Page 130 of Get Me to the Starting Line
“Her name is Leah,” I surprise myself by saying.
“Leah,” my dad repeats, weighing the sound of her name. “You love her.” It’s not a question.
“Yes.”
“But?”
I hesitate, and then for the first time in my life, I share my feelings with my dad.
“But her life is in Vancouver. And she has a son. So if I want to be with her, I have to stay here.”
He’s so quiet on the other end I check my phone to make sure he’s still there.
“So you aren’t coming home,” he finally says, and again, it’s a statement, not a question.
“I d-don’t know.”
“You want to be with her. What’s there not to know?” He’s guarded now as the conversation I’ve been dreading unfolds in the way I knew it would.
“I know if I st-stay here, I’m leaving you alone. And I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I’m already alone. Have been since Colleen left,” he says with a sigh. And this response makes my blood boil.
“You weren’t alone. You had me,” I snap.
There’s jostling on the other end, like he’s shaking his head.
“It’s not the same, Julien. I had to provide for you. And I did the best I could.”
There are so many warring feelings inside me. On the one hand, he did provide for me. I understand the sacrifices he made. But would I have given all of this up, all the hockey and all theaccomplishments, to have spent more time with him? It’s an impossible question, one I’ll likely never be able to answer.
“I know you did, Dad.”
“Come home, Julien,” my dad says, hurt clear in his voice. It surprises me. I wasn’t expecting him to be so forthcoming about it.
“And lose them?”
“You might lose them anyway,” he says simply. “People change, they want different things. She might change her mind.”
My breath doesn’t come as easily as before as I picture her leaving me. She could. She could leave me. There could come a time when she gets so fed up with me, she decides it’s not worth it. That I’m not worth it.
And I can’t take her away from her family.
My dad continues like he didn’t just nurture the seed of doubt already planted in my mind.
“Loving your mother the way I did broke me. And taught me the only person you can rely on is yourself.”
This thought changes my trajectory. It reminds me of Leah and her refusal to ask for and accept help.
“Would you understand if I stayed?” I ask tentatively.
“I would.” His tone makes it clear he would not be happy about it. And that makes my decision a little easier.
When we hang up, I feel a little lighter, and a little heavier in some aspects. Because what I want to do and what I should do might be two different things.
I pick up the phone and call Whyatt.
CanadaDayisinfull swing. We’re all decked out in red and white—Paige and I feeling a little like we’re besmirching our Americanness, but our family is Canadian so we accept we’re dual citizens.
