Page 46 of New Year
“What made you finally see him?”
Zack blinked away the memory of Riley, gagged and bound in a swing, drugged and terrified out of his mind. “He lied to me about something dangerous. Something that, had it continued, would have been a crime. I did my best to make amends to the injured party, and I stopped hosting. Left the lifestyle. Did some serious reflection on who I’d become, and I didn’t like that man. I realized that while I did enjoy certain aspects of kink and domination during sex, the lifestyle itself was toxic to me as a man. So, I left it all behind.”
Nat was staring at his fingers, which were twisting together in his lap, his shoulders hunched. Zack studied him for signs of serious distress, but he wasn’t shaking or making any sort of noise. Nat was just…thinking? Absorbing everything Zack had revealed. It was a lot to process. Not everyone understood what drew others to the BDSM lifestyle, even though a lot of those same people did enjoy some small aspect of kink.
When Nat looked up, his eyes were wet but held no censure. “What specifically did Brett do that could have been a crime?”
Positive he’d completely blown their date, even though Nat had been the one to bring up the subject, Zack admitted to his greatest shame. “During my parties, I allowed guests to participate in consensual scenes in my playroom. In the beginning, I always spoke with both participants to make sure all acts were consensual, especially when bondage was part of the scene. During the final few months, as my depression deepened and I drank more, I grew lax in my precautions.”
Zack allowed old shame to wash over him, because the shame had been earned. “It was Brett’s birthday, and he told me his current boyfriend had agreed to a scene as his gift. It was a non-consensual scene, and Brett reassured me that even if it appeared Riley was unwilling or confused, it was part of the script they’d written together.”
Nat’s face had gone ashen, his eyes widening. He didn’t say anything but the hurt radiated on his face like a neon sign.
“Brett escorted Riley to my party, and I could tell Riley was uncomfortable with so much public sexual activity. There was entertainment in the living room, and some guests wore very little. But Brett was excited, and I loved seeing him happy, because we had history. When Brett asked me to be part of the scene, I hesitated. He insisted Riley was okay with the change to the script.”
“But you didn’t ask Riley.” Nat’s broken voice jabbed tiny slivers of glass beneath Zack’s skin.
“No, I didn’t. We took Riley into the playroom and undressed him. He was inebriated, but I didn’t realize how badly, because I’d been drinking, as well. Which I should not have been doing. I let all my guests down by drinking, but I let Brett and Riley down the most. Riley protested after we had him strapped up in the swing. I felt wrong about Brett putting a ball gag in Riley’s mouth, but I didn’t say anything, because I still trusted Brett about the scene being a birthday gift. It was the first time Brett had lied directly to my face, and I couldn’t see it.”
Zack rubbed both hands over his face, unable to look Nat in the eyes. “Another guest, someone I’d known for about a year and who was lightly into the scene, he came into the playroom and challenged us. Me and Brett. Boxer said he knew Riley, and he insisted we take the gag out so Riley could tell Boxer he was into the scene.”
“But Riley wasn’t,” Nat said when Zack couldn’t find his voice, too wrecked by his own shame over the years-old memory. Over what Zack had almost allowed to happen.
“No, Riley wasn’t. Brett admitted he’d given Riley GHB. I helped Boxer get Riley out of the swing, get him dressed, and then Boxer took him home.” Zack rubbed his eyes against grateful tears. “Riley and Boxer are still together today, as far as I know.”
Nat’s entire body jerked. “Really?”
“Yes. For all the horrendous mistakes I made that night, it brought two lonely souls together, and I’m happy for them both. I apologized to them, as well. After that, Brett spiraled, and he was eventually arrested for stalking, assault and animal abuse. After everything that happened in those few months, I realized I had to stop. To start over. To become a better man.”
Zack stood and stalked to the living room window. The shade was down, so he didn’t have anything to stare at, but he needed the distance. Distance from Nat’s disappointed frown and Zack’s own overwhelming disgrace. Even years past the events, he couldn’t leave it completely behind. The “scene” that night could have been so much worse, but it had still been traumatizing for Riley. The look in Riley’s eyes the night Zack had personally apologized had told him that.
He was thankful every single day that Riley and Boxer had found each other, even if the method had been messy and traumatic.
Fabric shuffled. The floor creaked. A hand rested on his hip. Zack closed his eyes and concentrated on that single, grounding touch. “I wish.” Nat’s voice cracked. “I wish someone had been there, just once, to get me out of my own swing.”
“Fuck, Nat.” Zack turned and swept Nat into his arms, practically hauling Nat off his feet. Nat clung to him, face pressing hard into Zack’s neck. Zack didn’t want to imagine all the metaphorical swings Nat had been trapped in over the years. Trapped by Austin, someone who should have loved and protected Nat. No Boxer to stand up for him and to say stop. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Nat spoke the words against his skin, breath hot and damp. “Not your fault, but you’re here now. We’re both here now.”
“I hate what he did to you, and I don’t even know the details.”
“I hate what Brett did to you, too. He betrayed your trust, too, Zack.” Nat pulled back, both eyes red and damp, but also blazing with an emotion Zack couldn’t identify. “We both spiraled, and now we’re here. We found each other.”
Zack inhaled a sharp breath, not trusting his own instincts or what he hoped Nat meant. “Do you still trust me?”
“With my whole body and mind. You could have lied about everything, made yourself out to be a hero in the Riley story, but you owned your mistakes. You showed me what kind of man you are.”
“Which is?”
“Honest. You have integrity, but you’re also just as fucking flawed as the rest of us. You could have spun me so many stories, nudged me in any direction you wanted, taken advantage of my situation. But you didn’t. You never have. I really…like you for that.”
Zack quirked an eyebrow, charmed by Nat’s hesitation. “Like me?”
“Yes. It’s way too soon to think about the other l-word, but I really like you, Zack. As a friend. As a man I admire and want…to be with.”
Heat and arousal pooled in Zack’s belly and tickled toward his groin. But he had to be sure. This couldn’t be a mistake. Never a mistake, not with Nathaniel Hawking. He cupped Nat’s cheeks in his palms and held him steady, gazes locked. He studied Nat’s eyes, seeking any hesitation. Any hint this wasn’t what Nat wanted.
“Tell me what you want, Nat,” Zack whispered.
