Page 72 of Summer Romance
“One hundred percent guarantee,” I say. “And, Greer, I promise I am here and I’m not going anywhere. Neither ofus is a joke.” She smiles at me, the smallest smile, and I see my mom for a second. I am flooded with the relief that comes from forgiveness, both the giving and the receiving. And I know that if I had to choose between the love of my life or the well-being of my kids, I would always choose this.
When we’re home,we watchAuntie Mameunder the yellow blanket and eat popcorn. I have no idea why that movie is so soothing.
Greer seems to feel better for having unloaded her painful thoughts. Greer feeling better goes a long way toward making me feel better, but I am now the keeper of Greer’s painful thoughts. Phyllis has always told me that Dr. Phil says that I am the primary role model for my same-sex children. So, in addition to staying off crystal meth and not being catfished, I am supposed to be showing my girls how to be strong women. Instead, I have shown them how to let life take you by the tail and swing you around until one day you wake up with four boxes of cornstarch and a husband who belittles you in front of your children. I can’t even think about what Cliffy is learning about being a man.
I get intobed that night and text Ethan: I’m upset because this is going to be over.
I erase it and try again: Why are we doing this if you’re just leaving as soon as you sell the house?
I don’t send that either. I finally text: I’ve seen you naked
Ethan: Wait is this phone sex? Because I don’t really get how that works
I smile the saddest smile. It feels like it’s my very last one. I call him. “You told me you’d never move here. You told me from the very beginning. But I jumped into this anyway, the way you go ahead and get a dog even though you know it’s going to die. You hide from the reality of it, because you really want a dog. I really wanted to believe this was going to last more than another few weeks.”
“I’m not going to argue the dog thing with you. Plus they live like sixteen years. I know you’re scared. I am too, but we can figure this out. I’m a problem solver, remember? Would you ever come live up here?”
“Ethan, I have kids.”
He’s quiet for a second. “I kinda do too.”
“I know,” I say. “And I’ve seen it. You’ve got kids and friends and clients and a dog parade. In Devon you’re the person you’re meant to be. If you walked away from that you’d lose yourself. And you’d resent me.” As soon as I say this, I know it’s true. He’d walk away from his life and resent me the way I resented Pete all those years.
“So that’s just it? We’re giving up? We’re the architects of our own experience, for chrissake.”
I’m quiet on the phone. That stupid speech. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me what you want. Really.”
“I want you,” I say.
“Done.”
“I want two of you. I want you to be a person with no past so that you can be the person you are in Devon inBeechwood. I want you to pick up your entire community and bring them here so that I can go to sleep next to you every single night. I want all of it. That’s the problem.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do,” he says.
“Come on.”
“If you give up, you’re going to break my heart. You promised, Ali.”
“This isn’t going to work.” Quiet tears are running down my face.
“Of course it’s going to work. We’ll figure it out.”
“Tell me you’re willing to leave Devon.”
He’s quiet on the phone.
I can hear him breathing. I picture him standing by the window, looking at the tops of the trees. I imagine Barb downstairs, comforted by the sound of his feet. He’s exactly where he should be.
“I drove six hours today. This is actually impossible. We need to stop.” My heart is racing like I lit a match under my curtains and I am waiting for my whole house to go up in flames.
“No. Absolutely not. Is this about dogs dying?”
Yes. It’s exactly that. “This was great. You’re great. Let’s just cut our losses.” This is too flippant, and I know I’m hurting him. There’s no way out of this without a world of hurt.
“Who are you? You don’t even sound like you right now.”
