Page 12 of Apex of the Curve
Chapter Three
Aspen…
I kept thinking about him – Fenris – long after he’d left and Lindsay had arrived. She was wholly unrepentant about things and genuinely didn’t understand what the big deal was. She seriously thought it was just another rowdy night out with the girls. Like, I was fine and overreacting. I didn’t think I was angry enough, but to be honest? I just couldn’t muster up the energy for it.
Instead, I’d taken my things, had checked to make sure everything was there, and I’d ended the friendship. Done. Right then and there. No going back.
I was tired of being mistreated. Only thing I was more tired of was the fact that I’d been allowing it for so long.
I took a hot shower, a proper one with shampoo and conditioner this time. I hadn’t used any of the stuff at the goat farm. I didn’t want to dry out my hair and let it turn into a frizzy mess on me – so I’d just watered it down really, really, good until I got home. Now, I felt truly clean and that was saying something.
I’d washed a lot more down my shower drain than just dirt and used soap.
I made myself some hot tea in my favorite hand-thrown mug and settled into my favorite old chair of my mom’s in the living room.
So much was up in the air, it wasn’t even funny. I didn’t know how long I had to live here with Mom still owing on the house and everything still caught up – even more tangled now that my brother had died.
I supposed I would have to sell it, which I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t see any other option. After paying the rest owed, I might get out with at least a decent down payment for a place of my own. I just didn’t want to think about any of it right now.
I unlocked my mostly recharged phone and picked up my address book from the side table where I’d relocated it.
I couldn’t imagine calling Fenris for anything else, but I couldn’t deny I wanted to. Just… Jesus! How soon was too soon? My divorce wasn’t even final. I’d only left Charles four months ago.
He was being an ass over the division of assets, trying to get me to talk to him, but I didn’t want to.
I heaved a big sigh at the big fat mess in front of me and let my gaze un-focus, drawing up the image in my mind’s eye of my unlikely savior.
He was unconventionally handsome – rugged, and those blue eyes of his… I shuddered to think of how they seemed to see through right down into my soul. He was massive, imposing, and downright scary but I couldn’t help but realize how kind, gentle and how sweet everything he had done for me had been. He’d been a perfect gentleman, and it just didn’t make sense to me, what with his rough exterior.
I plucked the business card out of my book and read it over again.
Fjordson’s Family Farm
Fenris Fjordson, his address, and an office number. I wondered if Fjordson was his actual last name or if it was made up too. I mean, he’d already said that he went by Fenris, so that couldn’t really be his first name.
I sighed and entered him in as a new contact, adding his mobile number that he’d written in my book and the business line under ‘work’ for good measure.
It was raining heavily outside the front window and I sat in the little golden pool of lamplight, cozy in my pajamas and robe, hands wrapped around the steaming mug in my hands and just let the sky cry for me, too spent to shed any more tears right this moment.
I wanted to, though. Just how many losses am I supposed to take this year? I wondered. First Mom, then Copper, then Charles, and now Lindsay – I didn’t have many friends and so I was feeling the loss keenly.
I sniffed, sipped some tea, and closed my eyes, letting my tears match the rainfall outside my mom’s window.
I missed them. I missed them all terribly.
God, I felt too old at thirty-eight to be starting all over again… but here I was, and that was just what I was going to do.
I sighed and tried not to let my misery swamp me which was a lot easier said than done. It felt like my mind was literally on fire. I had this funny feeling in my chest, and every time I looked around at the mountain of boxes around me, I felt overwhelmed.
“Get it together, Aspen,” I murmured, staring out the front window and sniffing back more tears. This feeling… this loneliness had been around for a while, except now? Now it was raw and aching. The chasm left behind in the center of my chest at the loss of literally everyone I held dear was killing me slowly.
“One day at a time,” I whispered. “You’re doing the best that you can with the hand you’ve been dealt.”
I repeated the positive affirmations the social worker had given me and they just didn’t work anymore. I felt like I was drowning, like there was no more coming up for air and I didn’t know what scared me more – the prospect that I had literally lost everything inside of a month’s span, or the deep-seated feeling of apathy that was creeping from the darkest parts of me and had me so thoroughly bound up.
I sighed, struggling within myself and finally gave up.
Enough of this. I was tired, so damn tired. I set my tea aside, switched out the lamp and went to bed.
