Page 32 of Double Shot
“It wouldn’t happen to be my favorite pieces would it?” I asked, lifting the white and black horse’s heads from the felt, one in each hand.
“The knights?” he asked me, casually, setting up a row of white pawns in front of himself.
I dropped my eyes to the white and dark knight pieces in my hands, the dappled sunlight coming through the trees shifting over the pieces and frowned.
It was as if the dream slowed here, my waking mind nudging my sleeping one as if to note this moment right here was a significant one, and I should pay attention.
“I could see why you would think that,” he said, leaning his arms against the edge of the stone chess table and looking up at me plaintively. “But no, it ain’t them either.”
“So, it has to be the king then, am I right?” I asked, setting the two knight pieces on the table and reaching for the black king piece.
“No, it ain’t him… you see the king is weak and vulnerable. No, when the shit gets real and starts to hit the fan,” he picked up the white queen, “it’s all on his lady to save her man.” He held it up into the light and ran his thumb over a smudge – real or imagined there was no telling with Hal. He was a paranoid schizophrenic and today happened to be a good day for him. Or it seemed so. Even in the throes of his paranoia, when the voices were their worst and he kept rocking, people lined up to try and beat him.
He was the Indigo City Chess King.
I picked up the black queen and he handed me the white one.
I shifted along the high thread count sheets and moaned, Hal’s voice echoing in my mind from that long-ago summer day.
“No, if I had to pick the most powerful piece on the board, I’d have to say it’s the queen. All women are powerful, the Red Queen in my head proves that… if women ever realized just how powerful they are and really got together, I’d say they’d be running the world in no time…”
I winced and moaned, sliding my arm out in front of me, reaching for Kyle, except he wasn’t there. That more than anything tore me from the dream. I twisted and put an arm back for Conan, except he wasn’t there either.
I moaned, more of a groan, and let my head fall back to the pillows.
I wondered if that was why I had really woken. I feared I wouldn’t be able to sleep without them, that any time one or the both of them got out of bed without me, I would wake. In fact, with how the fission of anxiety coursed through me, with how afraid I was, I was sure that it was true.
This had been an ongoing theme with Kyle over the last six months. It was like my body knew my lover had gone and my poor brain just couldn’t handle even the subconscious thoughts of his absence. Invariably, these thoughts and worries built and built and built until I was so very afraid, I justcould notgo back to sleep. Not without knowing where he was. The anxiety building and building, my panicked mind thrusting me from the warm nest of blankets to seek Kyle and now Conan –praise everything –out.To make certain they were okay.We only just got him back, and already it’s starting,I thought.
I didn’t know how long this symptom of my poor mental state would last. I worried it would annoy one or the both of them beyond measure quickly, but I needed to tell them about it. I feared they would discount me. That I would be told I was being too clingy… except, didn’t I have a right to be?
I was the girl who consistently losteverythingwith great regularity, and I was so fuckingtiredof it. A soul-deep wearied worry that just kept abiding no matter what.
We’d only just gotten Conan back. That third of my soul I’d thought I’d lost forever, and I was utterly desperate not to lose him again, just as I was absolutely desperate not to lose Kyle.
I loved them both so much it hurt. I knew what that phrase meant now. I literally loved them so much that when I thought of them, my heart swelled so big in my chest the constriction of the cage of my ribs around it was a physically painful thing. My heart was so full when I was with them, it barely left me room to breathe and likewise the thought of losing either of them without fighting my hardest not to? Well, it stole my breath for a very different reason.
I threw back the blankets and slipped from the bed, the marble floors that were supposed to be heated chilly under my bare feet.
The light silk of my nightgown slipped off the bed as I took a step away from it and whispered against my legs. I hugged myself and gritted my teeth in slight frustration, tired beyond measure. I went on a miniature scouting mission to find my errant men who should have been in bed with me but weren’t.
I heard them before I saw them; they were having a deep conversation from the direction of the living area which was open on one side leading to an outdoor living space on a sweeping and magnificent veranda. I padded up the hallway and Kyle looked up from where he stood in front of the kitchenette, hugging Conan. He fixed his attention on me in the shadows of the hall, the ice clinking in his glass as it settled on the stone countertop nearby them.
“What are you doing up?” Kyle asked me and Conan startled, perking up. I came around the hallway and went to them, their arms opening to pull me into their embrace. I noticed a second glass of amber liquid and ice sitting beside the open laptop, but the screen wasn’t one I recognized. He hadn’t read the emails. Not yet. I shuddered in their embrace and sighed out. I wasn’t ready…
“Come, let’s sit.” Roan gestured to the living area and took up his glass. I laced my fingers in his and Kyle went around to refresh his drink as Roan led me to an armchair in front of the glass wall that took in the night-darkened view of the harbor in Monaco.
He sat with a grunt and some difficulty and I didn’t hesitate; I simply crawled into his lap and settled myself, resting my head on his shoulder, pressing my lips to the crook of his neck, his arms sliding around me as a contented hum escaped his not quite as broad chest.
He’d lost some of his size while in captivity. Had traded some of his bulk for being shredded. Had toned down but was no less strong. I could feel that strength in his arms as he held me.
“You alright, Poppet?” he asked.
“I don’t think I can sleep without you both,” I murmured and sighed out. “Go ahead and keep talking about whatever you were talking about.” I felt them trade a look, the silence heavy with all the things they didn’t want to say in front of me. Kyle came around and stood at the windows in front of us, sipping from his glass. I sighed and cuddled closer to Conan and he smoothed a hand over the outside of my thigh, lingering over the curve of my hip.
“You can’t keep hiding the rough stuff from me,” I murmured. “Not anymore. I won’t have it.”
“Poppet…” Conan’s voice was reluctant, worried, and dare I say, resigned.
