Hope nodded and asked, “You staying tonight?”
“She want me to?”
“She hasn’t said either way.”
“I need to go for a ride, clear my head. She got an appointment tomorrow?”
“No, day after tomorrow.”
“What time?”
“Same time.”
“I’ll be here to take her.”
“Okay.”
I got on my bike and turned the waiting key, firing her up. It tore me to pieces leaving that driveway but I needed to think. Clear my head and blow this fucking town for a minute. I hoped Bobby had a cold fuckin’ beer in his fridge, because I wanted some distance while at the same time, I didn’t want to be alone. All that was going to do was let me replay the haunting image of those shattered aquamarine eyes as she turned away from me and that fuckin’ window.
16
Faith…
Days. It’d been days since I’d tried to kiss Marlin like the idiot I am and he’d been keeping a careful distance ever since. I let the warm coastal waters wash in over my feet and watched it and the sand wash back out to sea. If I stood just right, and closed my eyes, I had the sensation that I was washing out with it. That even though I knew I stood perfectly still, I moved. A sense of motion without actually moving. I could dream, though. I could dream and wish that I were swept away, out to sea, away from all of these jacked up feelings that I was terrified to confront.
I sighed deeply and hugged my beach wrap tighter around my shoulders with one hand; even though I wasn’t cold. It was hard to be cold in ninety degree heat. My other hand held the long skirt of the maxi dress I wore out of the water.
“Faith?” I opened my eyes and looked back over my shoulder at Hope who was coming up the beach, my mind drifting back to the day before yesterday when it’d been Marlin coming my way...
“What’cha thinkin’ about so hard, Baby Girl?” He’d drawn himself up short, a few arm lengths away and the distance might as well have been an entire gulf between us. I’d swallowed hard, mouth suddenly dry and had tried to tighten up my resolve.
“Listen, Marlin…”
He smiled, “Uh oh, sounds serious.”
I’d looked down at the water rushing away from my feet and closed my eyes, breathing slowly, heart pounding.
“It is, I mean, I am.” I’d looked up and pinned him with my gaze, his smile sliding off his face, he’d reached out, but let his hand drop.
“What’s on your mind, Baby Girl?” he’d said gently and I almost had hated that he still called me that, knowing that it didn’t hold anything but superficial meaning.
“I don’t think we should see as much of each other anymore. My doctor says I may be using you, the people around me, as a crutch. I need to not do that…”Liar. Lie, lie, lie, lie; lies!My brain had screamed at me, was still screaming at me, but I’d pressed my lips together and tried not to look as miserable as I’d felt. I still hadn’t even told Dr. Shiendland about Marlin. She didn’t even know he existed and had actually said the opposite, of what I was suggesting. She’d told me I should try and spend a little more time around some of my sister’s friends. To remind myself there were good people in the world too.
“That so?” he asked and his expression had gone glacial.
I nodded, not trusting my voice. The truth was, I missed him. His closeness, the comfort he provided, but the new distance; him being there without actually being there… it was too much. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. The deep sense of shame and self-loathing had been and still was taking over everything, and this was the only solution I could come up with.Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Marlin had nodded carefully, his lips twisting as if he were tasting something foul. He scraped his bottom lip between his teeth a couple of times and had pinned me with a look.
“It’s okay, Baby Girl, I get it. You change your mind, I’m never far away.”
I felt myself blanche, “I..”
“I’m not far, you hear me?” and he wasn’t. I could see him back at the house, perched on the small retaining wall ringing the grand house’s back patio. He was looking mine and my sister’s direction and I quickly dropped my eyes from his distant form to Hope’s anxiety ridden face.
“You okay?”
I nodded mutely, too exhausted, too worn to speak the truth, no matter how ugly it was.
