she’s right.
Moving back to my apartment is the right decision.
It’s then I realize her question wasn’t rhetorical and she’s waiting for an answer.
“I don’t know,” I say finally.
She nods, expecting this. The small smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “Bad timing.”
Two words to sum up the tumultuous feelings inside me. I want to shove her down on the couch and kiss her senseless before carrying her to her room and having her in every way she’ll let me. I want to run, to not have to confront the breaking of my heart. I can’t love this woman the way I want to. The way she deserves.
