Page 51 of Empowered
My knees were ready to give out under me. I placed a hand on his desk to support myself. “I don’t understand,” I whispered. “Everything was fine yesterday and last night was amazing. Did I do something wrong?”
He exhaled a deep breath before meeting my eyes again. Regret washed over his face. “No,jaan. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why are you pushing me away like a coward?” My voice grew loud with frustration. “Was everything you promised me last night just pillow talk?”
“God, no. I meant those things.” He stared at me dead in my eyes to prove to me that his words were true.
“Then what is it?” I shouted. “Because I’m not getting it.”
He clenched his eyes tightly before answering. “You’re not safe with me.”
Of course, I was. We were safest together. “Why not?”
He shook his head. “I can’t say. You just need to go.”
I was infuriated. Rage took over my tongue. “After all I’ve been through for you and your business, and you can’t give me an explanation as to why I need to leave? This is bullshit!” I threw my hands in the air, because I was fucking fed up with this merry-go-round of a conversation.
He stood up and moved to put his hand on my arm to comfort me. I pulled away in disgust. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
“Please,jaan,” he begged. “This is for your own good.”
“Stop making decisions for me. I thought we had moved on from you bossing me around and deciding my future. I can make my own decisions. In case you didn’t realize it, I’m a big girl who killedyourfucking enemy.” I was screaming so loud that my throat hurt, but I didn’t care about the pain.
“This isn’t the same thing, I—”
I interrupted him, “Then explain it to me. Oh wait—you can’t,”I shouted, mocking his voice.
“My hands are tied.” His voice was quiet. Too quiet. I wanted him to yell or cry or curse at me just to know that he was feeling just as frustrated as me.
“You’re a pussy. I fucking hate you.” My hands started flailing, hitting his chest relentlessly. He grabbed my hands to stop me, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. They came pouring out as I sobbed.
He held me as I mourned the loss of him. I felt like I was at his funeral even though I was still wrapped in his arms. “Why won’t you trust me?” I whispered through my tears.
His chin rested on the top of my head. “I do trust you. I just don’t trust anyone else when it comes to you.”
•••
I didn’t remember how I had gotten here, but I was curled up in the fetal position in bed—his bed. I felt like crying some more, but the tears wouldn’t come. I was numb. It felt like when he first told me he didn’t believe in settling down but so much worse. This time, I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut and left to bleed out.
I didn’t even know what time it was. I could have been lying here for minutes or even hours for all I knew. My flight was in the afternoon, but I didn’t care at all about packing. I didn’t have anything here anyway. Not anymore.
I felt the bed dip next to me. The body that had once brought me security was no longer enough to warm me. The strong arm that had once grounded me no longer kept my thoughts from spiraling dizzily in my head. The steady breath on the back of my neck that had once soothed me to sleep no longer calmed me. I wanted to get up and run away from all of it, but my body wouldn’t move.
His lips pressed to the back of my head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into my hair. My tears fell again on cue and my body shuddered with my sobs.
He rolled me over, so my back was flat on the bed, and he propped his body up on his arm to look down into my eyes. “Jaan. I love you.” He tried to dry my tears with his fingers, but it was useless because they wouldn’t stop streaming down my face.
I was done screaming and yelling to try to reason with him. There was nothing he could say to make this right. If he didn’t trust me enough to give me an explanation, then I had to leave. But it didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye.
His lips met mine and I could finally exhale fully. My brain told me to resist, but my heart wouldn’t listen. My lips parted, giving him permission to take more of my soul than I should logically give. Maybe it was because I wanted a bit more of his in return, to keep with me when I left.
Our kisses were numbered, and we treated this one like it was our last, pouring everything we had left to give into our lips. Our tongues explored each other’s mouths for the last time, bidding each other farewell through their embrace.
He moved down to my neck, tasting my fallen tears on the way. Each press of his lips against my skin held contact longer than the last, as if he were memorizing the feel of my skin beneath him. Breathy moans escaped my mouth as he moved lower, between my breasts. His once steady fingers were now shaky and uncertain when they unbuttoned my sleep shirt. My fingers grasped the sides of his face as he explored the skin he had just revealed with his mouth, begging him to never give up on me. His mouth found my nipple and sucked gently, making my body writhe under his hold. His tongue traveled down the length of my breast to my rib. I couldn’t help the moans that left me of their own volition. My head might have hated him, but my body would never stop loving him.
He lifted off me, pulling the hem of his shirt over his head and tossing it aside. My gaze settled on his chest. The chiseled pecs that were hard enough to force the most sinister of enemies to the ground when displaying the true force of his strength. Yet, they weren’t strong enough to protect me from whatever evil he feared on my behalf.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I tugged him closer to me so my lips could lace kisses on his skin. My mouth moved over to his nipple. I bit down hard, causing him to groan from pain. I wanted him to feel agony, just like the agony he was putting me through. I slid lower down to his abs, making a path with my bites, each one harder than the last. He flinched from the pain, but it didn’t bring me any satisfaction. Nothing would ease my heavy heart, not even revenge.
