Page 12 of Marlin's Faith
Decision made I dropped off into a light sleep myself, but it wasn’t particularly restful. I didn’t get restful sleep anymore. Jerking awake at any movement or sound Faith made. From the moment I’d laid eyes on her, I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t let her go down the way Danny had. Faith was my atonement for how I’d treated my brother and so far she’d soothed the fiery torment of my guilt.
I couldn’t bring my brother back. I couldn’t save him from the grave. But I could saveher.It wasn’t perfect. Hell, maybe it wasn’t even right… but it mattered and I needed to do something that really mattered at least once in my damned life because at the end of the day, successful business, pride of the family, none of it meant shit fuck all in the grand scheme of things. Not when you were willing to let a family member go. Willing to let them die, just because they pissed you off or disappointed you.
Hope belonged to the Captain, and my club was my second family. By extension, Faith was family too. Cutter’d put me in charge when it came to her care, I wasn’t about to let my Captain, my brothers, Hope or Faith down. It was just what it had to be. I was okay with that. My life needed a change up from the same old routine anyhow.
8
Faith…
“Faith?” I jumped and turned mutely back to my sister. I swallowed hard and she frowned. “You okay?”
I pressed my lips together and nodded rapidly. I wasn’t. I felt like they were all staring at me. Like everyone in the storeknew. I felt dirty, ashamed and like the weight of the universe was pressing me inexorably into the floor.
“No, you’re not.” Hope said judiciously and hung the dress she’d pulled off the rack back up.
“I… I think it’s just a little bit much for my first time out.” I murmured and she nodded.
“There was this famous general back in the day, like world war one and two, right? He used to say that he didn’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbed or how good he was at anything. He used to say ‘The measure of a man’s success should be taken by how high he bounces when he hits bottom.’ You always did bounce the best out of the three of us. This is no exception.”
I rolled my lips together and thought about what my sister was saying, finally nodding. A measure calmer than I had been before, even though my heart still raced in my chest and every breath I took made me feel like I was going to explode.
“Concentrate on the clothes, Bubbles. Let’s find you some stuff to wear that you’ll be comfortable in. It’s hot around here, some shorts? A couple of swimsuits maybe?” Hope kept talking and I followed her dutifully around the little clothing boutique, looking at clothes without really seeing them.
My blood rushed in my ears, my heart thundered in my chest and it felt like the world was losing focus. I was falling but I was standing still. I felt crazed and like a total lunatic and when gentle hands fell on my shoulders I jumped clean out of my skin, shrieking, clapping my hands over my mouth to stifle the terrified sound. I quickly glanced around the shop and with a sinking feeling realized that if they hadn’t really been staring before, I was definitely the center of attention now.
All conversation had ceased and every single set of eyes in the shop was turned on me. Pinning me in place. My eyes grew hot and wet and Hope’s boyfriend’s voice wrapped around me from behind.
“Aw shit; sorry, Firefly. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Thought you knew I was here.” I shook my head back and forth and he gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze, thumbs digging just a bit to ease the tension between them.
“Sorry, I was…” I sniffed, “I guess I got lost in thought a little. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“It’s okay, Bubbles. You’re good, but maybe we should stop for now.” Hope lowered the clothing items she’d been prattling about and I shook my head furiously, tense beneath her boyfriend’s hands. I knew he meant well, but honestly, the casual touch was a bit much for me, or maybe it was the hulking male presence behind me or…
“Hey, Cap. I know you mean well, Man, and I’m sure she does, too, but let her go, Man. She’s not digging it.”
Relief flooded out from the center of my being at Marlin’s low and controlled voice. The Captain’s hands left my shoulders and Hope sighed. I blinked my eyes open, having not realized I’d squeezed them shut and looked at my sister. She looked equal parts aggravated and heartbroken and I felt my stomach drop into my toes.
“Not your fault, Darlin’. Don’t none of us think it is.” Cutter, said to me. I nodded, throat tight and we all stood in awkward silence for several moments.
“I, I like this.” I slid a dress off the rack, a maxi dress that was strapless but fell to the floor. It would cover more of me and with a light cardigan it would work well. My sister smiled and as if she’d read my mind held up a three quarter sleeve loose and flowy white cover-up that would go well with the aqua and white chevron printed dress.
“That’s nice,” Cutter commented nodding and I raised my eyes to Marlin’s. He gave me a slightly off kilter smile that both warmed me and encouraged me. Still, his eyes spoke volumes. They whispered to me that he knew that I was being brave and that he believed in me. I took the strength he offered and stood a little straighter.
“Um, a swimsuit. That would be good. I think I’d like to go swimming if that’s okay.” I looked from one to the next, and Marlin and Cutter both smiled.
“You can do whatever you want, Sweetheart. You don’t need our permission for anything.” I swallowed hard and tears sprang to my eyes and Hope was suddenly there. She hugged me tight and I crumbled a bit and cried, clinging to my sister as the enormity of what transpired caught me off guard.
While I knew I was free, that my sister had saved me, I still didn’t feel it yet. Marlin and I had spoken on it just this morning actually, before we’d left the house that had quickly become the center of my world and my sanctuary.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I cried into Hope’s shoulder as we stood in the middle of the sea side clothing shop, in the middle of the little town’s bustling boulevard.
Warmth and what had become the familiar smell of Marlin enveloped my back as he stepped near. I closed my eyes and breathed deep the combination of leather, cigarettes, and whatever he used for his shampoo, the faint smell of peaches and alcohol rounding things out. I thought it strange. The combination of cigarettes and alcohol should leave me feeling ill after so many had come to me reeking of it, but the alcohol smell on Marlin, I don’t know. It was so faint and under everything else it was mellow. Bespeaking of time spent around bonfires or sipping cold beer while working in the sun.
Marlin’s smell was what I imagined hard work, patience and decency to be like and his words, when murmured, did nothing to dispel that notion, but rather reinforced it tenfold.
“Baby Girl, don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and get refocused on where you’re headed. You can do that for me right?”
I nodded against my sister and sniffed, words weren’t something I was ready to voice, my mind scrambling around in circles, caught in a never ending loop of panic and fear.
